**Day6**
Thursday...Not tat bad i must say.I was the pianist.It was ok but i sumtimes got carried away... ;p my mind wonders off wen playing piano.Tats the only time i can play well.It's wen my mind wonders off... lol.. Anyhow..The song service was ok. All except tat the chorusters keep saying.The next song.... then the next... And they hardly spoke... only sang... Hmmm... need to brush up on tat... Sermon was sok.. Teh speaker was nervous i could tell and he mis-pronounced a couple of words.Well, i totally understand tat.... So everall it wasn't so bad.


**Day7**
Friday... Last day and closing...I was song leading and most of the time i seem to be speaking.My partner hardly spoke but as leader u hav to make sure everything moves smoothly and fluent and as for being the last day i wanted to end the whole week with a blast.We had 62 visitors tat night.Mostly teenagers frm Upper Columbia.They look young n sum of them leng-cai... heheh.. to bad i cudn't really get to knoe them or really talk to them... lol... Speaker was ok.Quiet boring i must say but i suppose she was nervous.Now the sermon part i'll also hav to work it out wif the youth. Everything went smoothly.We had a action song for starters and i had ppl listening to me and actually involving themselves. Suprisingly i got some feedback tat they actually kinda enjoyed the song service.So tat gave me a little credit through the week.Even my youhgest brother said he liked the songs and the whole song service... If a little boy would like these things,there shouldn't be any excuse for the older ppl to not enjoy it rite??? =)
After vesper, I decided to talk to those visitors just to welcome them and stuff.. Me, Elsie and lyn went over.I was expecting those 2 to seperate and start talking.. Next thing u kno i realise tat they were beside me after talking to 1 of the guys for a couple of minute.I suppose i understand how those 2 feel coz i was like tat years ago... Wished i could talk to those guys(they were the only ppl hanging around,the gals all went back odi) but everyone keep wanting to speak to me and we had practise n i had to talk to sum of the youth about sumthing.Oh well,.... it's over. wats ment to be is ment to be... heheh... =) Those 62 ppl would be leaving tmr at around noon so it's bye bye!!!


**Youth Festival Of Praise**
Sabbath.Kinda boring i must say the whole event.I woke up 5am to cook for lunch.I can't seem to adapt to outside food tat well...Allergy.And i hate it.I'm missing all the food in the world...*sniff* Anyways,I did a wake up call to Silas at 6am and we left at 7am.Reach the place around 8am...And it was raining... haha... but only until the middle of the morning la.to tell the truth,I was actually kinda bored and lonely.The song service was ok but definately can be improved sorry to say.Maybe i wished i could be up front...haha... =D Most of the time i have tis kinda feelings which makes me day dream alot.Wen tis happens i'm actually not aware of my surroundings and sumtimes ppl think i'm either sad(which sumtimes i am) or just in a bad mood(which i'm not).Duno wat to do about tat problem.
Anyways,i went back early considerin i don't really hav anyone to hang around with and stuff.So there.... Tats the day.I cudn't really understand the service considerin they mix it wif bahasa iban n sum other native language.(I've no idea how u differentiate between all the native language);p
Felt kinda guilty in fact went i reached home.But wat the heck.

Youth Week of Prayer

**Day1**
Saturday... simple as it was... the sermon was short n kinda not natural... sorry to say... But kinda good coz the speaker din actually looked at his notes most of the time... =D
it was kinda or rather very hard to get ppl to do prayers.But everything went by the flow...


**Day2**
Sunday... horrible or rather very horrible..I was the pianist.Tried to get the chorusters n guitarist to practise.Only got them to get songs.We hardly practised.N everyone only turned up at 730pm so we din hav time to practise.I think sunday was or is the worst... Not only did tat go wrong.We didn't go together... chorusters din know wat do n guitarist weren't sure... Now this is y i put out the point of going thru but no1 actually listens do they.... Even the speaker tat nite was horrible.Sad to say...She was practically reading the whole script,which was wat was not suppose to be done.My ushers din turn up or rather they did but late n they din bother about their job.Everything was bad.Made me look like i was or m a bad pianist n leader...


**Day3**
Monday...Not bad..song service sucked....the pianist n both chorusters weren't tat inspiring...Speaker had n a way of speaking.Wat i've heard is tat he didn't sound natural.To me,he spoke too fast.I cudn't quite get wat he was saying.But at least better then the day before.ushers nvr turn up.


**Day4**
Tuesday..Can consider tis day ok... song service was the best so far....mayb coz of the combination of good pianist n chorusters at the same time.SOme how there was a going n cud feel sorta alive.Thankgoodness for tat...The only prob is the song leaders seem to use.."n our next song is"... all the time. Sermon was ok but no expression...ushers, WAT ushers???


**Day5**
Wednesday,which is today.Quite scary considerin i was the speaker...Song service,..errr.... about the same s sunday.At least a little better.it's always.."our next song is...". So wat else is new there... We did tell them not to use tat phrase but the messege never seem to panetrate their brains. Sermon, well i can't say much.. ask those who actually listen n participated... It was really scary.1st i got everyone to interact among themselves,then i spoke then interacted wif them... Kinda brings a smile on me seeing a few of the youth tat hardly listens to sermon actually listening n answerin back to my sermon and question.But the sad part is tat there was a no of youth tat didn't bother n just talked behind...Felt like kicking them at that time... The older youths never showed up to support.Kinda painful how tat was to be.Don really know how it actually was.A few ppl said it sounded natural n it was super or great or better then my dads,...mayb they're just saying it for the sake of saying it...I'll never know... A few ppl recorded it.Pastor said he'll be playing it in the festival of Praise tis sabbath...Now tats lilke super scary... I'm glad tonites sermon was good.I must admit tat it was the best so far....heheh...I'm not boasting or anything but to me it is true... heheh.. I did have a few of my frens cum but after awhile they left.But glad they actually came.The effort of coming is 1 thing....I prepared tis sermon only today or rather got to know it.I only read it thru over and over again.I did everything rite on the spot.Freaky rite??!! =) I'm a person tat 1s things to be natural and on the same time barable.I did learn all these speakings n courage frm City Harvest Church Kl... They're pastor is a super young preacher.Tats where i learned all my speaking.By observing.I speak the way i wud want to hear a sermon.Nothing out of the ordinary,nothing impossible,nothing uncapable off doing....
Now i just wonder how the following days wud b...
we shall just wait and see.... =D

Me and me alone.......

Yes... me... A word everyone uses everyday...
NOw I am a person tat can't take too much negativity... I used to be able to but my body or my mind just can't seem to take in any more.... I NEED ENCOURAGEMENT... I NEED POSITIVE THINGS!!! *sigh*
I've been going through alot of pain in the butts for tis pass month.. Wish it never happened...
At times wen i'm all recharged and happy and all so positive and ready to start a day with hope and praises, i end up falling down to the depts of the ocean.The most i can ever be happy is 30min a day.Sometimes none at all.. The moment i have dreams on improving things and getting my head up,a meteor would struck on me.
Sometimes i just wish i could just *toot* and ya tat word is DIE!!! I've always wish someone else could live rather then me.. They r ever so happy and die happy but i'm alive n i suffer...It hurts so much knowing tat i'd suffer day by day....
In moment like this i feel just awfully lost and alone.I wanna leave tis place of tragic.Sometimes i wanna scream but i can't,sometimes i wanna run-away but i can't,sometimes i juz wish i was gone but tat can't happen just yet... :)
So i suppose i'll juz wait n suffer some more till wenever...
I juz wish something very drastic would happen to me.Such as a heavy accident or wat-so-ever... I know i sound like a little kid.But tats how i feel right now...
I've been hiding my true feelings and background all my life now ijuz can't hold much longer....!!!

A moment like this

What it i told you it was all ment to be;
would u believe me, would you agree..
it's almost tat feelin' we've met before,
so tell me tat you don't think i'm crazy
when i tell you love has come here and now

A moment like this,
Some people wait a lifetime
for a moment like this
some people search forever
for that 1 special kiss
oh,i can't believe it's happening to me
Some people search for a lifetime
for a moment like this

everythings changes but beauty remains
some things so tender i can't explain
well i maybe dreamin' but until i awake
can we make this dream last forever
and i'll try to show the love we share

Could this be the greatest love of all
i wanna know that you will catch me aen i fall
so let me tell you this
some people wait a lifetime
for a moment like this

song by Kelly Clarkson

Worst of the worst....

I wish I'm dead... Ok ok... I've always wished tat..But the more i do,the more i seem to live... I know i sound insane but tat's wat it is... Tis sudn't b here.. Or rather sudn't have been read... But i just need to release steam...
As weeks and days passes by......
Wen can i actually survive such blistfull pain n suffering..
There were just time wen death seemed to be the only solution,
or rather runaways....
how long more can i stand such misery....
hurtfulness n emptiness;
anger n loneliness,
feelings i've been havin all these while...

how long more can i hold,
in this horrid place;
horrid surrounding:
senseless place.
wen all i want is love,joy,peace n happiness.
All i ever wanted;
a place to be known as me...
nothing else but just me.

No more fakers,
no more horrid things;
caring faces, adoring atmosphere.
Something i've wished for years...
all my life in fact...
wishing an angel wud grand such wish
n delete those curses....

I just can't wait to leave again... And tis time i don't really intend to return to stay if ppl were to ask... There is just nothing here.... Nothing happy to look forward too... Another world they say.... yes,another world indeed....

Negativity...

So basically I've been living in a world full of negative charge all around me.I've gone to the level where i'm resignin as youth leader.This is so not becoz the jobs too hard or stress.. I seem to think of the job as a piece of cake and challenging. But the fact tat I've been getting tons of negative feedbacks mainly frm audults. I haven heard anyone saying how i'm doing and stuff and tat really pulls me down.1st things 1st is tat my parents hav been against me doing huge stuff and so r most of my relatives and sum other audults of the church.How can u continue or even motivate the youth wen everyone is like so against u. I don't even knoe wat is rite or wrong,real or fake,true or false,sincere onot or anything... I've lost my ability of judging correctly.I've lost faith in myself, ppl around me and GOD... I've lost hope in everything and i've lost myself.Don really knoe wat to do.... I'm still sticking to dying as the solution but m too afraid of attempting it so there!!!
*sigh* I've just been horrible lately.
And to make things worse was today.Woke up tis morning wif panda eyes again.And it was my worst clarinet lesson ever.I cudn't play well n it seems s if i'm a horrible player.Not forgetting i knocked into a car.Not my car knockin into a car but ME..I wasn't carefully looking at where i was going.had a headache n stomach ache the whole day and just felt like vomittin n NO I'm NOT pregnant!!
I just dunno wat else to do...
May 'not appear' in church as well soon to cum....

horrible fri

Yesterday was just darn horrible... Had a 'fight' wif parens.. Or rather they were the 1s screaming n stuff... I just tried keeping quiet but my mind just couldn't take all the negativity.... I hate it wen i'm receiving all the negativity.I just burst out... ok ok i admit.I was crying my head out last night.I just couldn't stand the pressure.And tis morn i looked like a panda tats y wore my specs... ;p It's like I'm a ballon and all my life i've been receiving all the negativity frm my parens now at tis age i just can't stand it no longer.I'm like about to burst or rather burst odi.I felt like screaming.I felt like leaving kch again. Didn't feel like going to church but being youth leader i just hav to show face and follow up my programs n meetings.Oh well,... I'm better today though still feel quite hurt. Sometimes i just wish i cud leave again and nvr come back but then again... I'm commited to my work here i dunno wat else to say and wat else to do and who else to look to here....
Watever la....

more of Joseph and Lodge school

Heheh... pretty funny just thinking about it.
I just came back frm 1 of the parties Lodge school had for all the cast of Joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat.Went there to tunjuk muka :p Actually just wanted to talk to Mr Bill about the music field but nvr got a chance to.Instead got a whole bunch of fans/admirers. Sum didn't knoe i was much older then wat they thought i was... lol... Others knew. Had some photo taking and signatures taken. Lodge is actually a fun place if u know the ppl...Got to talk more to Andrew(pharoah) and i think he's name was Billy... heheh..Well then, I suppose Jospeh now is burried and we're back to our lifes.Lodge said they wud b having another musical but tis time on the year 2007. Wuahahah...
Anyways now i'll put tat all aside and start focusing on my own life now..As if i have been doing so... ;P