holiday

my foot...
Doesn't seem like it.
I came bck to relax and be lazy and chill.
Next thing I knew it I'm teaching more then 80% of mum's students, driving the kids around, stressing about mum's musical, dying in the heat and at times kinda bored.
Sometimes I can't get the car coz the driver is using it. Yes, we have a partime driver. Don't ask me when we had one. I haven't the clue. I'm not going to use the merc so conclusion = car(less).
When I wanna practise or am in the mood of practising, mum comes to me and has me teaching her students while she laze around and do her things. And by the time I'm done, I'm dead tired and it's time for dinner.
I thought I'd have it easy but I find myself coming up front stage managering mum's choir which suprisingly improved drastically from the 1st practise I was at. Still they need alot of polishing and I'm starting to sense that more ppl hates me which comes to the conclusion of me being much more lonely in that choir. What the heck. I can't stand a musical being done poorly. I need to make things run smoothly and feel great about it. =)
Dad getting on my tail. Complaining all the time. Felt like screaming at him to shut up. There were times I nearly lost it but I just held my cool. He was complaining how I don't control my intake of food in Aussie and complaining about how fat I've become. Mum's also another thing. Making me wait like an idiot then when I wanna do sumthing she fusses over me.
Room? Not my room. Sister has taken over and my stuff was moved around. Scolded dad for it and suprisingly dad apologized. I have to put my things bck to it's place.

Holiday? What holiday. Nobody seems to be giving me a break. And most of my friends have left Kuching without me knowing.
So what else is new? I ask u......
The heat is killing me....

I'm just looking forward to godsisters coming over and the rain forest and the paarrrtying.... =)

the journey

The whole trip back was interesting. For once I was friendly and talked to the person next to me and I felt good about it all the way. I didn't feel anti-social or what-so-ever. I felt open =)
Reached Malaysia hearing the familiar language on the speaker. The staff at the airport were juz so Malaysian(chaotic and slow). The only thing i hated was the humidity.
Walked out of the plane thinking and knowing that I'll have to wait for my transport to come and fetch me. Knowing that as usual there would be no one to greet me at the door of the airport like everybody else. Got my luggage and next thing I knew it I had to open up the bag. They didn't really check(had a feeling they juz wanted to see what kinda clothes i wore or undies)... lol... Who knows. So since when this tis whole weird system start? I had take a long walk from the plane to the luggage area.
I got my stuff and walked out trying to feel important.. ;p lol.... Walked out and waited for quite sometime. Started getting impatient coz i was starting to feel the terrible heat. I didn't have any Malaysian money or a local no to call so ended up using a strangers phone which was cool but then couldn't get through. Then I saw mum and went up to the car. She only recognized me when I was near the car which was hilarious. Aparently I walked pass my siblings who were actually waiting for me at the door(to my surprise). They all didn't actually recognize me. I didn't change much did i?? Hmmm.... So i was wrong about certain things. For example i WAS actually missed by my family and there were waiting for me at the door.
Anyways, dogs seem to miss me alot to. They can't seem to leave me alone. Frens?? Erm... dunno about them. Juz waiting for time to pass now for my godsisters and the rain forest thingy. Was looking forward to going to kl but don't think that's happening.
I've been exercising everyday and practising and thinking of how horrible the music is here and how lazy ppl are. It's really depressing. The more I see it happening, the more I feel like doing something about it and also the more I feel like working overseas.... Ppl here don't appreaciate music as much as ppl overseas...

Last day in Sydney

For this semester... =) I'll be back. Don't you worry...

*sigh*(of relief)
Exam's over. Finally. It wasn't my best but i know i pass. Sight singing was hell. I still hadn't fully have my voice bck and sang abit out of tune and had a brain freeze but I was lucky to have my lecturer as the examiner. She's an angel.
Yea, I was sick this week. Had a bad sore throat, cough and abit of a headache. Starting to think it was because of history. The last time i was sick was when i had a history exam as well.
Went out with 3am again last night. It wasn't chaotic like the other outings but it wasn't the best either. They are all nice ppl. Too nice if you ask me. Didn't hang out longer though it would be nice. That's coz it was raining and Rach went back. I didn't wanna travel home alone so decided to head back. Reached home quite late(11+pm). With last night, I'm starting to think I'll actually miss Sydney... lol.. (That's the 1st)

Packing is the most painful thing when it comes to traveling. Luggage is full and quite heavy. Hand carrying quite a few things and I still feel like i forgot something. Hands and fingers are definately going to hurt tmr.
Dunno if I'm suppose to be looking forward in coming home. Nobody keeps in contact with me from church. It's as if I don't exist. Friends? What friends? They don't even put the effort in returning my sms-es or tell me when they come bck home.
Plans? Practise, doggies, driving(MY RED CAR) =), work(if possible. i need $$), watch all the movies(i miss ALOT of them), spot check my room(have a feeling something is missing in there), exercise big time(need to get bck in shape), pierce ears, eating my delicious duck =), rain forest music festival, godsisters, godbro.... that's about it.
All I have to do now is repack my stuff, eat breakfast and figure out what to do for the next 12 hours.
And I'm missing the con now... lol.... =D

I changed the add for a reason...
Don't ask...
=)

The week

Is as it is. No motivation to study. Have i mentioned it. Hardly studied this week even though it's study break. Felt kinda miserable and frustrated all at the same time and to make things better I'm not the only one feeling this way.
This week was last week of piano lesson. Funny thing was the 1st few weeks of semester, piano teacher was saying "From the rate you are going with your piano playing, ur going to fail. Not implying you will fail but from how you have been playing." Now that hurted me to the bone. I got striked directly at the heart. But this week she suddenly said "Good....Good work. With this rate, ur going to do very well in you playing. I'm happy for you. Keep up the work." I got kinda surprised but broke the awkward silence by asking her about one of the pieces and stuff.
Nose bled badly this week. Fingers hurt tremendously. Bad sore throat. Headache once in awhile. Stomachache as well but that's because I seem to be skipping meals. Painful eyes - i think my eye degree went down so been switching between my glasses and contact lens.

I've been trying to be strong for my sake. Having ppl feeling down makes me act as a strong character trying to make life easier for them. Then I realize I help ppl too much to even help myself with my own troubles.
I maybe happy or seem happy but there is sumthing. Sumthing deep down bothering me which I haven the slightest clue.
I tend to hold back alot with alot of things which makes certain ppl frustrated of me which makes me feel kinda guilty. That's how I am. I suppose so that it's easier for me to run away from problems which I'm so fondly of doing. *sigh* I'm so tried of pretending and holding back but it's become a habit.
PLEASE DON'T be angry at me or around me. DON'T raise your voice(angrily) or start repeating in anger. I had that today which brought me down low. Had a good day when the anger came to me like a knife on my throat. Headache started sturring and felt like jumping out of the car. Felt like screaming. Felt like i needed a hug to protect me from the angry voices. Made me pray, hoped and wished more.

Coming bck to God. Praying more though still not long enough. Feels strange coz I feel like I'm going bck to the past but being pulled into another dimension which felt like a nightmare coming. It was really weird coz I start imaginating things and feel like a 7year old again. I thank God and talk to him once in awhile but the feeling is different from what it used to be. Hving bargains with God is what I've been having for a few years now and it works out well....
Oh wellzz......
Hopefully exams will turn out great.
Maybe I need to draw again to gain motivation to study...

Feelingless!!

Performance finally over for this semester. Assignment's done. Was really happy and relaxed last week but this week seems the opposite. Like wat WC says, "for every negative there is positive". One way or another there is always "ying and yang".
Now? Feeling frustrated, no mood, no motivation, hurting fingers, chest pain back, coughing/sore throat and bored.
Exam is next week and I haven actually been doing much. Trying to gain back motivation but can't seem to do so.
Frustration? It's mostly coz of it really annoying person in uni but that's the furthers I'll say.
Can't wait to be back home and meeting my god sisters. It's been along time since I've met up with them. Can't wait to party at the rain forest music festival.
Wish I had sumthing to cheer me up now.... I really need to get motivated. I need to get out of this same routine of home, uni, practise, computer... I need adventure, i need drama and excitement in my life. I need fun and emotions.
I need a boyfren. U think? I don't. Happy being single. Wanna live up my dream. Am still aiming for Berklee. I can't wait to start working and becoming a mother but I also wanna reach the stars and be somebody great. I've been looked down upon most the time most my years I wanna do sumthing great for myself. I wanna live the dream....

kinda blur pic... had the interval during the performance. The gal next to me on the left is the other Malaysian gal.. =) We are all altos... ALTO RULES!!!! so don't bully us... lol... 

Me and Amy waiting for our choir performance "the creation". We were having lunch on the friday afternoon and the park next to uni. It was really breezy and cold so we didn't stay long at the park. 

Me and Rach after "the creation" performance... We were in the cold and talked so long we didn't know it was already late... Freezing at the harbour during winter... =) 

took this at the cafeteria though it's much more of showing the cup and my jacket... The food here sucks and the price is quite high. A nice place to hang out though. Sometimes the jazz students perform on the stage in the cafe. 

1st Concert Practise

Damn scary.
Woke up at 530am. Arrived uni at 725am.Practised till 820am.concert practise at 9am.

I was sooo nervous I cudn't really think clear. I was afraid I'd screw up bad time. The other piano players waiting around me were seniors which made it worse for me. On the program sheets, they put me as a 2nd year student when I'm actually a 1st year.
Performance? I came in. and nobody actually clapped. I went blank and couldn't find my words. There were not many ppl that came but I was happy for that. =) Finally i found my tongue and spoke. I got on the piano and could feel myself trembling. Fingers were ok(which was good) but legs were horrible. I couldn't control the pedaling coz my feet were trembling big time. I wondered if anyone saw it. I didn't stop but my rhythm was abit messy. I didn't really stumble. I went all the way. After that then I got the applause.
I let out a huge sigh. I feel much lighter now. Glad it's over. All i need to do now are 2 assignments and exams.
After concert practise I went to see the comment sheets(written by the students). Suprisingly I was the best piano performer today. I suppose now I feel much more confident though I hate the fact that ppl now think I'm a 2nd year student instead of a 1st year. Oh wellz...
Glad it's all over for this semester.... =)
Thanks for your prayers and moral support, guys.... =)

Went through my email account and came across this picture taken by Dr Kwok. Such a memory... =) Me as youth leader last year doing my 1st ever sermon, preaching in church.... 

Touched by a white angel

Depression strikes again. I've been feeling like this since last saturday night. Pressure, worry... u name it. I want company yet don't really feel sociable. The amount of things I need to settle and work on. Piano performance is next week. No piano lesson until after concert practise which is scary and not good...
Got home feeling tired. Seen the specialist, eaten pizza(craving for it for a long time), had exercise(dr's advise)....Got back seeing 3 lovely angels. Only 1 came to me. A smile formed. The only one angel that made me smile when I was walking back through the park. The same angel that made me happy that other day while the other 2 ran off. A little furry white angel that made a difference in my tiring day. Wished I could spend more time with that little angel but had to grab my things and head to cousin's house to do assignments.
*sigh*
Been a fake this week. Looked happy, sounded happy, looked interested in conversations, being nice(as usual)... But in fact, I'm somehow feeling sad, alone, bored, tired and worried. I'm amazed there were a few ppl that see through me.