Depression
Hi to those who are reading my blog. I feel like I have to vent out. After all which has happened, I'm not sure who I wanna go and talk to or disturb. If I choose anyone to talk to, I feel like I'm a burden.
I know many ppl who've read this would either agree with me or think I'm Satan. I think christians are fake people. Human in general are sadist people but christians in particular are the biggest liars. I've been used by so many people, cheated, hurt by all these people and left to suffer the pain.
There are many things I don't wanna tell the world and there are many secrets I don't wanna share. All I can say here is that I wish you people would stop with the fake compliments and practice what you preach physically and mentally.
I use to be able to defend myself and fight my own battles. But now I don't have the strength to carry on. I cry so often. I don't play music from my heart and soul anymore since Nov 2010. I don't listen to my ipod anymore. And most of all I constantly pray that I'd stop breathing.
I have been finding it hard to breathe these days. And I know it's from stress. My mind and my heart constantly argue with each other and I can see myself falling apart when I am alone for long. I know I should pick myself up, think positively and keep moving on but I can't seem to pull myself back together like I use to. I see 1 Lorraine screaming at another Lorraine to get up from all the falls she's had but I just can't move. As I have said many times, my heart is constantly having battle with my mind(logic).
When I'm free and at home, I hardly leave my room. It feels like the safest place besides being with someone I trust. I haven't gone out shopping or gone out to watch a movie. I haven't gone venturing out to some new place or met new people as I've always enjoyed doing. I haven't taken a random trip out of NSW which I love doing. And this is all since Nov 2010. Everything changed and my perspective of myself has to.
I feel like I'm making things up even though I'm not. I feel like everything's a lie and that I'm going crazy. I feel like wanting to end it all.......
If only it were that simple......
My heart can't take it any longer.....
posted by mya @ 8:34 pm
2 comments
2 Comments:
hi lorr...mebe u need a vacation..or mebe try to see things in a positive way. if friends are backstabbing, then it means that you shud stay away from those ppl and communicate less wif them. never give up lorr in what u have archived.. well i think thats all i can say.. hehe anywhere do take care and dont go near to beaches.
hugs, Michelle
Midlife crisis comes earlier. Perhaps your life revolves too much around Christians, time to join some group from other religion. Buddhist is a good one, they're pretty much neutral with tons of taboos. Im lucky that I'm working with some people, whom in the eyes of Christian are pretty much screwed up, but they are proffesional in their line of duty. A bit from both side of the world makes my life balance.
I'm not in anyway suggesting you should try something that will endanger your life, or will regret for rest of your life. Be wise.
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