Saturday, February 17, 2007

questions

Life never seems to stop spinning at all directions does it?
Your heart and mind argues about everything that comes your way. pigs driving cars or flying the plane? what about donkeys running schools and monkeys taking over the world? lol....
How would you feel if ppl who were special to you forgot all about u? forgot about little details about you? forget that all you wanted was happiness? forgot that they were the ones that tore your heart, that they were the one that ended it?
Then again what about you? Did you forget? Did you make any mistake? Did you do the wrong move? Is this all just a lie or a dream? What is real? Who can be trusted? What about pain and hurt? Time??
All these questions and these happenings around me. Unable to control it... Things become a habit easily. Pain become too painful. Facial expression goes it's way wether my heart and mind is with it that's another story. I couldn't care less about life as it is? Ppl hurting me? I've been having that all my life. What is new. But who do i know to trust? which path am i to take? which mountain to climb and which sea to cross? should I continue waiting for the next bus? should I just follow which ever life boat that comes my way even if it's a pirate's boat?
I want answers yet I myself can't produce them. I want time yet mother nature forbits it. I want peace but satan wouldn't let it. I want my mind back but stress has taken it away from me.
What do i want? I dunno and don't care anymore.....

Sunday, February 11, 2007

dunno

THanks D and JET for your concern. Makes me feel better already just to hear from you guys. I dunno if I should be sharing. At times I do wanna share but other times I think that's the only I can do; complain. If you ask me to talk about anything else it isn't as easy as complaining about my life. Many ppl say I should think and act positive and pray. I know I should but feeling crappy all the time especially during this month isn't helping. ANd I'm not interested in religion or God anymore. Maybe sharing is a good thing but I suppose company from friends is much better. Hearing from ppl cheers me up too :) Music brings my soul to another dimension. Animals brings me bck to my childhood days.
Been pretty moody. I can't control my temper. My imagination has been going pretty violent. And I'm a prisoner in my own house.
3 alternative wishes....
1) wish I was a little girl again bck to before I was 10 years old before my siblings when to school, before grandma died, before things got more complicated.

2) wish I was in the further future where my life is stable, financially strong, job great, lovely children with me full control of my life and being everything I've always dreamt.

3) wish I was dead. No suffering. I wouldn't feel so confused and painful. After all, life isn't worth living.

I seriously dunno. Is there another way out of this dreadful life? I've been trying to find a way and fighting my battles far too long. There's just too many lost battles. Too many injuries. Too many false information....

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Going insane

Yup...
The more i live the more i notice myself losing my mind although not really realizing it until later on. It's scary I know but I dunno what to do about it.
I've promised myself not to talk to anyone about my problems. It seems majority of my guy friends say I complain too much. So no matter how much I really wanna share and seek comfort, I have to learn to stay quiet. After all ppl seem to like to get in the way of my conversation. I always end up not talking at all.
What am I to do. Dreams can't be reached coz I don't have any money. coz of parents.
Nothing else can be said. Everyday, everytime, every moment I breathe, i wanna die. I wanna sooo die. I don't wanna live. There's no purpose in living. There's no more reason to live. There's no reason to believe in life and the words of others. There's no reason for me to continue with all these torture and surfering....