i scare myself

Just looking at my life just make me wonder.Y do i just worry everyday. I mean if my results r not good then it just means that I've taken the wrong path. I may worry about wat my parents may think or the fact that they would be dissapointed in me but the fact is that I'm not perfect n they just have to accept me the way i am. They just have to be proud of who i am though i just dunno wat they think of me... I mean, life IS short.Where m i headed thru writin all these?? Well, lets just say I just realize that I may not see tomorro. I may not be able to have a bf or a husband or kids... I could die any day any time.... Ok ok I'll just go to the point.  Lets just say that I just freaked myself last night.... I mean I really felt like I was goin to die and there was nobody there with me... Before i went to bed last night, I had a sudden attack.. Something like an ahsma attack.. Was practiacally gasping for air and my chest suddenly hurt alot... I was really scared half to death... THis is stupid but i actually cried... I was just so scared. I didn't know who to look for.I felt that I sudn't be worrying about life and just let it be... Maybe it's time I could really trust ppl.... If they do hurt my feelings and things like that,I mean well it is part of life and i just have to bare with it.... these attacks of mine occurs once a blue moon. So i suppose it's not as scary as the frequent 1s ppl have... I just hate telling ppl about my health prob. It just makes e feel like I'm not capable of doin anything. It's as if saying that I'm weak and useless... I just wanna live a normal life. I just hate it. At some times I suffer but i just don't wanna tell anyone coz I don't wan them to freak out and i just don't want them to worry so much about me... Last night was 1 darn scary night.... I didn't know who to look for. I didn't wana freak my roomate and I didn't wana call home coz parents already asleep.... Sometimes I just wsh I had someone close to look for. But that just keep me wonderin. Who is worth contacting? The pain last night lasted for nearly half an hour to an hour. And some more this morning I woke up feeling as horrible as ever. Had another attack again in the morning during a few of my classes... it's really scary... I just can't wait to go have my medical check up..... M doin it at my cousin's hospital which is some where around kl... Doin my check up this weekend though I dunno wen that would be.I mean I'm really freaking myself up.     Okok.... enough with all the negatives... Now for the positives.... With all the attacks, i actually was allert in class.... *shiishh*  Time really flys and all I'm looking for now is for someone whom I an really trust.Whom I can always depand on. At times i wish I could go back to my golden childhood days.... Those were the happiest time of my life. I was happy and healthy.... Anyways,.........
My lil bro,Leandre... Seems to be missing me. This actually suprices me considering I use to have lotsa conflict with all my siblings and that includes my sis... She just said that she loves pissing me off.... Hmmmm.... I suppose they would be always a time where everybody would be missing everybody... :) But to tell u the truth I don't actually miss anyone back home.I know it's mean but i dunno.. ??? Wat m suppose to do... Rearrange my synapes??? lol.. I suppose I'm studyin to much of bio.... :p   
I suppose this is all I gotta say... I think I have said too much for now.....