Life on hold

I haven't blogged for awhile. Mainly because there is nothing positive to write.
I got an unexpected call from another Bastard of the world - JIMMY CHAI. I nearly asked him to F*** off but I had a student. Why can't he leave me alone? I clearly stated that I don't want to have anything to do with him after he lied and used my father. The worse thing was my own father didn't believe his flesh and blood but this Evil Being. I assume this bastard is still going to church. This proves that Bastards like these go to church to prey on the people in there.
This post is to tell the world I'm still here unfortunately and to apologize for my anger in this post.
To find my blog again is stalking and for the rest who judge me, you can just go to hell and worship your so-called God.

Where is the passion?

I haven't been writing songs since about middle of last year. I seem to be afraid to express myself through my own music anymore. For those of you that have followed my music, it's just too personal. I feel like I'm more comfortable singing and playing other people's music. Even when I have music playing in my mind, I just let the music continue playing or sometimes recording my ideas down but never writing them anymore. Afraid to I guess.
I'm listening to my songs and have tried to play back one of them. Such passion, such fire, such desire to fight for life and express my inner emotions and thought the way I've always been good at - through music.

Music me?

Been through alot which not everyone knows. I haven't written any music since September last year. And now I'm just scared to write music. I seem to fear music and fear writing or playing it. I love music and it DOES calm me down but somehow I fear it so much I seem to cut myself off music at any angle. I'm not in my Russian Orchestra anymore, I've stopped 2 of my choirs, haven't played piano in church and haven't practice much either.
Even being in a rock band, I was suppose to be writing songs to play with the band (not my songs though). But I just can't find the heart to write anymore.
Was listening to P!nk music and I must say alot of ppl judge her incorrectly. I've always thought she was a sick ass punk but looking at her video and lyrics, she's singing her thoughts out in a nice way trying to encourage ppl to better themselves.

Death

Why can't I die?
I've tried. I actually do try ending my life but constantly my body tends to recover or protect itself from death. Overdose...... Overdose......
I even came back from death many times. Why can't I just stay dead?
Couldn't I just stay dead when I was born? Or drowned in the pool when I was a kid or just stopped breathing many times as a teenager. Why do I recover from bad fevers and other stuff? Why does my body keep pushing on?
I don't know what to do or where to go. All I know is that I'm feeling all alone. There's nothing special about me for ppl to think of. I don't have a family that is proud of me. I don't have my own family. I don't have my doggies here with me. I don't have anyone who misses me constantly. I don't have trusting reliable friends around me. I feel like I don't.
I know God answers prayers coz I remember clearly that as a child, if I prayed hard enough, he answers them. Why can't he answer this 1 prayer? I want to die. I'm ALWAYS near death but not dead and I want to die. Badly.....

Depression

Hi to those who are reading my blog. I feel like I have to vent out. After all which has happened, I'm not sure who I wanna go and talk to or disturb. If I choose anyone to talk to, I feel like I'm a burden.
I know many ppl who've read this would either agree with me or think I'm Satan. I think christians are fake people. Human in general are sadist people but christians in particular are the biggest liars. I've been used by so many people, cheated, hurt by all these people and left to suffer the pain.
There are many things I don't wanna tell the world and there are many secrets I don't wanna share. All I can say here is that I wish you people would stop with the fake compliments and practice what you preach physically and mentally.
I use to be able to defend myself and fight my own battles. But now I don't have the strength to carry on. I cry so often. I don't play music from my heart and soul anymore since Nov 2010. I don't listen to my ipod anymore. And most of all I constantly pray that I'd stop breathing.
I have been finding it hard to breathe these days. And I know it's from stress. My mind and my heart constantly argue with each other and I can see myself falling apart when I am alone for long. I know I should pick myself up, think positively and keep moving on but I can't seem to pull myself back together like I use to. I see 1 Lorraine screaming at another Lorraine to get up from all the falls she's had but I just can't move. As I have said many times, my heart is constantly having battle with my mind(logic).
When I'm free and at home, I hardly leave my room. It feels like the safest place besides being with someone I trust. I haven't gone out shopping or gone out to watch a movie. I haven't gone venturing out to some new place or met new people as I've always enjoyed doing. I haven't taken a random trip out of NSW which I love doing. And this is all since Nov 2010. Everything changed and my perspective of myself has to.
I feel like I'm making things up even though I'm not. I feel like everything's a lie and that I'm going crazy. I feel like wanting to end it all.......
If only it were that simple......
My heart can't take it any longer.....

life under microscope

I'm not famous yet and I already know how it feels to have your life under a microscope. Being born in a chinese family, no matter where you are, family will be nosy and expect you to tell them every detail when sometimes you want life to be more interesting and special instead of broadcasting it to the world.
I'm STILL living with my aunt which makes things worse. She's fine with me going out and drinking and shit but things like having to tell her where I am and who I'm dating or going out with gives me the shits. Not like I know where I'm going or what I'm going to do next. Even when I tell her, she doesn't remember and then ask me again. I know I should let her know since I live in her house but sometimes she doesn't come home and it's not like I ask or anything. Sometimes I do spontaneous or last minute things.
This is the time when I just feel like talking to someone but have no one to talk to. I also know now that 1 out of the million will be reading this post since my constant change of blog add and that stalker 'cousin' of mine. Nobody can be excited enough for us or happy enough or understand enough for us.
Sometimes I feel like disappearing from the world to avoid these problem. Just start over, have a family of my own which is filled with love and just living life with the assurance that nothing else matters but my loving family and my music.

4 months as a working woman

It's been awhile and I'm getting my life back together and sort of on track.
Been working, wrote heaps of arrangement, met new ppl, lived life. But it doesn't seem to be enough. I feel like as if there is more things I have to do to actually live that life.
I'm happy with more than half the decisions I've made coz it's made me live more. It's made me know myself better. It's made me feel things I've always wanted to feel. It's made me live.
Although I may feel hurt and have my heart broken over and over again I guess it's a journey of life I have to learn.
I'm not doing music as much as I would love to now. Am a school music teacher. Although I don't enjoy it, it'll have to do for now. I'd love to eventually write more music, arrange more music and sing more. It'll happen.... Soon.... I'm so excited for the future. Even though I know it'll be a rough road, you gotta keep picking yourself up and push hard....