About me this year....

I came back from kl knowing that I've changed alot... Appearance,charactor and how i bring myself about... Many people say I changed for the better but my parents say I changed for the worse.
Coming home,staying home for the year was a huge decision for me.Esp me knowing the out come of it.After all,I went to kl to study was actually just to leave home and stay far away..I did missed the food and my doggies.Not forgetting the youth that time when they were still home but I never missed home nor did i actually miss Kuching or my family or anything else.
At the begining of the year I was confident.Nothing could pull me down.I had high spirit and dreams.I was so positive people seeked me for help most the time.I did everything to make things better.I cared about every single detail or problem.I had every answer for every question.I was certain about everything i did.Everything was done confidently....
But that soon all faded by the 5-6th month.Dreams colapse.Heart started breaking.Started sliding back.Became more negative.My fire and desire in me burn out.Now I'm totally unsure of things.Not all question I could answer.Problems are left unsaid or unfixed.Not caring for everything or anything.Feeling lost and alone most the time.Sad most the time and things just bring me feeling low to the ground.
Me?yes... But the thing was it was me all along.
I just didn't say it out.Horrible dreams and happenings stay in me left unsaid.untold.Sadness and anger was hidden from the world.I hid it well....I didn't think anyone would know how sad i was my whole life.Or rather since my teenage life.I haven exploded yet.Not yet.I just seem to be having a leak some where... =) instead of bursting there are leaks in me.This year i just couldn't keep everything that is in me.At times I'll burst out everything but on the other hand I'll just keep quiet and pretend that nothings the matter.I find myself needing someone.Never before needing someone.You may say it's good needing someone but i come to realise i need you alot which is a bad thing.I can't seem to stand on my two feet like i used to.I'm totally unsure of things.I seem to feel that I have infact 2sides of me.1 that craves to burst out being wild and the other holding unto myself being curled up not letting go.
Being in a group i find myself answering alot.Only the problem is nobody hears me.The words don't come outta me.It stays for only me to hear.At times i feel like speaking out but my muscle tense up and my mouth is either kept shut or opens with laughter... =) I keep things being told to me to myself.I keep myself from people yet at times force myself to show up and open up.
I find myself being alot like my father;a person i don't wanna follow in the foot steps off...I hate the many food he hates.I look more like him then any of my siblings.I have the heart of a caring person.I have quite a temper at times.I have a very violent side and I have freckles... ;p not forgetting stubborn.
The more my parents prevent me from doing things,the more i seem to want to do them.The more people want to see me hidden away,the more I wanna be heard and seen.I find myself splitting into 2.What is right and what my heart knows is right.What is true and what is not...
My mind is clouded with doubt,fear,anger and sadness... Everwhere i go whatever i do i fear.Don't ask me what i fear and why.I don't know.I just have the sense of fear in me.The horrible feeling I wanna get rid of.The feeling i wanna face.
I don't wanna be alone.I don't wanna fight my battles alone but I suppose in life it's just a solo journey.A solo journey to death....