Life's like that

I’m now in my room trying to calm myself. As tears flow down my cheeks, I keep thinking of how unhappy I am now. How much I wish I wasn’t born or for that matter non existence. Every time I feel like my heart has been pierced by a thousand knifes. How unlucky I am to be around. My fingers trembling hard as I pour out my feelings. I don’t wanna cry any more. But I can’t stand it. Words spoken are more painful then action.
Sure go ahead and say parents love their children. But how can you consider it love when they keep discouraging you and making you feel not only horrible but hopeless in this world? No matter what I say or do doesn’t make life any better. Many times I just wanna hide at the little corner not be bothered. Sometimes I just wanna be invincible. That is why I’ve decided not to believe in love.
Sure call yourself Christians or whatever religion. I think it’s all bullshit. Sure teach all the teaching created by men but where is the truth in it all. There IS a God and the 2nd coming and all but the rest are just bull. Isn’t there suppose to be happiness being a Christian? Isn’t there suppose to be understanding in it? Why in the world would we risk our future just for something stupid which we can’t even see? We can’t see the future. We can’t see the clear path of our lives.
That is why I just want a break from all this. I’ve been following my parents and their ways for all my life. Even deciding on the uni wasn’t me. It was all my parents decisions. I never had a say in anything. I wanted to study in contemporary music. If not I want to do music education. Between Sydney and Melbourne, I chose Melb. And they say that it’s all my decision. The put me in Sydney in a reason that they could save cost. I would be staying with my aunty who is a free thinker. Now thanks to my stupid noisy relatives, I’m gonna stay with this stupid religious aunty who’s daughter has no sense of commend sense and the fact that they are the stupid religious type of ppl that talks too much nonsense about the end of the world and the ppl around them. I can’t stand it. I wanted to be free but now I’m stuck.
Dad keeps saying I’m lousy and I’ll never become better. Haven I become better then before I left for kl? I’ve become more confident instead of being my old self no thanks to them. I never believed un myself until I met the outside ppl. Free thinkers…. The only encouragement I actually got last year were mostly from my music teachers though I didn’t actually pay them to encourage me and talk to me like a counselor. They were suppose to teach me music. But that didn’t really bother me though it’s sorta wasting my parents money. I needed encouragement. I needed to be pushed. I needed to feel confident again.
And now I just wanna go against everything my parents have to say. I don’t actually wanna come home. What is home when your being kicked outta your own room before even leaving? Or being so discourage every time I meet those ppl staying in it?
Tears still flows…. I just wanna leave this place asap. I feel like I’m gonna really lose it completely. My fingers still tremble with anger and hurt. My heart aches with the thought of un-acceptance from my own parents.
My future is my future and they can’t control me. I can look after myself perfectly fine. What is their problem anyway? It’s not like they are giving my stupid cousin or brother any problem. It’s like they are more innocent then me when in fact they can’t even look after themselves properly….
Why was I born in this unlucky body? Why in this home of hurtfulness?