*sigh*

Trying to be positive is hard. Trying to think positive is even harder.
Depression, pressure, frustration, sadness, anger... it all comes in a package.
So does joy, happiness, greatfulness, love and enthusiasm.

Today is my 6th baptism birthday and only one little birdy remembered-->> Chai Har. Out of all the ppl in the world (= (i'm saying it in the good kinda way). Which made me realize who my true friends are. No matter how hard I try to keep the friendship or relationship, it just doesn't work out if the other party doesn't bother putting in the effort. I've given up trying to maintain the close possible friendship. Friends, brothers and sisters don't bother contact me which is sad. I hate being the one going after a person. You say you miss someone yet you don't bother keeping in touch. Whatever reasons you may have I don't really wanna hear it. Or do i?

I get all sad again after talking to my family. End up crying most the time. Feeling useless and uncapable of taking care of myself. Feeling like I can't do things myself and am just some retarded child outside the world. I've tried all my life to be a good daughter which doesn't seem to be enough. I've given up trying. I really have. Everything is my fault. It is never the world's fault.
I've always dreamt of another family. A perfect yet not so perfect family. A happy family. I wouldn't care if money was short or there were no luxary. Happiness and love is all i've always wanted but I suppose that'll never happen for me.
But then again i think to myself, "I gotta be positive again. I gotta be strong for my friends sake, for my po-po(grandma)'s sake, for my sake." So I look up in the sky and *sigh* looking forward to the future and taking life as it is. I may not be perfect but I know I do make a difference in the world with all the suffering, pain and hurt I've gone through my entire life. I share my understanding and experiences with ppl and hold my chin up high with confidence.........