jazz society

Got a free entrance to The Basement. Pretty cool i must admit. The 5th house performed tonight. Their music is so soothing and relaxing. Glad I went even though I was feeling frustrated enough and tired out. Made me look further into my musical life. Encouraged me to continue working hard to reach my goal. Made me see myself more as a singer then pianist. This kinda surrounding is my kinda liking. Love the atmosphere. Good for dates.. (=
hmmm...

Had good bargains for music books as well. Had tons of free music books from uni yesterday and tonight got good price from Allans music store. (=
Tonight made me wanna start a choir again. Then again after talking about it i feel like just dropping the whole idea. Who is commited enough to join. Or rather let me say I'm not worthy enough to lead out in a christian society in song and celebration.

Which comes to the subject : ME!!!
since my 21st, I somehow turn bitchy. Words coming out of me doesn't seem as sincere as before. My patience has run dry. Me being kind? Errr.... Doesn't seem to be as so anymore. I don't mean what I say at times. Seek more attention. I easily get angry. I'm more vain. I don't seem to hide my frustration or hurt anymore. My feelings starting to over-run me. And worse of all God doesn't seem real to me anymore even though after my 21st I've been talking more to him then i ever did this year.
Good side? I'm more confident, upfront, more defensive if really necessary, singing more which makes me out spoken and bitchy, don't keep in feelings or anger(which is a good thing i think), don't look back, have good friends... (=
hmmm.... Then again I don't really enjoy seeing the new me everyday. It's scary in a way and I'm feeling proud of myself as well for where I stand at the moment.
I suppose time tells the story of life which makes the world more interesting....
(=

*sigh*

Trying to be positive is hard. Trying to think positive is even harder.
Depression, pressure, frustration, sadness, anger... it all comes in a package.
So does joy, happiness, greatfulness, love and enthusiasm.

Today is my 6th baptism birthday and only one little birdy remembered-->> Chai Har. Out of all the ppl in the world (= (i'm saying it in the good kinda way). Which made me realize who my true friends are. No matter how hard I try to keep the friendship or relationship, it just doesn't work out if the other party doesn't bother putting in the effort. I've given up trying to maintain the close possible friendship. Friends, brothers and sisters don't bother contact me which is sad. I hate being the one going after a person. You say you miss someone yet you don't bother keeping in touch. Whatever reasons you may have I don't really wanna hear it. Or do i?

I get all sad again after talking to my family. End up crying most the time. Feeling useless and uncapable of taking care of myself. Feeling like I can't do things myself and am just some retarded child outside the world. I've tried all my life to be a good daughter which doesn't seem to be enough. I've given up trying. I really have. Everything is my fault. It is never the world's fault.
I've always dreamt of another family. A perfect yet not so perfect family. A happy family. I wouldn't care if money was short or there were no luxary. Happiness and love is all i've always wanted but I suppose that'll never happen for me.
But then again i think to myself, "I gotta be positive again. I gotta be strong for my friends sake, for my po-po(grandma)'s sake, for my sake." So I look up in the sky and *sigh* looking forward to the future and taking life as it is. I may not be perfect but I know I do make a difference in the world with all the suffering, pain and hurt I've gone through my entire life. I share my understanding and experiences with ppl and hold my chin up high with confidence.........

My 1st 21st gathering after a stressful day. The cake is mango cheese cake which was dddeeelicious.... (= ~With Danni, James, Kelly and Leisha. Person missing=Rachel(taking the picture) and Alton(went back already, i think).... 

21st (=

Was the best.
Had a surprise birthday party tonight by the youth from 3am church. Love them so much now.....
I did smell something fishy the whole time but didn't expect anything else. Everyone(most of them) knew about the whole thing and planned it all. When me, aunty K and Jus went over to Van's place for a supposed-ly family dinner, it was all dark around and when I got in suddenly the lights came on with guitarist singing birthday song to me and almost everybody came out singing. I was in awe. I was shocked to bits. I was speechless. I was so touched I couldn't speak at all. If they would have tried to make me talk I would have cried right there. I could feel my eyes turning hot and felt like I could cry any minute. It was the best....
Everything seems great. I was happy. Right until the cake cutting part when nobody actually came for the cake cutting except my relatives and a few nice youths like andy and fabian. To makes things worse not many ppl ate the cake. And to make it even worse, I felt like after surprising me most of them didn't quite bother. Not to mention there were a few ppl whom i didn't know who didn't say a word to me or smile at me at all. Even Dave's sister whom I've been trying to be friendly to nvr smiled or spoke to me from the 1st time i met her before tonight. Felt like slapping them but i just ended up outside with a bunch of guys who were singing and i ended up staying there coz even though it was cold out there, I felt the warmed. Singing and the music put me at ease.
I still can't believe they planned it for quite some time. It's the best birthday I've ever had. Although I would have prefered the one with my music gang considered everybody came coz they wanted to come.
And i was wondering why I felt so uneasy the whole day. This was what was happening behind my back. But I love them for the effort they all put into the whole thing. I love them for their willingness to make what happened a sweet memory to remember....
And I'm happy once more....
I hope and think....

17 August

Was suppose to be a quiet day for me. Planned on going archery or ice skating yesterday but i suppose i couldn't really do that especially when thursdays are my busiest day of the week. Had friends remembering my birthday was making such a big deal out of it. Most my friends knew and remembered my bday and they were all really sweet. I also found out that there were alot of august babies which is kinda exciting...
But then again yesterday was great. Went out with a bunch of guys and girls. Everything seemed last minute and there were certain things I wasn't suppose to know or suspect but then again I just acted like I didn't know. Chatted with the left over survivals until quite late.
But overall it was great. A sense of freedom and a sense of awareness of life.
Had a few msg and calls from ppl i didn't expect to hear from and didn't hear from the ppl i expected to hear from....
ANYWAYS.... all is well.... another week and I'm still busy with preperation for music history, piano pedagogy, orchestra, singing and piano.

2nd concert practise

was shit.... It was terrible. I was 1st playing for a 3rd year student before the performance and it was alright although still not good. But the moment i stepped out there and played, everything went wrong. I was memorising the piece and most of my friends came early to see me play although I didn't want them to come. I nearly stopped and i kept playing the wrong notes but i kept telling myself to go on and not stop. And with that, it passed me. The grading was shit though. When I came out surprisingly i had good comments. Even by reading the students comments, it wasn't as bad as i thought i was. But what was bad WAS bad... ermmm... as in the examiner gave me quite a bad grading compared to my last semester's piece which was much more difficult then this piece.
I suppose my clarinet teacher is right, I pay better with harder pieces but easy pieces are just difficult for me....
Hmmm.....
Had no mood to write in lately. Everything going wrong but i suppose i should stop complaining and just walk forward with my head up high and a confident attitude....
Hmmm....
Another day to get through. Can't wait to graduate.

Getting off the wrong side of the plane

Everything hasn't gone right since I got off the plane on the 18th of July. It was bad luck all the way. I can list it all down. starting...

1. new ipod stolen
2. aunt forgot to fetch me from airport and had no lose change or credit to call
3. results for some of my subjects were disappointing
4. bored the 1st week before uni started
5. lost lip balm
6. missed a class cause didn't know it started on the day i arrived sydney
7. felt out of place in a few classes and felt invinsible
8. missing ppl and feeling crap about it
9. no cash at all for nearly 3 weeks
10. headache and stress from one of the youth churches
11. transfer to B.Mus education was unsuccessful(due to incomplete interview)
12. didn't get certain lecturers for certain subjects
13. been waking up with bad headaches for over a week
14. joints hurting again
15. not getting practise rooms in the middle of the day to practise
16. being ignored in uni
17. singing lessons getting bad(although teacher says I'm good or am one of his best students)
18. lunch spill in bag hence library cds wet---->> have to pay AU60+ to replace them
19. game i bought from kuching doesn't work on laptop(i have no idea why. it's suppose to be an offline game)
20. received essay on music history and that was crap(although I'm still surprise with the overall results)
21. mp3 spoil

and

22. just have a letter from uni saying i haven paid fully for 2nd sem and they charging me for late payment

It gets worse all the time. And to think coming here would be good. Look at all the things i have to go through and settle. Not like I have any comfort from anywhere or anyone. Damn it.
I can't even get a practise room during the day. I have to wake up every morning at around 5 to get a room and practise before 8am.
And that's how i go through everyday. Practising my head off to get my mind of these pissing of situation. With that, i find my speech is getting from bad to worse. Can't seem to speak fluently and properly these days. Down too much in my practise that words don't seem to match or make sense at times.
Even though my piano lessons are getting better it's mixing around talking and being notice which are getting harder for me.
Damn.... I hope it will all get better soon.
There's too much bad karma around. I need more good karma....

~damn that musicalbird~

It's been a week since I've been having this horrible headache. I thought it was because I needed more rest or that I'm stressing out. I don't think I'm stressing and I've had my rest. Especially during the weekend. Took the drugs but still my head hurts like crazy.
Musicalbird? (=
That used to be my msn nic more then 7 years ago. Going to singing lessons every week made me realize how much music is to me. Singing is part of me and it's turning me into the confident person i wanna be. It's made me realize that is who i am. I am filled and happy after singing. The satisfying feeling - the more i feel like projecting my voice and be not so scared of hearing my own voice.
This is why I wanna do theatre so much. It brings me to a different world. It calms my mind although my heart beats furiously.
I'm turning into a music freak. That's what I am. Dependent too much on feelings and the heart. It seems to be that way. Is it better? I don't know. I'm not sure about anything anymore. I never use to be like this. I use to know what to do and used to be able to predict the outcome and the future quite clearly.
Now I'm just even more scared and my stupid feelings are creeping out from being hidden.
However musical the bird is, there is no winning side to everything... (=

over worked

I've been so stressed the past few weeks i decided to do the one thing I'm not suppose to do : over work....
I'm been practising like crazy with makes me totally exhausted. Wrist starting to hurt again from not taking breaks. Not to mention the frustration of not playing as well my practise sessions during piano lesson. Tutorial works are rushed and haven been reading my music history.
Not only that but we have 4 hours of practical stage craft, while everybody else has only 1 or 2 hours for a particular subject.
Concert practise is this month and my assignment topic is all due this month.
Still no cash in my bank account here. Mum says exchange rate to high to put money in.
Phone stays silent most the time. smokey house makes my nose block.
Not thinking much now. Don't wanna think further. Too depressing, frustrating, hurting and anything negative.
All I have to say is don't give me words. Prove it.....

I'm hoping singing lessons this friday would be better then last week. Today I found out I'm allergic to bread(i think it's coz of the egg in it). I start having a little sore throat after eating bread which totally sucks before singing.
Can't wait to finish of this semester and see what the world has installed for me. It's the adventure I want not the prank calls....

Another day, headache gets worse and body aches more....