Happy Chinese New Year

As expected,I did enjoy the fire works this year.Normally I'll be the only person in the house with my white doggy until it's all quiet.This year I enjoyed it with my frens though I was hurt by 1 of the fire works(damn pain la). =)
Now I'm tired and exhausted but can't seem to sleep.In a way I want somebody's company but then again too lazy.Feel like calling my frens overseas with a calling card of course but then again most of them would be in bed considering it's not a holiday for them.
I have to be up at 5am to send my uncle to the airport.Then have to be driver the whole day visiting with my siblings.Not to mention cook for new year and get things ready before my parents get back from their holiday.
*sigh*
I'm so exhausted I can feel my eyes feeling heavy yet I can't seem to sleep.
Will be planning of going to the suite in Santubong tmr night though.Have a little peace for awhile.Maybe I'll bring a few frens if not the maid.Wanna go somewhere but don't wanna go alone.Am too scared of the dark and scared of being alone in the dark itself.Oh wells.See how things go....
And yes,I AM using my new baby(note book)... heheh.... I love this thing though the keypads are quite noisy.Still trying to figure out tis thing and uploading a few things.
Can't wait till later.Can collect cash... =D but then again have to put make-up on.Don't think I'll be sleeping today... ;p I don't really enjoy putting make-up.It's mostly to cover pimples or my panda eyes.Just to make me look brighter when actually I'm tired and out of shape i suppose.... ;)
Anyways,Happy Chinese New Year to everyone wherever you are.Enjoy it while it last.

Wishes

I always get my wish granted.No doubt.I do admit that fact.It's whether I except it or not.Would take or not to take that's the question I keep asking myself.
Went to town the whole morning.Going back there again this afternoon to do errands and being driver.Went I passed this sign that actually said "Model Hunt" or sumthing like that.And the thing was that the whole thing was today.The selecting and the fashion show thingy.Problem is that tonight is Sabbath.Not forgetting I don't have frens coming with me supporting me and stuff.Wishes appear in front of me all the time.It just depends whether I take them.It's like the Malaysian Idol thingy was a chance but I didn't take it.I did go through Malaysia's reality show but didn't get far.After all it was my 1st try =) And singing solos,performing in public.I'm getting there aren't I??
But sadly i give a *sigh* I suppose modeling would be just another thing to aim for in the future.Just not now....
And with all this,it made me realise that if i were to stay in Kuching this year,I would have actually gotten a job,pluss the modeling is bonus and a solo part in my mum's operetta.My mum did ask me if I'd like to take 1 of the parts.Wow.... But darn. darn darn darn...... I suppose I just have to go through life.
Life to me is like a video game.Reaching a certain level everytime.For me??I grade myself on level 7 among 30 levels.I'm halfway achieving alot of things.Experience, character, confidence, self-esteem, wisdom and God knows wat else....
I can't wait to reach the future and finally reaching half of my goals.I can't wait to live the future I fore-see.I can't wait to grow old... =D

tonight!!

At 1st the plan was to see Wycliffe work at Travilian with the gang since it's his last few nights working there.Then suddenly remembered the new pastor's son,Philip.So decided to bring him out and get to know the fella instead seeing him once a week with hi and byes.Typical me anyways.So altogether it was 3 guys and 3 gals.Went to eat.Or rather I ate alone where Whycliffe worked.Felt stupid.Then went to Mc D since the rest were hungry and saw them ate which made me feel more stupid.
Made me realise tonight how I've actually improve from last year.I was in a horrible state last year but know I could open up and could reply back.I didn't blank out or smiled blurly.I was me again just like 2-3 years ago.It's like when the turn of the new year I suddenly just change back to my Lorraine mode before coming back to Kuching.Aside from me ACTUALLY crying once in a while.I was ME.Last year I'll normally just smile or keep quiet but tonight I realised I'm better and it's just gonna be quite amazing this year.And I'm looking forward to it with a =)
Hopefully I'm right.Hopefully wat I picture is 95% true.I just can't wait......
Btw, Dr Kwok.... congratulations on the additional figure to your family. =) I saw the pic.She's adorable.... =D Cute.... heheh....

Wang Lee Hom

Chinese born American but now live in Taiwan.Studied in Berklee majoring in violin.Both brothers doctors(i think).
He was the reason why i got my foot back into music.
When I left for kl I didn't actually know what I wanted to do.I just wanted to leave Kuching and be free like the bird.Only on my 2nd Sem after meeting my music frens there did I realise that I actually wanna do music.There was when I knew that music was my life that without music,I'm nothing.
I got to know Lee Hom through Li Yien which was quite amazing how we actually met but that's another story.. =) I've actually heard about this Lee Hom guy.Most gals were crazy about him and he was a fresh star.But I didn't really bother.As usual I just roll my eyes and turn the other side.Anyways,I went over to Li's room at tat really not knowing wat to do.I think that time it was pass midnight.And we finish playing our violins(i think.Can't remember la gal... ;p) She showed me 1 of his biography video thingy.Though it was all in chinese,I was really amazed.By his performance,by the way he brought himself about,by how he played his music,by the whole thing.Esp when he was playing this solo part on the violin.It was really something.That was when I realised that music's gonna be my thing no matter what.That made me wanna go Berklee and learn to play music confidently in front of ppl by improvising my own tune.That made me have more dreams in music then I could have ever imagined.
Whenever I'm low to do music,i just take out his cd's and listen to them.It puts me back on track and makes me look ahead of time.Though his later cd's are sorta getting worse then his earlier cds.Oh well... at least I'm doing something that brings me back to life and calms my aching soul at times.
I'm glad I went to kl and met Li and the gang and joined music society and did the moral project.All leads to another which is what I am today though I've actually wasted 2-3 years.
=)
~music to the ears is the healing to the soul.... ~

SONS

only really had fun after practise.Mainly coz got to talk to my orchestra mates who also had practise at the same time with choir.But I didn't talk much with bos which was quite suprising.Maybe he's keeping his distance from me or maybe he thinks I'll act differently but I'm not pushing it =)
Talked to Zaid about the sea cucumber he's been asking me to try for almost a year now.Haven seen them for at least 2-3 months already.Was suprise to hear him say that I grew fatter... Ohhh no... that made me feel like cutting down my eating but then to think back I actually AM trying to gain weight,a little though.He says I look healthier now then last time... ;p Which maybe the effect of over doing myself the whole of last year.Other then that we just chatted.The other orchestra members just smiled at me.So much for friendliness.But that didn't bother me.I had a good laugh today.
Hoping and aiming for this year to be stress free.Gonna be the happy-go-lucky i was again... =)
And just by talking to Z,I just suddenly had a really huge feeling that I might actually enjoy this year's Chinese New Year and will not actually feel bored and irritated.Hope I'm right.....

Today!!!

Dreading.... It really was.
Sabbath school was as boring as ever considering they were discussing about male-male and female-female relationship AGAIN!!!! But the stories uncle Steven shared about his life were rather interesting =D
Lunch sucked bad time.I actually blew up coz of how noisy dad was with me.Actually it's like he's trying to test my patience.He was trying to make me burst out then later say... "I'm not getting you the laptop" I not only blew up but i was in tears.I juz can't stand too much pressure being put on me.I can't seem to stand it any more.I was such in a lousy mood tat afternoon that I left early for choir.
Now that was refreshing.I enjoy coaching the choir and listening to them.A whole new projection.Bos was not here again so I had to take over.We did good.Not bad at all. =) Made me realize how seriously these ppl actually took me for.I've actually gotten their respect.They know how well I mean things and know when I'm serious and wen I can actually fool around.Makes me smile actually... =) This is wat I ever wanted to gain.Ppl's respect for me.The choir actually started coming early and sang as commanded.And watever I say,they take me seriously though at times they can fool around as well....Ended up with a sore throat.But was feeling recharged.
Night time dad was bugging me again.I felt like tearing him from limb to limb.But i wudn't do that.esp in public.Yupz i finally got my laptop.Not really though.Juz waiting for the new stock to arrive.Oh wells....
Now I'm feeling so-so...I just hope my dad would stop it with the yacking.It's driving me crazy.I seem to be getting really frustrated rather easily.Wonder why.I seem to be really impatient too which is really bad.I might need a punching bag soon if this carries on....

Confidence

something which i lack.
Seeing ppl perform or give a speech or be in front of many ppl makes me envy.I could never stand up front with confidence.Even though my mind is calm,my body doesn't seem to follow.My legs start shaking,my voice tense and i start turning cold.
But i suppose in a way there are alot of improvement.Though afraid in the end there's a satisfaction which i love... =)
I've performed in public,done solos,sang solos,given speech many times,give introduction,interview ppl,given ppl my oppinion instead of shutting off.Ok,so maybe i still do keep quiet at times but I'm not as quiet or mute as i used to be.... =D
When I see how ppl perform in public,they are so calm and the enjoyment they have.They don't seem to worry one bit.I wish it were me up on stage singing my heart out.That's one of my dream.To be up front no matter what ppl may say about me or think about me.I'm just me and I'm doing what I dream of doing.Hopefully one day...
*sigh*
I'm still working on this problem with the help of you guys it will be easier.... =)

Natural Health Farm

... Jessie Chung's health centre....
Went there and actually bought their products or rather mum bought them for me.Cost alot of money too.Dunno if it'll work.It's like we should eat this and that and shouldn't eat this or that.If that is so then what's the point of having food in the 1st place?Ppl say they wanna live longer.For what?To suffer more?To see more terror in this world?It's just horribly confusing isn't it?Well i think it's confusingThe thought of living longer is like the thought of rather staying on earth longer then be in heaven soon.That's wat i think.
But unfortunately I can't enjoy the delicious and wonderful food out there i once enjoyed.My body can't take it.I'll either get sick,feel sick or another allergy reaction occurs.So what else is new?
*sigh*
Maybe abit of this and that after along while but here's no enjoyment.

p/s:- met his/her sisters.Conclusion=he/she looks prettier then the sisters.

thoughts

Hard to share.I'll end up writing a 20 page essay.There's just too many things.Some which i can't even put into words.Some just stupid and others either makes no sense or just plain nonsense.
Life is just as it is - complicated.And what makes it interesting is the ppl around.The frens you have and the things they do. =)

Missing?
Hmmm... Now that is just something.Yeah,i do miss ppl though i don't really like to admit it esp to ppl i think of.It's like when ur waiting for ppl to msg you or contact you or just have a little chat,it'll just NOT happen but on the other hand ppl you don't wanna hear from and being sick off just can't stop contacting and bothering.But this only happens most the time.
How would you know whether you miss someone even though you don't feel it.Here is what I got..... If you see a show and the actor reminds you of a person.If you walk around town and somehow something reminds you of the person.Hearing the name of a place reminds you of the person. *sigh*
It does happen to me.No doubt and i hate it.Oh wells.....

Update on my life.
I normally won't write it out but somehow my fingers do the talking while my mind runs.I haven been feeling well since the new year... -.-!! ya i know I always don't seem to be well but i feel worse then the 'normal'(not feeling well everyday).Been getting alot of migrains not forgetting my eyes seem to hurt alot.Maybe it's coz of too much driving or maybe it's just the month.It seems that every new year in January I'll definately get ill.Last year and the year before i was sick.The previous year I was on drip.So what else is new.
I'm also busy packing or rather my mind is the one doing the packing.I'm thinking about how life would be in Australia.At the same time i seem to feel hatred.Most of you will know the story about my cousin or rather cousins.But I won't go into details.

One thing's for sure.I miss my best friends.I miss my good frens.I miss my music gang.I miss my late doggies and i miss feeling happy without feeling horrible in between those happy moments.
*sigh*

~something is wrong with me but i have no idea what it is~

General hospital

Was there this morning after my clarinet lesson.
*sigh*
Malaysian system really sucks.They are really slow and not to mention their service not being good.
I went to the hospital to make an appointment for a minor surgery.Self-reminder:it's on 6th feb, 3pm
I had a surgery last year and it was bad.Their service and everything.That time my mum came with me.But I soon realise something.They'll treat you better if you dress in style and talk with accent. =) I can't help but have that everytime i talk to a stranger. ;p Anyways,that's what happen.I just realised this fact today.The last time i made an appointment,they didn't really bothered much and their face looked like they were gonna eat me up but just now they were really nice and chatty(the same person).And they got a specialist to do me this time which IS good.When the nurse saw me at the counter,she smiled at me straight away and served me straight away which was rather shocking.Yup,I dressed in style(tat's what my teacher said this morning).Rather funny can't to think of it but well that was really sumthing new... =) Something for me to smile about.
But the down part was i had to wait for them to get back to me for 30min.Sitting at those eeeky chairs seeing all the specialist walking around not looking busy at all,admiring the newly decorated area and just talking in their office.Such ppl.I was even suprised I've gotten a specialist coz they don't actually do this thing unless it's in a serious condition.My last sergury was done by a trainer if u remembered reading my entry on that.
Oh wells.At least I get to enjoy the new year food.Hopefully that is if my tooth is not giving me any prob.

Choir

Sabbath wasn't so bad when I went for choir.
Boss was not in Kuching so I had to take over.Elsie helped me with the guys and Ida helped me on the piano.7 bass,4 tenors,3 altos,4 sopranos(not including me).
For the 1st time since I left the choir i was proud of the youth.The last time the youth sang so beautifully was when I brought them to kl.The 1st time I came back from kl I thought the choir sucked(not badly yet though).I was complaining so much but no one listened.In the end I just shut my mouth for 3 years to find out last year end that it wasn't just me.That there were at least 10 ppl that thought the choir sucked badly since I left.
I was proud,happy and was really in a good mood after choir.The members had the spirit they once had.They enjoyed the whole session though they were late for practise as usual.They became stronger in sound and their production was superb though not perfect.Entering and ending at the same time holding necessary notes and stuff.It made my heart jump for joy that I've finally succeded in making a huge difference.My assistant were as glad as me coz we've finally reached our goal.This was one of the reasons why I wanted to do music education.I prefer teaching or rather coaching ppl in groups then individual.
Today was the one time I actually ment what I said 150%(i do mean wat i say all the time,mind you).But I really wanted them all to know it.I was proud of the whole choir.Hopefully once I leave they would have the same spirit I brought out from them.It was deffinately music to the ears.I went home really happy and relaxed(i can't find the words to discribe my feeling about it).
I'm now looking forward to our next choir practise.I can't wait to bring out the music in them.I can't wait to make music with this group of young ppl.I can't wait for them to perform and have their confidence again.I can't wait to proudly tell ppl that I did all that.That I made the change... =D

Fri 13th

No difference like any other day.The whole day was normal and quite busy.
I just hate the weekend.Why?Because then everyone's home.
As Sabbath came I started worrying.This happens all the time.Dad come's home scolding everyone for not keeping the house neat,tidy and the way he wants it to be for Sabbath.My brother's who have really big and noisy mouth would make things worse.Sister who gets angry easily tenses the situation and mum... ohh well,is just being her usual self.
*sigh*This happens all the time but tonight was too much for me.There was too much negative noises around me and i felt like screaming but knew that if i did then things would get worse.
Left the house and decided to calm my mind.Parents thought i went to church but went to river front alone.Walked around and sat near one of the crocodile statue between 2 couples.I looked at the black sky hoping to see the full moon but alas it was covered by clouds.I talked to God awhile(dunno why i did),made wishes and sang to myself.Looking at my handphone,i wondered who to contact at this time.I needed company and i needed to clear my mind but i didn't know who to contact.There were alot of weird guys trying to talk to me or trying to get my attention.I think one of them was really a mad man.That was really scary but i pretend i didn't worry at all.
*sigh*(i did that alot tonight)
At the same time there was a car exhibition with performance going on.The songs were rather familiar.Turned around and went to the stage to find one of my fren performing on his sax.It was really suprising.Waited for him and disturbed him.After his performance,I greeted him to find i was talking alot and he only said 2-3 sentance to me so decided to leave.
Went home smiling.It has been a long time since I've actually smiled so hard until my cheeks hurt a bit... =) Made me miss playing in the jazz orchestra.Made me miss my music frens.Make me miss those musical time.
Oh well,all i know is that I'll look at the future as one of the hardest obstacle for me to go through....

Mother-hood

A simple word yet amazing.I seem to be thinking alot about mother-hood.It's not like I wanna get married or have a baby yet but thinking about it makes me think of my future.... =)
Seeing small families really puts a smile on my face.Seeing their little baby makes me feel envious.The whole fact of watching your child grow and teaching them to live their life is not only a callenge but also a joy.Seeing their baby smile and laugh makes your heart flutter with happiness.
Will you be a good mother?
A question alot of ppl ask besides do you like children.My answer is yes and yes.I love children.When they go outta hand I normally close 1 eye coz they are who they are because of their parents.And considering how I brought up my little doggies I can roughly see how my children would turn out.
Ahem *cough* ahem
AAAnnnyways,back to the topic of mother-hood...
Even though my mum may not be the best mom in the world or I may not love her as much as a child should or the fact that I'm not close to my mother,they are special ppl.They are the one thing or rather the 1st thing in the world that gave their love to us.After all,they did gave birth to us didn't they?They gave us what we need.They gave us education and food on the table.They made sure we're ok,right?
Even though I wished i had a different set of parents and a different life,but I suppose I'm stuck with this life and I'm trying not to complain.
Oh wells,...I won't be missing mum or anyone of my family members once i leave though I wish I did.It's just not normal to go away not missing the ppl we should be missing.
But that may just be me...
*sigh*
{day dreams of the future}

Hurting tears,breaking heart

Went to the vet yesterday to give the pups shot.When we got into the room,I realised that the dr on duty was the doctor that killed my little Lovely.I felt angry and hurt all over again.Realising that I haven let go of the whole thing.It has already been 2 years since my little gal left and I wasn't there with her when she parted.Tears flowed down my cheek as i looked painfully at the dr.
"How could he?" "Why did he?" "What did i do to deserve this?"
Asuming and not checking fully.That's what he does.I felt like kicking his head.I felt like cutting off his hands(i know.it's violence.and i know it's wrong but i can't help it).
When he checked the pups and gave them their jap,i realised that he didn't really check properly and the needle still had bubbles in it.Isn't that not suppose to happen?Animals may be animals but they too have feelings and senses.They have a heart and mind like us.They are living things like us too.Dad as always didn't care and thinks the stupid dr was right and i(since have not qualified) am wrong.This totally sucks coz most the time I'm right about this things and ppl like my dad don't listen until it's too late.until it's totally fatal.
I left the clinic holding unto the 2 pups tightly with a heavy and hurting heart and tears flowing down my cheeks.How I wished I could have gone through veterinary science to treat these poor loving animals properly instead like those graduate who takes the profession just for money wise.But I suppose that'll never happen.
*sigh*

Can't seem to keep still

Been having that problem for ages.I just have to keep moving and keep myself busy.Most the time it's to avoid myself feeling sorry for myself or think too much about depressing things.But now it seems to become a habit.I can't do meditation and can't sit still.
Woke up this morning early with a migrain.Quite bad one but had to wake up.Worked this morning supervising again at Swinburne.But thank goodness i only had the morning session.Went home hungry and tired.Migrain still bothered me.Hadn't had it for a long time and now it's back.Changed,watch tv,ate lunch and slept.
Had a nightmare in the afternoon.Woke up straight away still having the migrain.I just hate nightmares coz I always feel like each dream means something.
Night time,
mum and cousin on a diet.Their diet looked really appetizing.Made me want to eat their food instead of the food on the table.Then ate durian realising that I'm actually allergic to it.Lips started getting itchy.Straight away i ate honey dew.If i didn't my lips will start swelling making me look like Angelina Jolie.The question is HOW CAN I BE ALLERGIC TO DURIAN?? I haven eaten the thing for more then 4-6years and now I'm allergic?
*sigh*
Now I'm just waiting for time to fly by.
Lyn and the other thailanders have gone bck to school,J is bck at kl.Randy's back or so says him and chun's around being driver i suppose... ;)

I got my theory music grade 7 results yesterday.Real happy.Mum said she saw my exam paper and kept saying I really did badly.But yesterday I got my certificate indicating that I've gotten a merit which is already considered very good to me.. =)
This is to prove to not only myself but my parents that I can do things without the help of others.I'm happy with my piano,singing,theory and performance i did last year.It's a satisfaction i like and crave for.

as days go by....

Things has gotten a little rotten.Parents as usual get ever so angry and normally or most the time let it all out on me.Waiting for ppl for hours and centuries considering I'm the driver.Got a sore in my mouth for practising clarinet.
But then again,it seems like I'm facing this year with more confident and positive then ever.My whole life is like a fairy tale.With knights and dragons,witches and gnomes,wars and victories.Most the time I'll lose the battle or come close to losing hope and just fading away.But then with magic around me i suppose I can survive.After all I AM a surviver... Magic as in the power of hope, faith, strength and wisdom.Some ppl may include LOVE in but for me the other 4 are more stronger then love itself.Sounds funny but that's wat i think.
Nothing is gonna pull me down to the ground or take my dream of me.Nothing's gonna tear my hopes and pride...
I maybe or seem like an easy target for alot of ppl out there but in fact I'm aware of my surroundings and know when to leave.
I seem to also realize how easily i get bored when someone talks alot.It didn't happen to me.I seem to be quiet too.It's like i know what to say but once i start my sentense,i totally forget what to say next.In addition the longer I talk,i'll start to mumble.Frens say it's coz at home I don't talk as much as i use too and ppl don't listen to me.I suppose in a way tat explains alot.But oh well... I opened my shell when i was in kl and last year started shutting it back.This year, I'm gonna re-open my shell again and hopefully I'll be as i was 2 years ago... =) --->> Happy-go-lucky!!

Happy New Year from kl

yup yup...
I'm in kl right now.It's my last night here.And ya I spend New Years here... =) So Happy New Year 2006....
So far nothing has gone wrong.So far I'm happy and have already spend nearly 1k on my shopping for the pass 2 days.... ;p bluek... which is bad but still there are alot of things i still wanna buy and it's still sales here... =D
I'm happy and smiley.My bronchitis not bothering me though my wrist still hurts quite abit even when sleeping and i hardly had any sleep.
Met up with Li today.Was with her since yesterday.Will be meeting Jo and WC tmr... Was hoping to meet the rest of the music gang but i know they are busy working their buds off... =) As for my fellow alevel frens.Have a feeling they will ffk or that the whole plan won't work out.Why waste time waiting for ppl to contact you and take you out when you can shop here?Though it would be great.Ya,i know being in kl 1 extra day just doesn't work out.Not enough time to meet all my frens.Don't have time to talk to every single one of them and most of them are back at their home town.
Was really sweet of Li to come all the way from Taiping just to meet up with me.Tmr she'll be going back.
Now I'm at my cousin's house crashing over night thinking about last year and the days to come.Hoping that my stars would finally change.That the sun will finally shine through the dark cloud.
Throughout 2006,I keep thinking about the ppl who greated me,who wished me new years and the ppl I spent with the night before new years.Those are truely awesome bunch of ppl... =D Heheh....
So what do i plans for 2006.Though i didn't wanna think about it,my mind keep telling me my plans,my goals,m aim for this year.So here they are.
1. No slacking
2. making study an everyday thing
3. help aunty karen and uncle seamus
4. no socializing unless really stressed out
5. practise is no1 basis
6. face fears
7. confident and bright
8. aim and just go for it/no dreaming
9. no thinking too much on nonsense/no nonsense
10. try to master the clarinet
11. improve violin playing
12. no negativity/be positive
13. switch to music education
14. be a book worm again
15. just be me and be proud of it...
=)
Normally typing it out makes me forget the other things on my mind.Oh wells... I'm happy now as it is and I definately know that things are just gonna turn around for once I'm definate....