i totally understand how it feels

After breaking more then a dozen hearts now i totally understand how it really feels. Sure, i sense the pain they are facing but it's not as painful as it really is.
yup... I'm laughing at myself right now just thinking about it. How could I be so stupid but to even have feelings? How could I let my heart lead myself into this ridiculous situation?
Suppose to be doing some listening exercise but waiting for the online web-page to upload.
Trying to be strong,not to cry but it's hard.
Feeling jealous and ridiculously stupid.
What is real? I haven't any idea. All i know is that words can't be trusted AT ALL!!! All I ask for is a little effort and a little 'sign'.
This is stupid i know but i wish i had alcohol drowning my thoughts. hmmm.... Wish i could play the piano the whole night drowning music through my mind. Wish I had a furry animal with me. Wish I knew the truth. Wish I knew what is real and what's not. Wish I could be somebody else. I've no money in the atm so i can't possibly feel any better considering I can't go out shopping or watch a movie or rock climbing. And to make it worse, the air at home sucks - no fresh air.
What else could be any better having a bad singing lesson although Mr M was really nice to me.
Time for work now...
Duty calls...