funeral

Yet another death in the family... my uncle(dad's brother in law). The family is the closest to us from my dads side. He had a heart attack climbing down the mountain with his friends. We all thought it was just a normal heart attack but he never recovered.
The thing is, he died the same time i wished for death (long story). I wished it soo hard, on somebody else. And it happened with my other uncles. The uncle in aussie I wished for death and last year around the same time I wished for death. And again I feel like it's my fault. Don't get me wrong, I know it's not my fault but it feels like it.
His children are less then 15 years old. I seriously dunno what to do or how to react. Wished it were me instead. His family is full of love.
When I heard this news I just felt like being with someone close(some of you know who). But I dunno what to expect when I do contact that person. *sigh*
I feel soo extremely lost. I just can't wait to sing and enjoy the music. It's high time I drown myself into lively music like jazz instead of my own music of deep emotion....