let the fingers play the music

Wasn't suppose to be playing piano in church today but the organist sorta hurt his toe by kicking a chair so had to play. During offering, I was going to play 1 of the hymns with an intro which i had to make up on the spot. But with the intro, I ended up playing my own tune instead of playing the hymn. My fingers had it's own life and kept on playing. My mind disappeared into it's own world expressing my feelings through the piano. I forgot there were people in the church and just kept playing until the ushers were done with their offering bags. Thought the music was depressing. I think it's more of the deeper part of my soul then depression. It's music without words. Anyways, right before the sermon, one of the members came over to ask me what song i was playing. He said it was really nice. At 1st i thought he was talking about "Jesus loves the little children" which i played for children's story but then i realize the only other song was the one during offering. I said, I made it up on the spot. He was like "wow, you should play it again. It's really nice". The only problem is once i play my music, I forget how i played it. That's why I bring a music recorder with me everywhere I go. When I have music ideas at any time, I just record myself for future use. Haven't been composing for ages. Lost my composition book too. *sigh*
This is the 2nd-4th time since someone commented about my piano playing since kl. I surprise myself sometimes but i suppose it's a part of breaking free from silence into the world of opportunity and life... =)

baby funeral

Last week a church member from Ashfield brought her newly borned son to church. He was so adorable and had heaps of hair. But somehow i felt like something was wrong and I was surprised they were even out of hospital. It has only been 2 weeks since he was born. But I thought it maybe just me - nothings perfect....
But only this wednesday did i receive the news that he past away. Due to liver failure. It got me speechless. And the funeral was today. He's only been alive for 16 days. I decided to go and pay my respect. After all, some of the church members were sweet enough to come over to my uncle's funeral.
In church, it felt weird with all the sad faces. Usually Ashfield was full of smiles and love. There was still love but everyone's mind wasn't there. Being there, I immediately knew how it felt. How? I don't know. I find myself in a split second in the mother's shoes. I felt my heart torn apart after being at labor and recovering from that episode (she gave birth at home. ambulance didn't reach her in time). What joy they had of a new born child in their family. The excitement.. the future plans they had. Now all swept away in a blink of an eye.
We went to the same cemetery where my uncle was buried. And were we ever so lost. This cemetery is the 1 of the biggest cemeteries in the world. Throughout the whole service, somehow I felt myself in such pain, tears just kept flowing. I can't handle funerals and death. Such love of these people really touches my heart at the same time feels wounded envying the love they have with each other. When they brought the casket in, I felt weak on my feet and nearly blanked out. Can't describe it.
I hate funerals. Everyone's so sad, hurt and in tears. Makes me wish that it was me there instead of them. They would be able to make a difference in the world. They have more things to see and smile upon. *sigh* But I'm glad I went. Being apart of the family of God, it makes me connected to God again. It feels like I found the 1st step up to God. Last week I found the ladder and this week I found courage to climb the 1st step.

plagiarism

Caught plagiarizing. The only problem is I didn't do it. Friend copied off mine and I didn't even know about it. Everyone else had their papers bck except me so i went to see the teacher. She said, I was one of those who plagiarized. I was so shocked i nearly fainted. I didn't breathe a few seconds and just stood there. I didn't know what happened. Didn't know who did it. And didn't know think it was ever possible.
Tried talking to the teacher and head of department but they refuse to do anything besides taking 50% off my marks which hurt a lot. It took me ages to finish that assignment. She said I did well... yea like if i didn't have 50% taken off it. They said even though they know I'm innocent, their decision still stands firm.
I didn't believe it so went bck to take a look at the paper and to my shock, it was exactly the same. Even the mistakes that I've done was the same. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how else to react. Could feel myself trembling and felt eyes starting to water and lips start to quiver. I just wanted to get out of there so i thanked the teacher and left without looking back.
Another one of my strong subjects down the drain. All my hard work in trying to score- gone. And I have been going after the uni every semester about my marks. I just gave up that day. Didn't feel like doing anything. No point working so hard to achieve a goal and yet everything seems to go down the drain in the end.
Did something really stupid that night and have been thinking of doing it again everyday i wake up. I felt like my world crumbling down. What i believe in and what I hoped for. It's like i'm the most hated or wanted student in the uni. Feel like I'm the only student in uni fighting for my right and complaining heaps. 1st my journals got lost. Then jazz piano the teacher pulled down our marks thinking we didn't hand in our assessment task and now this.
If only i had better luck in life....
*sigh*