terrible sabbath

Friday night wasn't as it was suppose to be.
Went out to my same spot to relax my mind to be disturbed by my mum. I did feel better after being outside at my spot to come home and make the whole feeling turn into a nightmare.
Came home having my dad lecture me about me not being humble. When he mentioned my cousin's name(the one i hate) I totally lost it. I went to my room covering my ears. I didn't wanna feel the anger by remembering what that stupid cousin has done to my life. Then my mum got me outta my room to talk to me which is totally fine. To find her lecturing me as well and dadm pouring in whatever harsh worse about me. Before I blow I left the room to have my dad hit me in the arm. The pain shot up to my mind. It was piercing. I screamed and cursed. The pain was intensed. My left arm has just healed n now I have to worry about my other arm. After screaming my mum started hitting me. Protecting my head lying on their bed, dad came with his belt and started wacking me.
More pain. More hurt.
For those who knows my parents may not believe this kinda things actually happen. Especially my parents being very nice people. This makes me think I'm crazy. It really does.
Spent the rest of the night crying and feeling the pain.Cried to sleep and wished I didn't exist. Wish I was dead. Felt like I needed somebody to be next to me trying to calm me down. Making sure I was ok and just being there. Wanted to leave the house again and scream but I knew I was trapped in here. It's nothing to do with God testing me or anything. I've had this hurtful feeling since I was young. Since before I accepted Christ.
Woke up still in tears. Eyes puffy. Headache and pain all over. Didn't feel like going to church. Mum scolded again. Dad wasn't in. Left for a meeting. Waited for mum to leave then started to get ready for church. My whole body ached. Especially my arm but I hit it from the world.
Went to church feeling lousy. I didn't wanna go but I feel like I have to go since it's my last sabbath here. Wasn't expecting much. I knew the church didn't see much to it.
Afternoon was better. Me and Elsie felt tense while leading the choir. Maybe becoz bos was arround. Choir was a bit flat but that was ok. They sang better then while being led by bos. After choir I had fun with the youth. Felt connected. Felt wanted. Felt missed. Felt visible. I spend the afternoon talking to the youth and laughing alot. Opening abit until now. I just came back from church. It's something to remember off. But sorry to say, I don't think I'll actually miss anything here in Kuching aside from the food and my dog.
Btw, received small gifts from a few friends both close and not close frens. Just wanna say thanks for the thought... =) Sorry no party from me =)