Wollongong

Went there last night. An hour drive. Followed church member there. There was an orchestra performance there with an invited young chinese, australian pianist. It was brilliant compared to the previous orchestra the night before which i watched. Made me think more and wished more. Made me realize alot of things.....
After the concert, we went to mount Kiera in the middle of the night. There were 8 of us but only 4 of us went. A young couple, an old man and a little gal.. =) The walk was kinda killing considering I've been walking in shoes and boots for weeks. Haven rest my poor feet. Not to mention it was really steep. Now that was my exercise for the week. But it was worth it though the dark was scary. We only had a small torch. I was trying not to think. I think I would have totally freaked out if I were by myself. Anyways, the view was magnificant. I think it would have been much more brilliant during the day. Made me think of my childhood imaginary world and reminded me of the olden happy days....... Reached home past midnight. Dead tired now but I can't rest. Not just yet.
The whole trip made me realize that I DO have a boyfriend. In fact, we've been together for a long long time. Everyone would be really interested in this news wouldn't they? =) Here it is.... It's music. I'm sooo in love with music and everything. I normally would think of my dogs back home. They are like the most important thing in the world to me but I hardly think of them. Music covers my worries. It's always there for me in depression and loneliness. We do have arguements (when I can't do the work or my painful wrist). It's the only thing I'd rather spend my time with. It makes me special and out of this world. I may like ppl and stuff but music is everything to me. I've never felt so secure with music. I realize that I'm happy doing music. In fact I wish I had more time to study more of it and learn more about it. Music clouds my thoughts on worries or ppl. In fact the more I spend my time with music, the more I forget about every other thing in the world. It's just me and music. Now this is love. I don't mind studyin for another 7 years.
Sorry for ppl out there. Am breaking more hearts i know. But I realize that music for now is my boyfriend, my lover, my husband.

Time moves slow

Am at the con at 440pm just waiting for time to pass by. I've finish most of my assignments and got most of my stuff done. Wish I had more work to do.I have fun doing notes. The rest of my homework are back home so right now I'm pretty bored. Am suppose to go main campus for a conccert "Shall We Dance" It's not the J.Lo or 'Anna and the King'. It's some dance thingy i think. No harm to find out. After all it's free... =) We are suppose to leave at 5 for dinner and it starts at 730pm.
Am feeling pretty hungry too... =( holding unto my money real tight. Only have enough to last me 2-3weeks. Mum hasn't put in any money so not spending too much. I'll wait till dinner later.
Wrist? Hurts even more now. The funny thing is i haven been practising for almost 2 weeks. Ok, maybe i did practise a little here and there but it's only for 15-30 minutes from my usual 3-4 hours.
Wheather is starting to get colder. Sky starting to look gloomier. Time sometimes moves fast but now it's moving slow for me.
I look myself at the mirror and realize I've gotten skinnier from last week. Didn't eat for almost a week when I was really sick. Now am ok. Appetite coming bck though not tat strong.
I miss playing music ='( *sigh* I've been feeling sooo lost for the past 2 weeks without my music. This is my main reason in doing music. So that I can play music all my life. But now taking a break with wrist not getting better(i think it's coz of the giant swing); I knew I souldn't have done it. But nnnoooooo.... I had to have pressure from everyone.....
Anyways me gtg. Nearly 5pm. And it's raining. Oh wellz.....

help

I seem to be really good at it... Helping others i mean. For the pass few weeks I've been helping friends with depression, broken love life, school work and stuff. I dunno how i do it but i seem to come up with very weird advises which seem to help. More of connecting things together. Problem is with my talent helping others, I can't seem to help myself. I have many problems many ppl do not see which I can't seem to solve. I'm more confused then usual with all the problems pillings up. Kinda annoying just thinking about it. I help ppl but can't even help myself.

Been very sick since I got back from melbourne. Have very bad gastric, fever, a little migraine, chest pain(from coughing soo much), feel like vomitting and lack of appetitte. I hate this feeling coz so far for the whole month I haven been having proper sleep. And now it's coz I'm sick which is keeping me awake with all the pain I'm facing. Pure shit thats for sure.... Been trying to eat. More of forcing myself but I feel like vomitting and I start coughing. Now breathing is a pain. Feel like there's a needle stuck in my heart when I breath.
I'm suppose to be studying now considerin I've a mid-semester test paper this monday but can't seem to concentrate. All the pain is getting in the way. When I lie down, the pain gets worse. *sigh* wish we had a longer holiday so at least I can rest longer and get better......
Lyn,.... miss u... lol... u can't seem to ever stop cracking me up with ur poses and stuff.... can't wait to hang out with u again.... tell me all ur stories and gay admirers k? ;p lol....
I find myself,suprisingly missing melbourne. It has such a relaxing feeling to it. Never felt sooo relax in a place before. But it's back to work, work and more work for now. Not gonna take a break till my next holiday. Can't afford to take a break. Need all the time I need to be a great musician if not the greatest. It's something to look forward to and it's everything to me. Music is my passion and my soul. It's my life support. =)
Glad I've finally decided to be in the church orchestra and go for concerts which church members or friends ask to go. Life is gonna get more interesting from now on. =) with more love stories u ppl are dying to hear or hilarious moments I go through. Can't wait till my next break...... I need it badly.

This is total shit. It's the giant swing thing I talked about. I'm not ever going to do that again... I still fear heights.... 

somewhere near the 12 apostles only to find that there were only 8 left... hmmm..... 

the Kuching ppl reunited though there were still missing ppl.... 

at the Ling's house.. =) with long lost friendz.. =D  

melbourne

I'm in love with it. It's a beautiful place with beautiful ppl. Felt kinda sad leaving the place yet glad I'm back coz the wheather in Sydney is SSSOOOOO much better and warmer not forgetting pradictable.
~Briefly about my easter holiday.....
Left for melb on Thursday morning. When we land, I was shocked with the sight. Friends were telling me how nice melb was. The land mark around the airport was shocking. No greens at all. Wide open space. The journey all the way to the city was the same. I didn't know wat to think. Thank goodness the city wasn't like tat. I loved the city.
Met Joel and Qing in the city. Had lunch then we met Nila.
Really missed Nila. Haven met her for 5 years or so now. And she's still the same pretty, sporting, out going girl. I hang out with her the rest of the day till 11pm. I didn't feel weird or anything. I felt visible and wanted. I felt like I've met my long lost friend. Wish I had more time with her. That night I went over her friends place to help them with arts and crafts. I really miss doing artsy stuff.... *sigh* Makes me remember the good old days.
Friday was something.Reached church super early so went over Joel's place with Qing and Edmund. Lazed around while the boys played PS2 and Qing talked to the parents. Left for camp realizing there were alot of Kuching ppl there. Made me happy to meet my old english teacher and her husband again. They didn't recognize me at all. Made me feel like they were my parents. Felt this strange feeling. Felt nice to see familiar faces. I suppose I'm glad I went to the camp. Met extra-ordinary ppl there and it wasn't so bad. In fact it's 1 of my favourite camps. Though at times I did feel ignored and hopeless.
The rest of the days at camp was ok. Visited the 12 apostles. But there were only 8 left. Wrist hurt badly though and chest pain returned. Tried to control the pain to realize there were a few ppl with similar conditions like mine. Loved nature and everything but at night, at the camp it was really freezing cold. And the cold wind didn't help at all.... Didn't have proper sleep since i was at camp. Couldn't sleep at all considering I'm a light sleeper, that didn't help much as well. But with that i actually gotta know alot more ppl.
2nd last day was horrible. Woke up feeling like something was not right. Next thing I knew it, I was suppose to do this "Great Swing" thingy. Those who were afraid of heights all had to do it. Only 3 outta 7 were really afraid and I'm included as 1 of the frighten ones. If we did it, we would be donating AU50 to some needy society(forgot wat it's called liaw... ;p).I didn't wanna be a spoilt sport so i did it anyways with full of fear. Thank goodness for Joel and my team members coz I really couldn't take it. 1st try was horrifying. Just the thought of it scares me. I have really wild imaginations(tat's y I have lotsa fears). I felt my eyes water and I had my eyes shut the whole time holding tightly to the rope. I didn't dare do anything. I didn't scream. All i did was "oh shit... oh shit". I thought the 2nd would be better considering that's what the other ppl before me seem to say and I was too freaked out to say I've had enough. This time I felt like dying. I came down trembling. I couldn't wait to get back on land. I was still and ok until i started trembling and when Joel and the rest brought me to the bench, I just started crying outta fear. I couldn't help it. Tears just started flowing down. I'm not EVER going to do this again.
Now my whole body hurts, but out of it all I DID enjoy. I've never laughed so much in 2 years. I've never felt so relaxed in 3 years. I've never felt lighter....
Spent the last day in Melb hanging around with Joel and Thad. Friends say I should get girlfriends to hang out with instead of guys... lol...
Anyways tmr will be shopping and will be busy again with studies, tutorials and assignments pluss presentation preperations. Can't wait till weekend again.
Can't wait for the future. Life is starting to get really interesting... =)
Now all I have to do is fix my chest pain and wrist problem. I'm still clueless on what to do.

But i wanna play the piano

It's been a really hectic week for me. Hardly had enough sleep but all is well. Got kinda closer with a few ppl though the indian guy still buggs me. I could see that even the girls I'm with seem to be quite annoyed by the fella... =) The china fella,F says the indian's new hair cut looks like a potato... lol... Dunno where he got tat idea...
Everything seems fine aside from me not getting enough sleep. Pimples popping out.
Finish two of my assignments which is due in a few weeks time. Still got my presentation and written essay to do for Historical and Cultural Studies. Need to do a few works on my Harmony and Analysis, Aural Perception and Significant Method's upcoming assignment.
I've been taking a really strong pain killer which helps me from feeling the pain of my wrist but my hand trembles quite badly. If i don't take the medicine, then I'd be able to feel the pain. Piano teacher says i could take this 2 weeks off(Easter break) and not practise. It's better resting now then having a permanant effect and not able to play for life, having to stop my course. *sigh*
It's scary just thinking about it. Worries me alot. God my blood test results today. Was i dissapointed. Though I don't really want a bad result, i wanted an explanation for my pain and suffering. I wanted to find the problem and solve it. Everything seemed normal is my blood test result. Wish I could find the problem there. Then at least I would know what to do. Right now I'm just clueless....
Legs are freaking tired and painful from all the walking. I'm glad it's Easter break. Leaving for melbourne tmr. Hope it's relaxing instead of running around like mad animals...
Borrowed my mp3 and textbook to my friends. Wish i had my mp3. Can't live without music while on the go. It keeps me on the go... =)
Thinking about being sooo busy, I wish I had someone to hang out with. Sure I'm starting to get close with some of the students but then again it's just enough for me.(I sound greedy)....
Can't wait till this semester is over. I really need to treat myself with a break.
I'm still on the verge in persuiding dad to let me back in July in time for the rain-forest festival... lol... ya,the secrets out.. =) (it's a bonus info for those who read my blog often). At the same time it's running from the winter season. Actually I miss my cuddly doggies, the car and luxury of a servant and my sister picking after me.... ;p I just wanna feel spoilt again i suppose. Then again being more spoilt wouldn't be such a bad idea after all =D

Things to do:
-get flat boots
-get new shoes(mine starting to die,ppl on the train and uni keep stepping on it)
-finish assignments at least a week before due date
-do more harmony exercise
-continue doing sit-ups(haven been doing it for awhile,been rushing to uni)
-massage arm(can't be lazy now)
-tidy room before leaving tmr
-pack stuff
-get a nano ipod
-get Vania bday present =)
-practise clarinet and violin
-get a cover for printer(it's starting to collect dust)
-wipe piano(collecting dust as well)

Great exciting day but exhausting

Sabbath was great though really chilling.Went to Ashfield unsuspectedly but that was ok.No youth were there but it was ok.Sabbath school was kinda boring though.There was this 1 particular lady which irretated me.Every time she opened her mouth I feel like telling her to shut up but then I just smile sweetly at her =) Wonder how her husband stands her.She's asian and her husband is aussie.I was soo bored I felt I was going to fall asleep.Eyes felt heaty.Have been feeling like that for a week or so now.I looked down at my hands to find my left hand trembling.Can't to think of it I didn't touch the piano today.So this is sorta a bad sign.Can't wait to get it fixed asap.It's scaring me to bits.Just as I was going to wonder in my own world,suprisingly the NZ guys came and brought this other gal.I was really suprised to see them here.Thought they would be around at another church.I didn't get to talk to them much though coz the gal wanted to leave.
Afternoon I went to Stratsfield adventist high school for the adults orchestra.It's really cool.They have 2 orchestras.1 is the children's which goes for an hour or less(they sound horrible ;p) The adults 1 goes for hours and it's really cool.Though not everyone's an expert I felt ok there.I was the only female clarinetist.Hmmm...Was kinda suprise myself but what the heck.I'm enjoying myself.Though my stamina has really dropped drastically.I find myself stopping so very often when other players are playing.I really have to practise my clarinet at least once a week.It's not as simple as the violin where u can just pick it up and play ok(though the fingers may get sore after along hour of practise).A few students are from the con.More of the high school there.I'm impressed coz it's really hard to get into the high school at the con.Was kinda alone during the break but this really nice and friendly guy started talking to me.He was really sweet to offer me a ride back home after practise and his wife is music education graduate. =) They were like 1 of the friendliest ppl I've met aside from this other lady who is sorta in charge of the whole thing.
Practises are once a month(unfortunately).Was just gonna come and watch today but A's mum asked me to bring along my instrument.Thank goodness I listened to her.Can't wait till the next practise.Performance is some where at the end of the year,at christmas and easter next year... And to think I was thinking of not going bck at the end of the year =)
Everything is sorta planned out for the year.I'm more confident and happy now though worried and exhausted.Can't wait till break period.
*sigh*....

A busy yet boring week

Special Projects Week....
Choir was on monday and thursday.Fun as it is.I always enjoyed choir.
Did quite alot of traveling.From the con to the main campus and back again.Plus the walking which was killing.Sydney is not as small as Kuching or kl for that matter.
Went to see doctors and had blood test.Specialist says I might have a disease:tendonitist.She checked both my wrist and knees and said they all felt imflammed which sounded scary.She advised me to do a MRI(whatever that is),physiotherapy and make a splint especially designed for my wrist.Overall?the cost is like a bomb considering I'm an international student.But I can claim a certain amount of money back considering I'm covered by insurance(I do hope so)...Blood test results will be out monday.Am just crossing my fingers.
Wrist getting more painful.Am just waiting for approval from parents to start my treatment.
Had class today.Actually it was the only class that was on this week.Significant Methods-Dalcroze method.Interesting but as my friend said,the teacher is weird.We had to dance around in rhythms and stuff.Funny,fun but also losening.Can use it to get ppl to open up before a certain activity.. =) I really love the education subjects.They are not only interesting but it really helps.With Kodaly,it helped me with my harmony and pitching practises.
This Sunday,I plan to tour around the city.Depends with who also.Was originally planning to go with the NZ guys but 1 of them working and I couldn't reach the younger 1.Might go out with my malaysian buddy that is if she doesn't ffk me.If not I'm happy exploring the city by myself.At least I don't have to wait for ppl and could go around in my own speed.
Can't wait till I'm on break.I need the real break.I need to rest.Sorta feeling abit feverish.Maybe it's coz of the blood test or sumthing.I wouldn't know.I seem to feel abit sickly everytime after blood is taken outta me.
hmmm....
Anyways I'll be doing a few work before I head to bed.

It's been some moment

Talking to the pastor and getting mails from some of u guys about my problems and blog is really something.Thanks u all...
Some of u would not have imagine a person like me would have even had a hard time with life.To even think I could have gone crazy long time ago is something.I realise I'm a really strong person.Actually that's what some of u have been telling me.Being fragile at heart but yet strong is something.I don't even know how I survived all those horrible moment and still live up standing.
Please leave out the detail that I'm pretty.I hate it sooo much.I know I have the looks but there are other ppl out there prettier then me and I don't need to be reminded of myself.My life has been really complicating.There are plenty more other burden from the past which most of u know of.I'm slowly improving myself.
Pavel(church pr) is right.I should over come my fear of performance by not bothering what ppl think of my playing.Play free and be free.I'm still trying on that.Can't help it when my legs and fingers start trembling.Life is rewarding in it's way.But it only comes in small bits and pieces.He's also right about the fact that I have to get more accomplishments to delete out the failure part of life.Wonder where I'll find enough accomplishments to forget my fears.
I just need to get friends to hang out with.I feel like I should be out there having fun and laughing instead of being stuck at home.I don't really dare go out by myself.esp during the night.It can be really dark outside.I can't even practise now coz uncle is home.Which brings to the fact of the pastor helping me really fast in church.I can practise in church now.They are getting me a church key.And 2 women approached me asking me to join them to form a trio girls group.So that is something to look forward to.He did invite me to his home but I think right now I'm just too busy fitting in and making sure I'm ok with my studies and performance.Maybe next time.
Can't wait for the future.Wonder what interesting moments would come up(hmm...Pavel was talking about special moments in his sermon today)....
Btw,thanks Qing on the free trip the the camp in melb this easter.I'm still in shock.Can't believe you did that behind my back though.Gonna kill u wen i get to melb.. ;p Was suppose to play the piano for some special easter program in ashfield which I promised to help long before u got the stuff done.Feel kinda bad about having to cancel.But oh wells... Hope the camp is as good as what you and Joel have been saying =)