AARGGGHHHH!!!!

Lifes a complicating thing
wat am i to do
m just a fustrated little thing
but nothing seems to cure me
As I ponder just looking at my life,
nothings seems to make sense
"Y me?!" i wonder...
"Y me?!"

Long days, long nights
seem to pass by slowly
wats the cure for me
for all those sleepless nights
My mind rolls non-stop
where oh where's the stop button
Something keeps coming to my mind
Y can't it just go away
So i can get back once again wats mine
My beuty sleep devine :)

A friend in need is a friend in deed
Have i gotten those rite?
I wonder at the drama of my life
wat is real and wat is not?
wat is true and wat is not?
wat is there and wat is not?
wat will last and wat would not?
Who am i to trust in this world of mine?
Who am i to look wen I'm down o blue?
Who am i to meet wen wen i wanna chat?
Who am i to see wen I'm just so darn drowsy?

Wat am i looking for in my life to say?
What silly desicions do i make today?
HOw m i to answer a simple question asked?
I'm just in a place where no1 can help me.
my life is now as fragile as can be
I could go just anytime indeed
Medications now don't seem to work
I wouldn't know just wat to do.
If my time were to come now,
I'm ever so prepared to let it be
I am but afraid of 1 thing;
thats to be alone wen I am to leave this cruel world.

Another day and another night...Just wonderin wat is on my mind now.....Something seems to be bothering me but I just can't figure what.What m I to do.I mean I'm just a simple gal in a all so simple life.Sometimes I just wonder what would life be if I were somewhere else,someone else... :) Well, lets just say I'm falling into the pit again....
Health wise,am feeling better since the last attack.Better but not 100% well....Dunno but some times I just wish at times like these I had someone close with to help me through.But my only problem is I don't like bothering ppl.I just don't like being a little fragile thingy....But then again if not then nobody would actually care for me right.... :) Hmmmm....Go figure that out....!!!
Check up is later this afternoon.Am quite scared...ok ok...Am actually very scared.Wish i did my check up in the Penang hospital when i was there just last month.Then at least got Loretta,Jin and my frens wif me.My 2 cousin's will be fetching me up from church for my check up later.I suppose we are goin straight after that.I don't really talk to these cousins of mine considering our age gap is really wide and some more I'm not really close to them.I suppose i just have to go through life and just see what suprises God would give me.. ;p
I haven been thinking straight for some reason or another.Something is really botherin me but can't really figure it out.Maybe the fact that Gina would be back in sarawak later and that the fact that I'm not goin back as well even though I could have actually done so.*sigh*
I really dunno wat to do with myself.I always have problem deciding in life and in wateva thing that comes before me.I would be thinking,"what if I regret?""what if it won't work out"just"what if...." Yup thats my major problem.Even choosing a piece of paper takes up alot of decision making for me...lol... ;p
It's Sabbath and I haven really been faithful.Am not proud saying so....Just wish I could do something to lift up my spirit.But then again,these few days my mind just keeps on thinking....It just never seems to rest.Not only am i thinking of synapse and neurons and genes or numbers but then I keep thinking of life,of my frens and the future....That's bad right..it's really bad.Am trying to live the day as it is.As if it's my last day on earth for you never know I maybe no more at any time... I'm not talking nonsense here.I'm talking the fact..The fact of life and the fact that I do care for everyone I know even though they are m enemies...like what the bible says.."love ur enemy as urself" and we'll be blessed in God's name :)
Man,I can't seem to be sleeping these few days.This is really bad.Esp for my health sake and study sake...hmmm...Dad says i should take sleeping pills but i dunno.I think it's bad and dangerous.Am just trying to stay far from medication.Don't you just hate being a doctors child. ;p Talking about medication and doctors...well,there will be a blood drive in college around next week or the week after that.Just wish I could make my childhood dreams come true and actually being able to actually donate blood.Last time it's because I'm under age.Now it's because I'm not healthy enough to donate :( It's as if the whole world is against me.ok ok i'll start thinking positive now... ;p man it's hard living a life when u don't actually know who to actually look for or who to trust kinda thingy.I know, i know I've said I'm starting to trust again but it takes time.After all a leopord can't change it's skin over night.can it?At times,I just look back at all the wonderful memories and try deleting off all the negative ones.Those actually keeps me going........

i scare myself

Just looking at my life just make me wonder.Y do i just worry everyday. I mean if my results r not good then it just means that I've taken the wrong path. I may worry about wat my parents may think or the fact that they would be dissapointed in me but the fact is that I'm not perfect n they just have to accept me the way i am. They just have to be proud of who i am though i just dunno wat they think of me... I mean, life IS short.Where m i headed thru writin all these?? Well, lets just say I just realize that I may not see tomorro. I may not be able to have a bf or a husband or kids... I could die any day any time.... Ok ok I'll just go to the point.  Lets just say that I just freaked myself last night.... I mean I really felt like I was goin to die and there was nobody there with me... Before i went to bed last night, I had a sudden attack.. Something like an ahsma attack.. Was practiacally gasping for air and my chest suddenly hurt alot... I was really scared half to death... THis is stupid but i actually cried... I was just so scared. I didn't know who to look for.I felt that I sudn't be worrying about life and just let it be... Maybe it's time I could really trust ppl.... If they do hurt my feelings and things like that,I mean well it is part of life and i just have to bare with it.... these attacks of mine occurs once a blue moon. So i suppose it's not as scary as the frequent 1s ppl have... I just hate telling ppl about my health prob. It just makes e feel like I'm not capable of doin anything. It's as if saying that I'm weak and useless... I just wanna live a normal life. I just hate it. At some times I suffer but i just don't wanna tell anyone coz I don't wan them to freak out and i just don't want them to worry so much about me... Last night was 1 darn scary night.... I didn't know who to look for. I didn't wana freak my roomate and I didn't wana call home coz parents already asleep.... Sometimes I just wsh I had someone close to look for. But that just keep me wonderin. Who is worth contacting? The pain last night lasted for nearly half an hour to an hour. And some more this morning I woke up feeling as horrible as ever. Had another attack again in the morning during a few of my classes... it's really scary... I just can't wait to go have my medical check up..... M doin it at my cousin's hospital which is some where around kl... Doin my check up this weekend though I dunno wen that would be.I mean I'm really freaking myself up.     Okok.... enough with all the negatives... Now for the positives.... With all the attacks, i actually was allert in class.... *shiishh*  Time really flys and all I'm looking for now is for someone whom I an really trust.Whom I can always depand on. At times i wish I could go back to my golden childhood days.... Those were the happiest time of my life. I was happy and healthy.... Anyways,.........
My lil bro,Leandre... Seems to be missing me. This actually suprices me considering I use to have lotsa conflict with all my siblings and that includes my sis... She just said that she loves pissing me off.... Hmmmm.... I suppose they would be always a time where everybody would be missing everybody... :) But to tell u the truth I don't actually miss anyone back home.I know it's mean but i dunno.. ??? Wat m suppose to do... Rearrange my synapes??? lol.. I suppose I'm studyin to much of bio.... :p   
I suppose this is all I gotta say... I think I have said too much for now.....

wat a week... I've never ever felt so good in my whole life.... I was jolly happy and never did tasted the  gloom and depression in almost a month now... Boy, does it really feel good... I've never felt this good for decades... :) now all i need is a boyfriend.. lol... joking la...  Met this new guy in church last sabbath.. Surprisingly he's from the same college.... He's from Indonesia and a year older than i... A Leo too.. My gang... lol.. ;p Fun guy he is.... He speaks 5 languages.... Admire him man... Actually I don't really know what to write... Quite blurr now.... Haiyer... this weekend... am darn scared.... m doing check up at my cousin's hospital....Scared the results come out negative.... then i die... Never mind... All i have to do now is wait and pray for the best.......

Well, it has really been a great weekend..... Not prefect but a great 1... :) Me and some of my best buddies went to Taiping and Penang.... It was really 1 of the great times. We laughed our heads out for lotsa things.... If only I could turn back time... Wendy and I went to Taiping on friday afternoon. Stayed over night Li Yien's place... And on Sat we went to Penang.There, we met Wei Chern.We were suppose to meet up with Silas and the rest but everything seemed to be messed up that morning.We reached Penang at 10 something.... Waited for Wei Chern for more than an hour and wen round Penang... Really wish I could have met Jin... Really do miss her lots... She did call me on fri afternoon on my way to Taiping... Boy, has it been a long time since i've last talked to her.... Does she talk alot too(no offense :P) It's like a bullet train going on and on... heheh.... :P But it was really great talking to her.... Really missed the old youth.... We talked till I reach this area that didn't have any line signal. Lotsa news from Penang.I'm not goin to be writin it down... IT would take ages and i don't think it would be really nice to knoe about it.... Anyway, Penang.... hmmm..... I really do love the place though the places which Wei Chern brought us doesn't seem familiar.... Oh ya... I HATE Penang laksa... eekkk... >_< maybe it's coz they put prawn paste.... I didn't know it till I couldn't take it any more...
Where ever we went it was sure to rain.... Yup,my powers r juz to hard for me to handle isn't it... :P heheh....
Ok....so maybe it could be my fault... I mean wateva I say everytime it mostly comes true.... Darn scary... lol....
In Penang, we went to Wei Chern's school just to see his school band which just made me jelous considering i never could join my school band no matter wat.. :( *sniff* Then later on we went ot his house,... drove around half of Penang, went to the beach and well,.... errr... just walked around....
Btw, Wei Chern's drawing is just so darn chun.... me jelous liaw.... I never could water colour... I maybe good in crayons and the pensel thingy(wat do u call it again?)Oh ya... shading... ;p I suppose now I'll just have to take lessons from him. Not frogetting about Li Yien... Saw her drawing as well.... Can't believe this ppl really can paint... AARRGGHHH!!!! Well, I suppose now I just have more competition... It's really hard to find ppl who actually are good at art.Esp guys... (not forgettin u Lyn,ur art also it's nice)...
Anyway, that night we were suppose to leave Penang at 8:15pm. Met Loretta and her bf before that... Man, it's really been along time since I last saw her.... Anyways,... while talking to her, I saw Li YIen and Wendy running... I wasn't expecting the bus to leave early so didn't bother about it much even thoughit's already pass 8:15pm. Next thing I knew it, those 2 gals were running and theor expression was darn shocking... Thinking that we missed the bus,... made me freak out... Those gals were actually running after the bus... Wat came to my mind was "Oh no, where are we to stay now... I have classes on mon" They didn't succeed in catching the bus... We thought we missed the bus.. Even Loretta's bf offered to send us to the next bus stop to catch the bus... But then again.... the funny part was that those gals actually went after the wrong bus... lol.... heheh... And the bus actually left an hour later... Cool wasn't it.. Just to think of it makes me laughing again... ;p ....lol.... talked to Loreta for the whole hour... was really nice in catching up with everything... The 1 thing for sure is that I'm surely to go back to Penang this year.... Just wanna meet Jin again.... ;p can't wait till that day..... :)
Not forgetting those 2 gals and guy are all planning to come to Kuching.Can't wait till that day... Already miss 3 of them. :P It's just us music gang... But then again I think I may need some of the youth back home for help... I don't really know the roads of Kuching... Am thinking of goin to Santubong and some other places... ;p I'm really bad on the road.... lol.... Well, I suppose now all i have to do now is just wait and wait....

2 nights ago I went to my frens church opening.... It was something like a church dedication thingy dedicating their new church to God. Their church is really cool though it doesn't really look like a church. More of a theater to me.. :P well, for their opening, they had more than 400 ppl there.... I suppose mostly are not originally from their church.This church to me should be exampled my other churches.The members there all have really strong desires to do God's work and things like that.The history of this church..
Well, this church started 3 years ago by this young pator who had a vission from God. They started with only 5 ppl.Moving from 1 place to another.... Last year they had more than 200 ppl in the church and these days it's reaching 300.. It's like woaw rite? :) I mean nothing is impossible through God wat?! I really admire this church...
Everytime I'm there(though I don't go there much often), I seem to picture our church(or rather my church) to grow in the same manner though we r still in tradision.I picture the youth growing by numbers, spiritually in God's name. I picture the youth doing lotsa programmes and ministries be it on the road side or just worship sessions.I picture more churches being built. I picture our church just overcrowd with ppl. I picture both young and old coming to church because they enjoy it and not because they wanna show their faces or just to make themselves present.....Some ppl may think it's hard and that no 1 would be willing of doin anything... But then again, y think of others. Shouldn't we be the 1's to start something? Shouldn't we have the burning desire for God? Shouldn't we be the 1s spreading God's word to the world? Shouldn't we be the 1s to be sharing God's mess of love? ;p yup.. I have been doing lotsa thinking.... At times I see the church just growing like rabbits breading...... It's not forcing frens to go to church but rather just trying to get them to know God.They don't have to come to church to know God, they don't have to go for bible study to know God. All they have is us(u....) to share with them our life experiance with God.
Well, I suppose I've said enough about churches for now... U migth be bored reading this.... ;p
This weekend I'll be going to Taiping,Penang with my 2 best music buddies.... I just can't wait for later.... :D I've finished all my homeworks.But haven really started my revision yet.... I mean come on...., can't i at least enjoy my 1st week of a new sem in college??? heheh... ;p
I think I'm gonna be busy from next week onwards with all the homeworks and revision I have to catch up with... Not forgetting my sleep... ;p

Well, my fren was just here in Kuching from Taiping for a 4 day trip and just left today... It was sortta fun but tiring too.... i was practically drivin everyday since she came here.... I'm darn tired now with all the driving and going out.... NOt bored anymore... heheh.... :P Now all i wanna do is just rest and wait till I'm back at KL....
For the past few nights it's been really fun night for me... AND my li yien.... Went out with Randy, Laura, Dan, Daniel and Clinton.... I'm really thankful for them... Glad to hang out with them again after how long....heheh... It is after all part of my plan in ministering with the help of a bunch of christian pals.. :P She did like them all and did enjoy herself... Well, the next time I'll be bringing.... okok... she'll be bringing more ppl at the end of this year... It's our music gang from Sunway-MOnash. HOpe they all will be here again to help me out... Coz i think i might need help on the road... I won't survive driving so darn long and far..... then maybe we all can go Santubong together-gether.... :P and some other places la.... the whole gang shes bringing are non christians so may need help there.... :P HOpe she's not reading this... heheh... I've been out every night till 11 pluss(which maybe a suprice for most of ya).. Hope my parents don't get mad.... Still haven heard from them about it. .Don't think they are..... :D
Anywayzz, I'm darn tired from all these things all i wanna do now is just stay on the comp or hang out with my old classmates just for a chit-chat....
It really darn humid in Kuching... Wat m i to do.... All i did the whole week was being on the comp, drivin around, being a tour guide, teaching for my mum, watch VCDs, play piano, groom my doggies and ......err..... just being ME.... lol.... :)
Leaving Kuching this sunday.... I must remember ti bring back lotsa food back.... Oh ya, talking about food before i left Kl, I was like only 47kg and the last time i weigh myself, i was like 53kg.... man, I'm really growing FAT!!!!! Someone please help me control my diet...... heheh... :P
Anyways... I suppose now i'm stuck at my dungeon till i leave for kl.....