Do I look that horrible?

Today was weird.Some how i seem to be bumping into ppl and I mean literally bumping into them.It's like any other ordinary quiet day.
A had made me realize I was still holding my burden from home and today I found more.
Went for piano lesson and at the end of it, my teacher was asking questions.The normal thing she does every week.My lesson was worse from last week.I can't seem to relax when I play in front of my teachers.Ean's right,we try to hard when we actually do better by being ourselves.She said I looked depressed everytime I walk into the room.Do I look that horrible?I wouldn't think ppl would notice it.It made my mind wonder alot after that.I haven been happy since my siblings came to the world.I'm not blaming them but that's how it is.I was happy when I was a little girl.That I know.Once those little ones start coming around, I got scolded and depression was kept in silence which was why I was a timid and quiet little girl.During teenage life I thought I'd be able to change it.I remember thinking,"what if I spoke up.Maybe ppl would understand and I would be happier".So that's what I did.I answered back and explained.But it didn't work and I thought if I spoke more then they'll listen and understand, which made things worse.I became a bomb.Exploding whenever I felt like it and I couldn't help it.
College was great.My wonderful friends there showed me life and made me open up.I was more relaxed and see life through senses instead of as it is.But it wasn't enough.Being still close to home I still felt pressured and depressed.I didn't go out much with friends coz I knew my parents wouldn't have liked it.As most of you may know, my parents were strict about me going out.You could hardly get me out of the house.Even going out with church friends were difficult.So I stayed at campus most the time burrying myself with work loads,sorrow and textbooks.Outcome? I never did greatly in anything.I just wasn't happy at all.No point studying my head off when all I could think of was worry.
Came home(last year).Felt lighter then I ever was which pulled me back to where I am now.I realize I've never actually been happy in my entire life and I've decided to go out more in the sense of really socializing.I need it.My mind needs it.My confidence needs it.My future needs it.
Problem is how am I suppose to change?I need understanding ppl who'll really help me out.Where do I find those kinda ppl.Can the ppl I've clicked with here be trusted?
I've never been happy with anyone close to me(meaning family:blood wise).Never...Most of my expressions ppl see are fake which makes me realize they don't see the real me.They don't see how much I needed comforting or needed company.
I really need to do something about my problem before it kills me.I know I can do great things and be great.I can see it in the future,but I need to change quite a no of things in my life.And no.1 on my list is my atmosphere.I need to find fun and happiness instead of chaining myself to education and worrying about my parents.Sure,they pay my fees but my future IS my future and they aren't going to let me rott.
I sure hope those NZ guys will help change all my worries.Looking forward to the weekend... =)