Death

Why can't I die?
I've tried. I actually do try ending my life but constantly my body tends to recover or protect itself from death. Overdose...... Overdose......
I even came back from death many times. Why can't I just stay dead?
Couldn't I just stay dead when I was born? Or drowned in the pool when I was a kid or just stopped breathing many times as a teenager. Why do I recover from bad fevers and other stuff? Why does my body keep pushing on?
I don't know what to do or where to go. All I know is that I'm feeling all alone. There's nothing special about me for ppl to think of. I don't have a family that is proud of me. I don't have my own family. I don't have my doggies here with me. I don't have anyone who misses me constantly. I don't have trusting reliable friends around me. I feel like I don't.
I know God answers prayers coz I remember clearly that as a child, if I prayed hard enough, he answers them. Why can't he answer this 1 prayer? I want to die. I'm ALWAYS near death but not dead and I want to die. Badly.....

Depression

Hi to those who are reading my blog. I feel like I have to vent out. After all which has happened, I'm not sure who I wanna go and talk to or disturb. If I choose anyone to talk to, I feel like I'm a burden.
I know many ppl who've read this would either agree with me or think I'm Satan. I think christians are fake people. Human in general are sadist people but christians in particular are the biggest liars. I've been used by so many people, cheated, hurt by all these people and left to suffer the pain.
There are many things I don't wanna tell the world and there are many secrets I don't wanna share. All I can say here is that I wish you people would stop with the fake compliments and practice what you preach physically and mentally.
I use to be able to defend myself and fight my own battles. But now I don't have the strength to carry on. I cry so often. I don't play music from my heart and soul anymore since Nov 2010. I don't listen to my ipod anymore. And most of all I constantly pray that I'd stop breathing.
I have been finding it hard to breathe these days. And I know it's from stress. My mind and my heart constantly argue with each other and I can see myself falling apart when I am alone for long. I know I should pick myself up, think positively and keep moving on but I can't seem to pull myself back together like I use to. I see 1 Lorraine screaming at another Lorraine to get up from all the falls she's had but I just can't move. As I have said many times, my heart is constantly having battle with my mind(logic).
When I'm free and at home, I hardly leave my room. It feels like the safest place besides being with someone I trust. I haven't gone out shopping or gone out to watch a movie. I haven't gone venturing out to some new place or met new people as I've always enjoyed doing. I haven't taken a random trip out of NSW which I love doing. And this is all since Nov 2010. Everything changed and my perspective of myself has to.
I feel like I'm making things up even though I'm not. I feel like everything's a lie and that I'm going crazy. I feel like wanting to end it all.......
If only it were that simple......
My heart can't take it any longer.....