Roller coaster ride

That's how my life has been. A major drastic ride if you ask me. I could be really happy and cheery and the next moment I feel so terrible that I'm really to give up my life.
I'm always hoping and wishing for something, yet fearing and worrying about other things. I think to much and I'm been hurt far too many times. There are so many times I seem to find myself easily losing my mind. It seems to get worse. The more arguements I get, the more negativeness I'm around, the more I tend to lose my mind. I can't seem to control myself. Thank goodness I don't end up attacking anyone or hurting anyone or maybe running around like a mad person. But I could definately feel it coming. And that scares me alot.
Have a few wonderful friends here. Being around me, calling me up to make sure I'm doing ok and trying to make me feel better. It makes life easier for me in that sense. It makes me feel pleasent and happy (= love that feeling.
Problem?
-->> Health. It's going down real bad again. Coughing like shit and I seem to be getting my chest pains again. I don't think anyone knows about the chest pains but sometimes I'd rather not let them know about it although I would just like to take it off my chest.
-->> Thinking about a few ppl. As always. Thinking if I've done the right thing in life. And definately trying to figure myself out. I can't even make decisions these days.

Will be singing in public again once I reach home. And this time it's not a church group. It will actually be around ppl I don't know. Scary but I hope I don't die on stage in shock. I hate it when that happens coz it makes me feel like I do better during rehearsals then the real thing which is shit coz then publicity is bad for me... lol... ;p
Fingers crossed for that one.

Piano duet

Basement again... SIMON TEDESCHI & KEVIN HUNT

It was totally AWESOME....
The combination of classical and jazz. It was brilliant. I can still see their fingers moving on the piano keys and it was like person and piano were one. That made me continue to dream about going to Berklee in Boston. That was the kinda way I wanted to play the piano. The kind of way I wanted to approach the piano. The kinda way I wanted to express myself on the piano.
Made me wonder what I am going to do in Berklee. I could do vocal, or production or composition(then again maybe not composition). I was so inspired to work even harder on the piano. Although my friends think I work too hard on it for a minor student. I wanna reach a state of greatness(ok, maybe not as good as the performance major ppl) but good enough to play a few times without errors and without much effor or pain.
*sigh*
Talk about pianos...
Have been teaching my cousin piano for 2 weeks. Surprisingly I don't find it as torturing as teaching my mum's student. Maybe it coz she actually wants to learn. The money is not bad too... ;) I think I'll definately teach next year. At least a few hours a week. That would take my mind off things. The satisfying feeling. I'll be super busy next year. But what the heck.
Hopefully I can transfer into music education next year. Results came out. Not to bad although I'm not too happy with it. There ARE improvement from last sem but was hoping for a better result. I suppose we can never be satisfied. Or maybe that's just me.....

Tears

I thought I'd be relaxed and happy once exam is over. I guess I'm wrong. Bad luck seems to be following me around. Results not very satisfying althought there were improvement. Can't stand it when you work harder then the other students and they end up passing or getting high marks from extensions or copying or playing easier pieces.
Home doesn't seem to be a nice place to be. Uncle has been angry at me for more then a week. He's not talking to me and he's swearing about me and at me. I'm currently living in fear. At times I feel like crying coz I can't take feeling scared. I don't even know what I did. I came home one night after a friends bday party to find the tv volume full blast and my uncle in the living room. I said "hi" but he didn't look up so i figured he's in a bad mood. And aunty hasn't been home most the time. So I went straight to my room. But I had to go to the bathroom and take the shower. When taking a shower, he was swearing at me. And that's the start of the whole situation.
Thank goodness my other uncle ask me to come over twice a week to teach my cousin piano for her exam. And that keeps me off things. Makes me happy coz I'm working with music and it keeps me alive. I can't practise so am in kinda in a depression.
Been keeping myself ocuppied by writing music for mum(she doesn't know I wrote the parts for the songs), making presents for friends, sorting out my room and watching movie. Done most of it so am kinda in a bad position now.
Only music and animals seem to make me feel better. Friends? I dunno. Haven been going out. Stuck again. I can never be happy can't I? Hmmmm......