Fingers

Has it's own character. Just had another piano lesson today. Before I went for lesson, I was practicing the whole morning. While doing so, was thinking how much I've changed. Not only by thought, character but also the way I project my performance and how I handle things.
Used to be worried about what people might think of me or my music or performance. But everybody think music differently. That's why you have different genre. Used to hold back on expressing a piece, instead of playing ff(very loud), i play f(loud) or mf(moderately loud). Today, I play what is needed or written. Fingers used to not move and turn stiff having another person watching me, a more experience person sitting in or a male teacher teaching. Now I'm more concentrated grabbing whatever knowledge and technique on piano playing. I know technique is something i lack. But I suppose that happens considering I didn't really a teacher for piano.
Wrist doesn't hurt as much as it used to but it's still fragile. Actually it doesn't hurt much. Improving with piano and feeling good about it.
My rhythm is slacking. Used to be good in rhythmic passages but ever since I've taught, I seem to be picking up students bad habits as well ;p
Clarinet? Haven touched it since last performance in december. Going to try get back on it either during the holidays or after my major music exam at the end of the year.
I LOVE what I'm doing (=

Concert Practise

Kinda feel disappointed with myself about my performance today. When the real performance comes, i play worse then playing in front of my teacher or friends. I could have done better but we ALWAYS say that. I don't feel as disappointed as I used to last year but I suppose what's done is done. My nervousness? Somehow I love the feeling. That's why I love performing and doing music exams. (=
Choir? Friends seem to finally realize that the alto girl doing the solo can't sing properly and seem to get out of tune. And they are starting to complain about her after telling me off for complaining and being a perfectionist in music. I DO complain and bitch quite a bit but after awhile, I just totally forget about the whole scene.
Can't wait for the next performance....

Performers

How do you define them? Their connection and definition to music is amazing. The ones which are the performers material are the ones you see on stage with endless expressions on their faces or the movement of their body. Being in another world just playing or singing your heart out. No matter how nervous they maybe, their connection to music brings them to another world and their awareness performing to crowds just disappear. So does this explain why musicians are so emotional?
I've been hearing in uni all day today that majority musicians somehow are really good in maths. Dunno how true that is. 2nd year students come to the conclusion that the 1st years don't look the music material.
And talking about performers, my 3rd concert practise is this wednesday. Hopefully it'll go well. Performing by memory again and afraid I'd stumble considering the piece is like super fast. Playing 1 of the studies by Cramer. But I suppose as usual all I have to do is take a deep breath, keep my chin up high, imagine an empty hall and let God do the rest with my fingers and the keys.

Frustration? =/

Hahahahah......
Read through the comments and I know I'm turning into one bitch that has no other life but a miserable one... Hmmmm...
Read through my post and realizing I was just frustrated to the max. Uncle has been making the whole house feeling extremely miserable with his conditions. I've forgotten myself, haven't been playing music the whole week or so considering it's easter break and I just feel so trap here without my doggy or the freedom to play music whenever I want to. The piano sitting in my room with me cursing away about life. Forgetting about who I was. Who I used to be.
Wanting to change to badly so I could forget my hurtful past doesn't seem to be working. I've been going through the change for the past 4 years. I suppose since last year I've just turned into some selfish maniac who thinks only for myself for a change instead of ALWAYS thinking about others... If I were reading this 3 years ago, I suppose I'd be disgust as well... Hmmmm... Never thought you guys would think that way of me complaining the shits out of life.
Change can be bad and for my case in a way it is. I'm just trying to work myself back to God but it's extremely hard. Since I've let God go, I've turned into what you all call 'bitch', 'jerk', 'arse', 'idiot' and god knows what else.
All I can say is thanks for slapping me back on track. So lost in music that I've lost track of holding onto my old little self.
(=

A dream

Music.
It's hard to describe it's amazing power in life. It can encourage death, life, hope and comfort. Most of all it ends up to be part of a person. That's why I'm doing music. That's why I want to go all the way doing it. As I'll always say, 'my voice is my soul, fingers my supporter, music my comforter'. For me, without music I am nothing; emotionless, heartless. People use music for unborn babies, the sick, performances, waiting room, shopping malls, studies, advertisements, etc.
For those who think depending on music is wrong to feel better, that's your lost. Without music, the world would be boring. Not to mention quiet. Even talking IS music. Music brings you to a new imaginary place with everything being as you see it to be.
Being drawn deeper into music, I've been dreaming of keeping the standard of music as good as it is. Most probably in Malaysia but who knows, I might have the money to start my business here. Dreams of educating music lovers to continue to learn about music and enjoy it further, support those who wanna do music but can't, correct and teach eager students, encourage and start up musicals, choirs, orchestras, bands and God knows what else.
This maybe too much of a dream but it IS a dream to aim for. No matter how sick I am I will still continue to do music. I don't care if my wrist or throat hurts tremendously, without my instruments I feel totally hopeless and lost.
I would so love to perform on stage. As in acting in musicals and sing my heart out. I've never given the oppotunity to sing and act on stage with the big parts but I suppose we all have to start small some way. Hopefully one day I'll be famous and well known doing what I dream to do and love to do. That would prove to alot of people that I AM somebody and I AM a hardworking person that does what she dreams to do from all those other people who use to made fun of me, bully and discouraged me, looked down on, back stabbed and hurt me, spitted, stole and cursed me.
And since young I've always wanted to make a difference in a world. It has always been my dream. Be it helping and caring for the animals by being a vet or farm, do charity work, visiting orphanges and old folks home for christmas with presents(when I'm rich).

A-new

Thanks you all for all the encouragement and cheer-ups (=
Haven been blogging for ages and I suppose I was just so fed up with everything.

I'm trying to turn a new leaf. Trying to look ahead of a storm and trying to reach the dreams I have been having for my future. My family may not feel like my family but there are still mine. Life may not be unfair many times for my case but there ARE blessings in diguise.

Yesterday was in a car crash with cousin driving. I got out of the car in shock and i froze. At that moment, i thought i was in a worse condition then my cousin. 1st thing that came into my mind was my left arm. After having the 1st accident before i came here, it sort of put my arm/wrist in a difficult position. I was thinking she should be checking if I were ok. Everything was about me. I just stood at the side of the road not knowing what to say or do. I looked over to the other car she'd knocked. They came over and the guy was on the phone. I was thinking that my cousin should be the one to go over to the car she'd knocked. It was like everyone was wrong, I'm the innocent one and everything was about me as if I was the important one.
Then after hearing the guy talking on the phone calling the ambulance coz he's mum is hurt, I snapped back to reality. I asked to see if the other party was ok then I ran over to their car to check. I totally forgot about my arm and I was much more concerned about everyone else's being. Called up my medical fren who was still at church place and hoped that she'll be ok. After settling everyone, I started feeling my arm hurting really badly. I went back to get my bandage and checked on my cousin. Medical ppl and the police soon came. Everybody was checked except me. For some reason they didn't think I was part of it.
Fren came over to masage my shoulders. She massaged quite softly but I felt incredible pain. That made me worry even more. Soon realizing that I was part of the accident, friends ask if I were ok. With all the questions and me trying to answer, I just started crying. The pain made it worse. I don't mind dying and all but suffering in pain from something is too much for me.
A few days ago I went to see my doctor. My bronchitis has returned, my trembling worsen, my throat in pain(I can barely talk and sing without feeling pain) and she says I might have tonsilitis. My heart sank to know hear it. My voice is my everything. With my hands in bad condition, I relly mostly on my voice. I love my voice and it's my soul.
Going bck to the accident. Soon everything was sort of settled. Everyone went home. I started feeling my whole body in pain it's as if someone HUGE and FAT had leaped from above and landed on me.
But life isn't all about me..... It's about making a difference in life. I wished I've followed my instinct and not follow my cousin home but in a way I was there so that she wouldn't have faced it alone. At least I didn't break an arm or had cuts or broken body parts. At least everyone was ok. A lesson to learn and a curse to put on the person that cursed me to be in an accident AGAIN..... ;p hahah
Well, that's about the latest news from me.