dunno
THanks D and JET for your concern. Makes me feel better already just to hear from you guys. I dunno if I should be sharing. At times I do wanna share but other times I think that's the only I can do; complain. If you ask me to talk about anything else it isn't as easy as complaining about my life. Many ppl say I should think and act positive and pray. I know I should but feeling crappy all the time especially during this month isn't helping. ANd I'm not interested in religion or God anymore. Maybe sharing is a good thing but I suppose company from friends is much better. Hearing from ppl cheers me up too :) Music brings my soul to another dimension. Animals brings me bck to my childhood days.
Been pretty moody. I can't control my temper. My imagination has been going pretty violent. And I'm a prisoner in my own house.
3 alternative wishes....
1) wish I was a little girl again bck to before I was 10 years old before my siblings when to school, before grandma died, before things got more complicated.
2) wish I was in the further future where my life is stable, financially strong, job great, lovely children with me full control of my life and being everything I've always dreamt.
3) wish I was dead. No suffering. I wouldn't feel so confused and painful. After all, life isn't worth living.
I seriously dunno. Is there another way out of this dreadful life? I've been trying to find a way and fighting my battles far too long. There's just too many lost battles. Too many injuries. Too many false information....
posted by mya @ 12:46 am
10 comments
10 Comments:
hi musicalpup,
You look very pretty you know=o)What inside you, as you manifest in bitter complain, scary huh.
I heard of a concept of what a person is composed of: mental, physical, spiritual, social; and a person must have these dimensions intercorrelated to be well-rounded. I don't know whether this is true, perhaps i should leave it to those understand religion.
And also i heard about sigmond freud, who came out with psychoanalytical theory. He proposed there are ego, id, and superego in us. The id is a little child, and she or he wants what pleases her or him, never grows up. Superego takes over id when she or he has gone beyond the right track.
Musicalpup, if many have talked to you, known you, and read your posts online, and they say you complain too much, too negative, and as with you, confused, hurt, you really need to rest, inside.
Sometime when we are hurt is due to others, but also many times, due to ourselves. Which ever may be wrong, we may want to escape by going back to the past, the pleasant memory and once we wake up from the dream, we want to blame the cruelty of the present reality. On top of that, we want to see the future that we insist, a bed of roses. No suffering, pain, death.
You are a brilliant lady i believe. And you should not be confused this soon. What are those false informations? can you find the answers? what is that battle all about? Are you required to be the soldier in this battle or simply you want to struggle? Remember you are one of those few lucky girls, young, pretty and talented. Spend time to think for the family with yourself in the picture, others, the dogs and the childhood =0)
I believe you have everything. And whatever you want in the future will come, just make sure you consider others very carefully. Don't hurt parents and others undesirably. And be thankful for the voice =o) some have lost the voice to complain, set in a complete hopelessness.
D, for David =o)
hey D for David ;p
that's a long reply. :) how far bck have u read my blog anyway? juz wondering.
I've been trying all my life to forget the past. Frens have been telling me to do so and to look at the future. No matter how hard i try, the past haunts me. All the time.
I see things I don't wanna see so I'm seldom surprise but in shock coz it's like I'm reliving the day.
Battles? with parents, health, future and the world. Isn't our lifes made out of battles big and small? :) To reach goals i mean.
I've lost all patience for life. I've always been trying to be the goody girl and tried to get ppl to like me and be my frens since i was a little girl. Been living a fairytale life to survive this life; imaginary frens, animals as frens... :) it's all in a mind of a persistant little girl....
When i see dead bodies, i feel like i should be the one in tat coffin. The person laying there has a better life then i and they can definately make a difference in the world. They have a better reason to live longer then i....
But who am i to judge, I've missed death so many times....
Hi pretty musicalpup,
Different generations do have differences and as a x-generation, they see the world as a down-to-earth phenomenon, but without the practical experience of what it is as it is compared to those born before the WWII. Be realistic :o)
It may be true as what your friends mentioned to you and i hope it's correct: your life be best understood from the past, but please live for the future. However, in the mean time of the present, do your best as you can.
I think you are transformed from somewhere of nowhere to believe in being a soldier in life as how many soldiers are convinced by such-and such president to fight in an unfavorable battle. Why make yourself a soldier, sweetie? Did you lost your limbs and a must to swim against with 20 top swimmers? Or you are so poor that you sell your everything for lovely dogs? I believe you understand where you are. Just somehow you are not happy with parents (who never before told you that they stayed in the hospital quarter), the future that no one can predict but you want a total control over:( What's good about the goal you must attain in your time and in your control, is that a goal after all?
You know well the differences between being loving and lovable right? I used to think,"oh, they are loving people, how nice they are". Yet I seldom realized i needed to be lovable. Being lovable may not be a choice for others to love, but a condition we allow others to love, pamper, hug us...regardless they may not love us back. And that's love.
However, wanting to be sick and die doesn't impress others who know about your talents, usefulness and value while there are countless who can live if you lend a helping hand. Some live as if they will never die. Some die as if they have never lived.
Try to change a perspective and see how it is. Try not to wrestle with monsters; try to cook and have a good meal with the family (and your dogs); try to sit in the couch (which is your prison) to enjoy a quiet sunset and a hopeful sunrise; try every bit of small things in your journey of life, instead of calling it battlefield. Remember, only a murderer survives from a fight, and there is no winner at all.
Get used to yourself, and others who care about you :)
D, for David
whoa D,
i'm impressed. U have really interesting comments. Although i've heard some of it it's rather interesting. I'll keep those comments in mind.
Ppl have said to get ppl to fight battles with u. my ques is where do i find such ppl? trusting them n all? They might stab ur back... hmmmm... all these battle thing is started to get rather confusing... ;p
Life has been pretty hard on me. I used to be amazed I'm still alive n sane wen i think about my past. But now i'm juz totally losing it. Rach thinks it's coz i've been keeping everything bottled inside myself. It's like filling a full cup of water until the water starts over flowing or a building blowing up. Man... I'm thinking like a soldier. violence... this is not good. going to get even more confusing ;p
oh wellz...
btw, how old r u D?(sorry, kinda a straight forward ques.u don have to answer it if u don wan to).
Hi musicalpup,
I am happy you are okay with the remarks:o) Don't just be impressed, do them, for yourself, and others.
Why do you want to know my age? You are 21? The day we are born, the day we begin to die. But before we all die, let's be positively productive. The first thing, please leave out 'battle, fight, struggle, stabbing, die, sanity...'. Do you think your parents had these in mind in order to have you? If they know you gonna be like that, they'd stop you from coming to this planet with ocean, mountain, flowers, animals, blue sky, sunshine, and you will fall in luv, take care of others...
Make sure you get out of the confusing state, because the onset of many mental disorders is in the early 20s.
1. Ask questions for clear understanding instead of prolonged confusion.
2. Pretty lady thinks smartly, which is to think kindly, lovely, peacefully for others.
3. If there are 'friends' with bad influence, including providing unstable and false information, leave them. They are not friends at all. They want you to be like them, rubbish as they have chosen to be throughout their lives. Many are not born as rubbish, but they choose to, with confusing mind.
4. Talk to others to nurture each other. Talk to your family, (make sure don't talk too much to the dogs), talk to friends with clear mind.
5. Choose your friends properly. If you want to be successful, make friendship of that level. Those are educated with heart and mind together, with good virtue, good standing and wise.
I can't guarantee 100% who can be your friends. But it's so important, that you will not be like you right now, confused, lack of confidence, trust, and may be love (your love to dogs doesn't count, dogs treat you the same when you were 7 or 17).
Be smart, smart with good attitude. Know where to go, and don't panic, because everything has its own time, and you have a lifetime to work on. When you have all these, every blessing shall follow you :o)
You are beautiful you know:) don't lose the charm. To every man on earth, we can tell whether a lady is truly beautiful. Musicalpup, 21, your life journey only begins to unfold. When you are lost, let me know here, I be here:)
D, for David.
I am twenty plus :o) Take good care.
D, for David
lol...
D, tat helps alot with the "i'm 20 pluss" bit... lol....
I've tried watever u've suggested. I always did things to make ppl happy. I treated ppl the way I wanted to be treated. I lived life in an innocent way that ppl soon started using me and bullying me.
To be somebody famous and big, we usually have to kick back a few good habits for ourselves to beable to be daring enough to move forward and take the chance.
Love? animals seem to be the only creatures who are able to melt my heart of ice, hatred and anger. They r the only ones tat make me smile n feel important. It's like we understand each other. lol... i sound like a little girl talking about animals tat way but it has always been tat way since i was a little girl.
I'm sick of living in fear all my life and I've been trying to overcome my fears. Doesn't seem to be working but wat the heck. I'll still continue to try....
Hi musicalpup,
Sound like you were a clown and as an infant for last 21 years? I am sorry i put it this way:(
How did people use and bully a lady over 18, uni student, who accesses resources like knowledge and internet? And do you want to be "big" and "famous"? What chances are they?
You are starting to have anxiety, fear, apprehension due to your over-control of what things should be. Although at your age, you are an incredible being, intelligent enough to wean, but, but, you know, musicalpup.
I met many incredible people. A cardiac surgeon traveled to sydney after his mom passed away when he was still a boy. The richest asian business man whose mom passed away when he was 14, left school and selling newspaper and watch in the street. I mention two but i met a lot. None of them has a heart of ice, filled with hatred and anger, frustration and hopelessness.
Seriously i don't really know what type of 'friends' influence you to this extent. Many years ago a lecturer told us a very simple concept in making decision. In order to make decision, we must know information. Based on the complete information, then we can decide. That's decision. And decision generates action. Actions defines your characters, cognitive process, mental status, emotional development... we are old enough to make decisions we are accountable for. However, it's not fair, or stupid for actions we carry out based on wrong or twisted information, either the stupidest questions we never ask, or the whisper from others we consider as friends. Many times, frustration, anger, bitterness resulted, indirectly due to any precise action carried out, don't help us to re-focus what the actual big picture we have been given chances to appreciate.
Musicalpup, you mentioned about god, church, and those people of the church right? And you said you are distant from God now, right? Now, a church lady, weans about everything non-specific, what does God feel about?
I do want to stress a point, the church or church people do not represent the complete image of God; though each one has an image of God. Often times one of them can influence you as you accept with unconditional restriction, just because he or she is of the church. The church may not correlate to the God. They fail many ways in what they learn from this institution of God's mission on earth. More on that, one or two can be very bad influence as well, and i want to consider this very very very seriously. Even those who are hanging in at the church, simply it's the sources of bread and butter, and nothing else they can get, they gossip, they back stab as you mentioned, they do all sorts of this kind of thing.
But, it doesn't matter to you. You can choose to talk to the parents, i am sure they can tell you more not just staying in the hospital quarter. And you are lucky! Many like me have no parents. You have one of those marvelous, paid for your flight tickets to get back to your "horrible" Kuching, and do many small and big things as you grow from 0 age to 21. Twenty one years don't just happen like that. No one would simply drive you to your uncle's place and you were so happy with the dogs (ohhh, dogs again?). And you have cousins as you mentions, in the states, there are so many abandoned by no one and they are the ones, struggle and work more than twice harder than you do, without school fees, less nutritious food, less social connection, less privileged to enter clubs for "big famous" people, they strive like soldiers, with blood and toil with sweat, no entertainment, they should utter in hopelessness and helplessness what on earth they are here for! And then, why do they need to fight? Just die, that's. But be careful, there are friends also without love from the family, either with just one parent, very less privileged, infiltrating to church and next to you, as your friends, telling you not necessary directly how should you feel about yourself and others in your family, because it's the best they can do.
But this is something, musicalpup, they've seen earlier in life what you haven't seen so far, hope. Enormous hope. Exquisitely enormous hope. Hope that gives them courage to move on, without iPod you have lost, without parents' cars or public transport for weird people to move around but just walk,without a lot of things you and many of you have taken for granted, and many of you, do not see what the parents, older generations to struggle in their post wwII, new resettlement that all have become history. You and many of you do not see and appreciate the struggle, we may pay homage to what they have laid before us a journey we may take for granted with less effort to success. And you are just 21. What else do the people around you owe you? You are driven nut right now about music, is that the attitude of a master in music if you wish one day to be? There are plenty play music, on the street for nothing but to be focused by public as famous, there are plenty soundtracks singing about nothing of something, there are superstars turn out to be fallen stars, ask yourself, what is really really really the purpose, usefulness, value, in your life, spend a few years thinking about, and remember, your journey is just unfolded at 21, a long way to go. Now you need to get help for your anxiety, fear, anger, bitterness, swinging moods, confusion, all in all, there are many like me, care about you. That doesn't mean you don't do anything. And to do, requires you everything. First thing first, eliminate "friends" may whisper things alter your feeling, thinking and everything. And i am serious about this. Friends are the strangers we have enlisted to access you, without you knowing them completely the motive behind, and they can be bad but pretending as angels.
I am sorry musicalpup, your friends may say nice things to you, false beliefs or wrong info, but i pour these from my heart. I am sorry I say things hurt you :o(
D, for David
Lorz,
I feel that I have to say this two words:
"Thank You" - Maybe I should have told you earlier, but nevertheless, you have been an influence on my personal growth. Either indirectly or directly, either little or huge influence, I really appreciate it, really do. I'll tell you someday, if you really want to know.
"Sorry" - for my earlier comments that had hurt you, although it did came from my good will as a mean to help. I'd learnt that imposing knowledge onto another, again although comes from good intention, will sometimes hurt the person's feeling. And, some of my comments did seems as that. Also, for my "disappearance", I'm truely sorry.
David,
Have we meet before? Maybe perhaps, the word "pathwalker" would rang a bell in you?
Anyway, although I could not coincide with some of your opinions, I do find your posts inspiring :)
My personal opinion and what I'd read, is that, there's a distinction between knowing and believing. Knowing comes from within and believing is accepting what others tell you as true. So, if we can sort out what we know and what we believe, would our mind be more focused now? What do you think?
Hi "path-walker",
I do not have a clue who you are, not even the "path-walker", :)
Either believing or knowing, both this for Path-walker and musicpup, they don't mean an inch to all of us at all, if we do not put into practice what of it is as it is. After all, it's just living in the paper and not in the real world. Believing and knowing are both inside us, that's all about it. No necessary argument of how we should define further on that. Just do it.
That processes inside us, knowing and believing, the moving of constant objects and the magnitude in direction of what those "realities" in us, it can be monkeys teaching, dolphines driving, and suddenly that and this, as it's manifested in the post "questions". Yes, it's just inside us, to exquisite degree of extent, purely useless when we do nothing about what confuse us, tax us, slaughter us.
What really matters when our mind focused, is when both hands are driven to attain our goals, with the margin of deviation. Be positive in the reality.
I believe, to pass on relevant encouragement and challenges, to a wounded person lying for ages, to stand on both feet as it's the time, it's time, to wake up from illusion, delusion, fantansy, dream back to reality, a reality with sunrise tomorrow, sunset in the evening, people we can touch in the noon, with all we could to bless within our capacity.
It's okay, people can ignore, be emotional wrecks, keep day-dreaming, being lazy in the eyes of parents and the family, while they work so hard not just to do for us, also for others, and themselves in the last minute.
You can choose a destiny or the destiny chooses you. It's up to you. You know quite alot, and more than enough to call yourself orientated and alert, rather confused about trust and anything. No one has a bed of roses. Each of us has definitely something to work on. Don't be self-pity, self-gratifying and self-indulging.
Do something everything, with purposes and direction. Play the hardest piece and hit the piano, music! Music you pursue does not give you strenght and hope now. Forget about music. Curse your father online while he's away, good for you. With all the blessings and talents, wean, wean and wean over and over again. Many have nothing or a quarter of we have, and here you talk about "being nice since the dark age, and must kick off good habits to get yourself into a piece of work", i would say sb like that must have been pretending with motives behind since the creation of earth and heaven.
"Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us everyday".
D, for David
Post a Comment
<< Home