getting from bad to worse..

*sigh*
everythings getting from bad to worse.... I remembered the time where me and my classmates were talking this topic on suicide... It was mainly coz it was 1 of our moral project thingy.... Anyways, there were questionairs being passed around and the main question was... Have you ever thought of commiting suicide? I remembered 1 of my frens saying that its darn normal for every human being to be thinking so but is it actually true???
By the way, the truth is I DID thought of it.Not once but many times but never actually did it... :P that's y I'm still here.... I'm not saying that I'm thinking of doing so now.. Just the thought of it now scares me... But anyway, back to the point... Well, since I'm suffering with my health and my future, sometimes i just wish some1 would shoot me from behind or even a car knocking me or a sudden health attack which currently kinda scares me.... I remember when I was younger,I used to always pray to God...
Dad,ur my only daddy that really care.I care about the world even though they don't care about me.I'm willing to give up my life just to save others cause I've found u and m happy.Give other ppl a chance to live a life in finding u and in making the world a better place.. Make them chance the world to the better.Make them live dad..... In Jesus name,Amen.
I remembered i kept prayin the same prayer if not every month, every year.That was like since my grandmother passed away.She was the only 1 who actually cared about me at that time.I didn't realize it till she was gone... I was like the last person to say goodbye to her before she left us.I didn't even cry when she left.. I had no feeling at all... Not until a few years after that. I soon realize that I was her favourite grandchild.That I was actually being loved and I felt it... Then i started crying... Praying yet again....
God, why did u take her away from me. She was the only 1on this earth that actually loved me.Why couldn't they change my heart with hers.(that time the had holes in her heart and i didn't know anything about bio)Y Lord... I don't mind leaving this horrible world just to let my grandma live.Why didn't u let her live to she her children grow and to see her grandchildren grow... Why???
...lol... those were the time....those were the prayers.... those were the silent memories I normally have when I'm quiet....
These all leads to the fact that I'm having lotsa pressure.Considering my health,my class test have been dropping and thats bad considering my mocks like in less then 2 months away... Pluss I have pressure from parenst in what future I should take.In waht path I should take....What if I don't do as well as i should. Wat if i don't reach the qualifications to whateva uni.... Why can't all thses worry just disappear?!
Yesterday my health didn't improve.I skip the whole day of classes.Ok ok... Actually I went for bio lab which was at 830am.. It's not like we were using any smelly chemicals... nothing at all.. but before classes even started, I was already panting and my chest hurt again.So i went back and called my dad and taken my medications to class.... Halfway, I couldn't walk straight and I started felling faint.So I took the medications... not knowing that I would feel more faint and that it was coz of the medication which made me couldn't actually see straight.(thanks to dad).. Anyways, I told my lecturer that I was feeling faint... She said I did look kinda ill these few days or rather weeks.She told me to rest a while then continue my experiment but I just couldn't last so I asked to be excused from class... At my hostel,i slept for more than 3 hours. In the afternoon, I felt kinda better...
These attacks come on and off...It really irratates me some where or another.... I just don't have the mood to actually communicate with anyone but yet there are times i just needed encouragement.I don't even have the energy to talk to anyone nowadays.I don't have the energy to argue like i always do :P. I don't have the energy to layan anyone.I just don't have the energy to open my mouth basically... ;p
Well, I suppose i gotta be going now... Just thought I would rest my mind after 1 1/2 hours of work non stop... My mind is just in the blues now.. Am currently waiting for somethings exciting and cheerful to happen in my life... :P Hope this depression won't last long cause I can feel that it's actually killing me....
Now it's back to my books.... I gotta catch up with lotsa things which I've missed during the period which I've lost in my ever sickly days... :P