Tiring

I must be some super girl... Have been bizz or more bizz then usual... =)
Last sun at orchestra practise was a disaster... Not tat bad but bad... Was the only wind instrument and none my frens were there... Felt kinda lost but wat the heck... And tis sunday no practise coz they say it's labour day... How stupid can tat be.... Watever la....
A few nights ago I had a serious acupuncture frm my dad... And it was seriously painful.Esp wen he used tis machine tat vibrates the needle to stimulate the hormones or system kinda thingy... Dad forgot to turn down the voltage of the thing so wen he turned it on, I got like a shock of my life... It was terribly painful i actually cried...
This sat night I'll have a performance at RTM Kuching.M performing in a jazz orchestra... Rather cool.. I actually enjoy myself besides frm the fact tat every rehearsal i sweat like no1's business and tat It's a 2 and a half hour practise and tat tis week we r rehearsing every nite and not forgettin there r sum tough running notes i have to master.... I actually cum home feeling happy and up-beat..... This is the life i love.This is the life i want.Tis is the life i seek.... And I'm headed towards tat life... =D Anyways I'm juz wonderin who'll turn up tis sat nite... Which 1 of my frens wud be there to support or watch... Who r the music lovers of kuching.... Juz can't wait till sat nite.... ;D

Sad but true

Living in a world of dream....
Wat else cud i see...
things don't seem to be the same;
I've lost my heart,my desire,my hope...
Surrounded by fake flowers,
surrounded by selfishness,
surrounded by greed,
just alone and lost.
Wat else cud be said;
everythings a lie,
everythings just there
to show not to act.

Dreamed so hard;
wished so much,
non can appear in tis sad atmosphere.
Seeking freedom,
seeking happiness,
seeking a life with feelings to the soul.
Longing to see,
longing to flee,
longing to knoe ur 1 n only true thing to ur heart.

Sad s it mayb;
I've no where else to go,
But tis page of loneliness:
This page of me!!

How can it be,
Don't i hav a heart or a soul?
Don't i even care if i live o die?
Don't i even bother another sad day...
Like rottern cheese in ur soup,
or sour grapes in ur vegetables;
How can it be,
Tat I'm here in this world...

I hate him.... I hate him....

The person I'm talking about is my bro... Not my older bro nor izit my youngest bro... It's my bro after me.... All I've done all my life is protect him n comfort him...Helping him wen needed n having a simple converstaion.And wat does he repay me back wif?? Hatred,..... Wat he does,... tells practisally everyone he makes contact wif tat I'm the creation of Satan or tat I'm the worst or tat They sudn't listen to me.Now i understand y I can't get thru the youth or any how many ppl who are frens to him... It's because of him... Can u bet tat... Not only tat but he acts as if he's the king of the house... After opening the gate for him to enter he doesn't even bother closing the gate or even the main door.... And he blames everyone... The thing is he has corrupted my youngest bro.. Now i understand everything clearer....
I've had enough.... I'm nvr ever gonna help him in anyway.... If he wans help...Don cum looking for me coz I've help him enough n he was nvr ever grateful n nvr thanked me at all for anything... I knoe it sounds bad and evil but tats who i am now... Tat's wat I am now...

frm bad to worse

the pain on my wrist became a tendon inflammation...Which was y it was so painful... And the pain is getting frm bad to worse... Actually quite bad... I can only practise 15min bef o start feeling the pain.If not,When i do heavy stuff or carry things,it starts to hurt... Dunno wen tis sufferin shall end.... 1st, I'm emosionally sufferin n stuff like tat.Now i'm physically sufferin.... *sigh*
Orchestra practise was quite bad for me... I din realize sum the pieces was for clarinet in A and my clarinet is in Bb.... When i transpose the A clarinet to Bb,it's like a 6# or 4# piece which is quite killing considerin it's running notes... But all in all i feel alot better coz i realize I'm a better clarinet player then my partner who's playing 2nd clarinet.... My cousin who plays the drum really got lost.In a way i felt kinda sorry for her... But on the other hand i got lost myself and sorta worried at tat time... kinda embarrasin playing all the wrong things with alot of ppl around... All i juz hope now is tat mum can get A clarinets frm the instrument department.........

In Pain!!!

Have been in pain for the pass few weeks.The pain I'm refering to is the pain practically frm practisin my instruments... Nvr felt tat pain before.Sumtimes it's unbearable...Of such pain i really can't ignore.... My left wrist hurt the most today...Was really painful turning my steering-wheel...Wat to say practisin.... Didn't wanna make it such a great deal the previous weeks coz I tot if i practises more frequent the pain wud disappear but the opposite happened.The pain got worst and came easily.I didn't wan my parens to make unstop-able 'noise'. If u knoe wat i mean ;p But tonight to my suprise my mum said she used to have the same pain last time wen she was younger and wen for the chinese medication... the 1 with the needles.The 1 i drastically hate and fear.And sum of u may knoe tat my dad specializes in tat area.Mum didn't say much but tat and tat i sud do the treatment... Tat like totally suprised me but wat the heck..I'm still not doin the needle thingy till i get my courage... ;p i like totally hate needles.... Fear them alot...
Tat's not the only thing tat hurts...My chin actually hurts...And it's coz of practising the violin for long hours which i've nvr actually done in my life...
Fingers hurt frm the hard strings of my violin.I knoe by practising more it makes my finger tips firmer and tougher but for the time being it's also making my fingers hurt...
My foot seems to hurt...Must be frm long term driving...heheh...jkg!!!
Even now my left wrist like totally hurts even by not moving it much...M typin wif only 1 hand... :(

P Ramlee

Last night wen for tis FREE P Ramlee concert held by the SONS(Symphony Orchestra Negeri Sarawak).Only the dancers and the classical orchestra performed... It was kinda cool.The whole thing was for the minister or sumthing for his 41st(sum where there) anniversary leading out our state or sumthing like tat...Since P Ramlee's music is his fav,so there we were.... Listening to the music on tat night...
They had quite a no of invited ppl.Singers,players n even condustor(he only conducted 2 songs) Duh!!
Anyways,it was ok...Dancing were weird n quite entertaining.... Singing,I must say tat there was only 1 particular singer i liked.I think she's the youngest solo singer there(not tat young la). There were a few squeeks n wrong notes not forgetting the players not playing on the same time pluss the violin bows were not bowed at the same time or rather direction.
Had quite alot of fun making fun n laughin at the singers,dancers n stuff... heheh... ;p
1 of our local singer wore a few clothes which were like super tight... She cudn't even move properly... Wonder how she does tat....The conductor was rather funny... He actually got lost in a couple of songs... I saw him actually flippin thru a few pages in 1 of the songs and a few he was looking blurly at his piece.... lol.. tat was rather funny considerin the history he has been having in SONS in the 1st place...
There was 1 song where the singer spelled out cinta(love). He said C-H-I-N-G-A.I heard him spelled out G-A but it mite hav been T-A... Kept me puzzled for quite awhile... They say it's the old spelling of cinta. There was tis other song where they were talking about swimming together or sumthing like tat in a pond or sumthings like tat.... title was Kolam Mandi.Rather funny can't to think of it.Kazambo.Another song...Rather weird.The only lyrics were "Kazambo....Kazambo....oh oh oh.... Kazambo".Sumthing like tat la... ;p I'm not perfect to be remembering all those lyrics in detail.. =D
Over all, i suppose last night was kinda fun...

*SATURDAY*
Wat can i say about it.Din really payed attention in church.I only went for sabbath school then i wen home.. Don seem to find the interest in church any more... Feel like i'm going to sum market place in my nice clothes.... =)
In the afternoon, i went to the Lord of the Bands conpetition to support my fren... Met afew cool ppl...Depressingly reminding me of my music gang back in kl.Sad to say i din see my fren's band play coz they were delayed till quite late... Then after tat,i rushed home then to my interior design class not forgetting ruching out of class to the concert i talked about earlier...
So tats my Saturday...tiring but finished off satisfied and happy... Thank God for tat... =D

Shut up!!!

Yestersay's youth meeting wen super horrible... No1 bothered listening to me which sorta made me paniced abit... No1 replied me nor did they respond... It was just horrible.I felt like screaming,i felt like running away,i felt like just shaking them all,i felt like crying..... It was totally hard.Esp wen the youth don't wish to try.They don wanna learn,they don even bother listenin to me then later saying tat i'm sum lousy person.I dunno wat else to say...
It's difficult being 2person... I encourage ppl,show my happy face,being sporting or supportive but in fact I'm the 1 tat needs all those... Sumtimes i juz don't care a damn but at times i hav to show wat me as a leader m.... I try communicationg but sum times i juz wanna be alone....I cheer ppl up but at times i'm the 1 tat need cheerin up... This like totally sucks but i dunno wat else to do.... If i be a 100% me i suppose i can be a sumbody but tat also means i won't fit in the church totally...
I deffinately have a big mouth... It seems wif me changing my character and stuff, I seem to speak without thinking and tat happens far too many times.... I saw sensible stuff most the time but it ends up back-firin... mayb coz ppl not willing to see my point or not willing to listen frm sumone like me who's not old enough(considered).... With my stupid mouth i hav sorta been bringin prob to myself n now i hav to train myself to shut my mouth most the time n keep my thoughts to myself though at times it maybe a killing thing to a person but i suppose it's for the better... After all i don't think many ppl wud like to hear wat i've gotta say now rite!??
So after tis i'll juz say less inner things of myself then wat it seems... Details wud b keep in me then being projected live by my stupid big mouth....

Not wat was suppose to happen...

Today i feel sorta crappy... And i'm not talking about my dog here....
Had a meeting wif half the leaders and it seems tat things didn't seem the way it should go... I was suppose to scream at them but some how i had no mood..I didn't say all which i wanted to say coz i got nervous and forgot wat was suppose to be said... But other wise it went sorta well i must say.... Was suprise they knew bout my resignition.But wat the heck...
I don't seem to care about anything anymore.I don't seem to see the light of things any more...I'm always lost in thoughts or in my own little world. *sigh*
I sigh day in and day out just hoping for a miracle to happen... Hoping to see a silver lining through the clouds but none appears...
I seem just awful... don really know wat to do wif my life for now...
I'm having my attacks again... My chest pain attacks...Sometimes it happens wen i breathe....This really sucks but i dunno la... I just hate it... I'm not letting my parens knoe bout it coz they seem to be using anything or rather everything against me.So i'm just treating myself wif medication.But tis time i feel worse coz i'm feelin all alone.Last year at least hav my room mate and my music gang.....
Treating ppl nicely...Don't u just hate it.Everytime i treat ppl nicely they eaither give me cold shoulders or i get kicked around..But wen i'm nasty,ppl treat me nice which makes me feel awful... So wat do ppl actually want...I dunno la... I just sumtimes feel sick of being nice but on the other hand guilty coz i'm not...
I'm really losing my mind aren't i...Can't think straight or do much.... My mind keeps wonderin off....
I just need something or rather someone to keep me to the real world.Mite 1 day lose it man....