Retirement Village

Today the church had an outing to the retirement Village somewhere at lewisham. About 20 of us went. We reached the place and sang at 2 floors. I had to play the piano(I think it was the 1st time most the church members heard me play). We had our pastor play the violin and a kid on the recorder. It was really an experience. Made me go back in time. To the time where we used to ALWAYS go to orphanages and old folks home. I used to love it. Going to these places and making them feel happy. Used to go up to them and talk to them trying to be their friend. Loved planning Christmas visitations to orphanages and always looked forward to going to the old folks home.
Today? Some how I look at those people there and I seem to see death. I freeze at sight. Could hardly look at them at the eye or talk to them. I DID talk to some of them just now but not as I used to. Not to everyone of them. I felt pulled back and afraid. I've seen enough pain, death and sadness to bring me to this point. I hate the feeling and wish I could shake the feeling off but it seems almost impossible at this state.
Talked to some of them which made me smile and happy to know that they ARE happy with our company. Had a lady not wanting me to touch her koala doll, another telling me I had nice legs. That guys would definately like them if she noticed them(hmmm.. go figure), another told me they loved our company, another liking our performance(musicians) and a few cried being touched by the music.
*sigh*
I definately miss all these voluntary/ missionary work.
Today reminded me of how I used to enjoy sharing God with others. How innocently capable I used to be in cheering those people up. How much joy it brought me to see those happy, smiling faces that reaches out with those thankful looking eyes.