*Sigh*

I suppose health wise I'm still in bad shape and that sucks... I just can't stand that fact... I still do have those chest pains and block noses and headaches and not forgetting my tiredness and forgetfulness..... I just hope all these will soon come to pass... I just can't stand my situation any more....
Mum was here in kl for the weekend and we were out with my cousin... They have come to a conclusion that I am to go for a ct-scan some where around next month considering they all still don't know wat kinda problem i have.... So anyway, I'm abit nervous bout it considerin that means I'm to go to a hospital and all.... Scary la... Pluss my parents(esp my mum) won't be there with me.... *sigh*
Sometimes at times I just wish this nightmare would all be gone.... I wish I was back in my childhood days where I was healthy and hyper... I would be running around, climbing trees... fooling around..... jumping up and down... disturbing the neighbours :P..... making noises... (yup I was as naughty as a little boy)...lol.....
I really do miss those times... where I was like super active in everything.. I was just good in almost everything without putting much effort in it... Now is like I have to put all my effort in something and yet still don't really do that well... *sigh*
I suppose I'll have to logg off now considering I'll have to be back in my books again... I have lots to study and my mock practicals are these week starting wed to fri..... it's gonna be a long, tiring and stressful week for me thats for sure....

It's my 4th birthday!!!!

YUp! YUp! Yup!... Today is my 4th birthday.... To put it more clearly, it's my 4th baptism birthday.... I dunno why but I woke up this morning feeling so happy and stress free(sortta)......4 years ago is just an unforgettable moment for me.... All 6 of us got baptize that day and it was 1 of my most happiest moments.... The 6 are Jin, Qing, Clinton, Elvina, Veronica and I.... Through the years there are just lotsa memories with u all.... I wonder wat would happen today... I just feel happy today compared to my other days these month... :)
Today's the day for me to celebrate,
the special day of which I said "I do!" to the Lord...
ever so free, so glad, so happy u see
to know that I've got someone out there
who has and will be looking after me
He's given me life,
he's given me strength,
he's given me frens to spend my dayz with.
Oh how much i just luv this day.
For as happy as can be,
as worried as I'll be,
all in all,
I'll just make this day a blast
just between me and the Lord....

I'm touched and shock....

Well, yesterday.... lets just say it wasn't a day I've expected..... Basiclly it was cause of wat my music gang did to me.... I just couldn't believe wat they actually did to me.. Am still shock from it.I'll start from the evening.Well,.........
I was suppose to have choir that evening but then only 4 memebrs turn up outta the 30+ members... So choir was cancelled.At that time I was darn hungry already from my 2 hours of non-stop walking just settling my mum's apartment here in kl... So anyway after choir I decided to eat then start studying again... Mana I know that Chor didn't let me eat by myself and also didn't even let me eat for at that time we were waiting for LI YIen.. I was irretated and frustrated.Hungry and annoyed... They wanted to walk all the way to pyramid just to eat.And I was just thinking of time and studies and not forgetting of how much I'll have to spend on just dinner alone esp when it's in pyramid.so I was practically moaning and groaning the whole way... The next thing I knew it, we went to pizza hut and there I got a shock outta my life.I saw Wendy and Kok Lim.Then when I sat down I just realize what they were doing for me.When I sat down I saw Wei Chern and Yovan.This actually really gave me a shock of my life.. If i had a weak heart, I think I'd have a heart attack... It was actually a planned birthday party for me... I was totally speechless. I just didn't know wat to say...The whole gang was there.What more can I wish for. At that moment, my hunger was gone, my worriedness gone... I just felt special.. :P I suppose all I can say now is Thanx ya u guys... You really made my day(or rather night).....
NOt only that but the whole crew of pizza hut came with a birthday cake after switching off the lights... I was just darn shocked or rather stonned... I just didn't know what to say.I just wanna hug everyone of them.And I nearly cried outta shock and the feeling of being touched... I never expected much for my birthday.I suppose I'll just miss ya all once I leave for you all are just the best.... Until now I still can't believe you all did that to me... Pretending you all forgot my birthday esp when you all had been planning this all along for the pass few weeks... I'm really touched i just dunno wat to say.

NOt forgetting that today I'll be getting my AS results... I just hope the results improve and that everything would be ok... I'm just darn scared and pressured.....

Well, wat a day it has been... And as usual it's not a happy 1 but rather a horrible 1 as predicted....... Every year it's just the same.. I just wonder y... I never seem to be happy... Lets just say I just this time of year... It's also not 1 of my favourite time.Anyways..... *sigh*
GUess wat i did the whole day...Practically did my work,studied, stay in college area and felt slumpy.... ok ok besides getting wished on the strike of twelve and getting presents, there wasn't anything special... Like this day was never special for me. Felt good for awhile but then again i just reminded myself not to have high hopes and dream on this day and as predicted it wasn't much.... My fren broke my hp... ok ok fine, i may have a new hp but i still treasure my old hp as it is.... NOthing much to say about today but the fact that I was suprice dad actually remembered my birthday... I remember 2 or 3 years ago wen mum was away, no 1 remembered my birthday and wen mum wished me, I just started crying... I suppose I'm just touched... When dad wished me for the 1st time last year, I actually started crying... lol... It's stupid but i suppose I just felt touched considered my dad doesn't remember or hasn't remembered my birthday... I nearly cried this now wen dad called but since i was in front of my frens i just hold my tears back and smiled...
I had a talk with God for 2 hours last night before my so-called special day... It really felt good crying my feelings out.It really has been along time since I've actually talked to God this long.We talked about alot of things..... Love, life, pain, thankfulness, longingness...... I just miss my doggy and my grandma... I suppose God just has things planned out for me so I'm not really worried about it....
Well, I just can't wait for this month to pass considering it's my most unhappy month of the year all the time be it exams, results or just the days itself... I just don't know why but I just feel terrible in this month....
I mean wat am i suppose to say about it.I'm only human... or rather, a weird one......

luv? didn't u know it was fri the 13th?

Well, that fri... I had lotsa frens breaking up and thats not the only thing... They were in bad condisions.... It wasn them the only ones having problems but rather i did have frens having personal problems.... Me and Li YIen didn't realise it until sat... suddenly she dashed into my fren asking..."Lorraine, do you know what day was yesterday?" I was kinda blur and didn't know wat she was talkin about. "It was fri the 13th la...." Well, now that explains everything.. But is this believe and saying actually true... Go figure...!!! Well, everyone has their own thinking... I sortta believe in these knida things...
Well, love.... Hmmm.... I suppose everyone needs love... Have i said that?? lol... Anyways... it's true... I mean even i need love too... And I'm tahnkful God gives them to me all the time...
I can just remember... When i was a little infant, my parents gave me unconditional love.... then when my siblings came about i had love from my grandma... Now 2 gone... in my childhood days I had a dog(Crappy).I felt she understood me and would be always by my side when I'm in tears or when I just needed someone to talk too... She's known as the dog no1 can get near too... But she would just come to me when i just needed love.... Then in my teenage life, there's my aunty.... She cared for me and worries about me... Now being in college... I just know God will or has sent someone to love me as these ppl do but I've still not confirmed who....
Well,I suppose that's all from me for this time... Maybe I'll write again later... I just wanna enjoy my day... :P

Love sucks....

Love sucks...It's not me that has love problem but rather everyone around me... I just wonder y... It's always "If we break-up, I'll die","He/she's the love of my life","He/she's my soul mate","he likes you","she adores you","he/she's everything to me"...........etc..........
My frens having relationship problem which is giving me headache oso..It's also not like I've been through a relationship but i do know wat it's like considering I've seen and feel lotsa these things....
*sigh*
It's like a real life play kinda thing....But the problem is I seem to be getting the wrong charactor which is the consultor.. more like a counselor kinda thingy....I wonder y.... I've been getting lotsa this kinda thingy be it a person after me, interested in me or helping in fren's relationship or explaining kinda thingy... You ppl reading this make sure you don't come looking for me unless u really don't have anyone else to go to that is... I'm recieve this kinda problem mostly this year.....
Wat is love?Is it worth suffering?Y even bother?It just disturbs ppl's life every time there's a problem.It just hurts...It's nothing...rite?? WRONG!!!
Love IS everything.. Without it there wouldn't be any expression.There wouldn't be any life... there wouldn't be anything at all..Nothing can survive without love.Love brings everythings to life.It way cause heart breaks or it may torture or hurt our grades, feelings or our everyday life but look at it in another way... It brought the way we are... It brought us to know that love is in everyone.That we are not heartless... that there is something worth living for.That God DOES love us....
My clarinet teacher use to say I was a heartless person considering I never play my clarinet with expression kinda thing...lol.... but then I do... Just not in front of her... :P
Anyways, when you have a problem in relationship, i suppose as christians,we should pray and as for the nons, well just look life in another side of way and just have hope... If things doesn't work out then it means that you're not ment to be together... THERE is a person outside just for you....After all there is always someone for someone...There is someone perfect for you out there so just don't get so hurt about it... It may hurt but try to think happy thoughts or talk to someone whom you really trust.Share your burdens then your be happier bit by bit.....

Woaw... Life is really complicating esp when ur in my life in my shoes... Hmmm I just wonder what it would be like being other ppl's shoes.... It's just complicating... I just ask myself "why?" every moment... why this and why that.. why me and why now.... I suppose i can never find the answer for that.... My results for my AS exam is coming out and that is like only half of the whole alevels... The know that I won't be doing science after all and that I know that i can't do my dream dream of becoming a vet considering I'm allergic to practically almost everything.It would be a torture to be with animals 24hours no matter how much i love them... *sigh* Anyways, 1 things for sure and that is that I might be doing performing arts(hopefully) or interior design.... Mum wants me to study in Auzzie and stay with my Aunty Karen in Sydney... but Auzzie is just too common. I wanna be somewhere different like maybe Rusia or UK or Italy....Just someplace different... Anyone out there can recomand any uni that has both performing arts and interior design?? I think I may do a double degree if my parents don't really agree with performing arts cause I really, really, really wanna do it :)
Somethings really bothering my mind but I just can't figure out wat... I'm trying all means to find out wat so that I can at least think straight and walk straight.My mind is "missing...". Thats dangerous considering i most of the time speak even without thinking... That's really dangerous for my case considering the information in my head is not really being prosesed properly.... I just speak wat comes to mind...
Anyway i suppose i'll just have to go now... I know that I can't sleep but it's way pass my bed time... I'm actually up also to see the meteor shower though the time it will happen is at 2am.. Dunno if i can last till then... :P Well, i'll have to try sleep now... Need to wake up early tomorro to start revising my works....
*sigh*

a thought.....

I dunno but something has been talking to me or rather speacking to me... It maybe my thoughts, it maybe God but it was rather wierd for me... It just got me going...
This is wat the voice said to me....
u are alife right now cause u have a purpose here on earth.... You(that's me) are alive to care for others not to be cared, to help not be helped, to love not to be loved, to support not to be supported..... You r here to make a difference in ppl's life....Even though your life maybe just horrible, there is a reason to it... And the reason is to understand ppl and help them... You do make a difference in the world... YOu do help ppl out in their life... Without you....The world would be different...It maybe different in a small way but that small way may some how some way or another be a big influence... Your away from home to not only learn but help those around.Your life is planned by God...There is a reason why you are still alive now after 3 close calls(i nearly died 3 times).So don't worry to much and don't stress to much cause you are doing something and making a change in someones life today... Just your presence helps.....
It's kinda wierd but I've been hearing this voice going on and on for the whole evening.... It actually kept me thinking... I might as well just live through it though life may seem horrible... I maybe suffering from broncitis or wateva nonsence but i suppose there's always a reason for everything... Everything happens for a reason no matter wat it is.... I may die 1 day by accident cause I AM ment to die.. I may become the 1st Prime Minister for all i know cause I AM ment to be 1.... There is always a reason and those things that happen in life well... :) just happens....
I suppose I'm starting to talk crab... :P it's pass my bed time... Anyways... good nights.... :)

getting from bad to worse..

*sigh*
everythings getting from bad to worse.... I remembered the time where me and my classmates were talking this topic on suicide... It was mainly coz it was 1 of our moral project thingy.... Anyways, there were questionairs being passed around and the main question was... Have you ever thought of commiting suicide? I remembered 1 of my frens saying that its darn normal for every human being to be thinking so but is it actually true???
By the way, the truth is I DID thought of it.Not once but many times but never actually did it... :P that's y I'm still here.... I'm not saying that I'm thinking of doing so now.. Just the thought of it now scares me... But anyway, back to the point... Well, since I'm suffering with my health and my future, sometimes i just wish some1 would shoot me from behind or even a car knocking me or a sudden health attack which currently kinda scares me.... I remember when I was younger,I used to always pray to God...
Dad,ur my only daddy that really care.I care about the world even though they don't care about me.I'm willing to give up my life just to save others cause I've found u and m happy.Give other ppl a chance to live a life in finding u and in making the world a better place.. Make them chance the world to the better.Make them live dad..... In Jesus name,Amen.
I remembered i kept prayin the same prayer if not every month, every year.That was like since my grandmother passed away.She was the only 1 who actually cared about me at that time.I didn't realize it till she was gone... I was like the last person to say goodbye to her before she left us.I didn't even cry when she left.. I had no feeling at all... Not until a few years after that. I soon realize that I was her favourite grandchild.That I was actually being loved and I felt it... Then i started crying... Praying yet again....
God, why did u take her away from me. She was the only 1on this earth that actually loved me.Why couldn't they change my heart with hers.(that time the had holes in her heart and i didn't know anything about bio)Y Lord... I don't mind leaving this horrible world just to let my grandma live.Why didn't u let her live to she her children grow and to see her grandchildren grow... Why???
...lol... those were the time....those were the prayers.... those were the silent memories I normally have when I'm quiet....
These all leads to the fact that I'm having lotsa pressure.Considering my health,my class test have been dropping and thats bad considering my mocks like in less then 2 months away... Pluss I have pressure from parenst in what future I should take.In waht path I should take....What if I don't do as well as i should. Wat if i don't reach the qualifications to whateva uni.... Why can't all thses worry just disappear?!
Yesterday my health didn't improve.I skip the whole day of classes.Ok ok... Actually I went for bio lab which was at 830am.. It's not like we were using any smelly chemicals... nothing at all.. but before classes even started, I was already panting and my chest hurt again.So i went back and called my dad and taken my medications to class.... Halfway, I couldn't walk straight and I started felling faint.So I took the medications... not knowing that I would feel more faint and that it was coz of the medication which made me couldn't actually see straight.(thanks to dad).. Anyways, I told my lecturer that I was feeling faint... She said I did look kinda ill these few days or rather weeks.She told me to rest a while then continue my experiment but I just couldn't last so I asked to be excused from class... At my hostel,i slept for more than 3 hours. In the afternoon, I felt kinda better...
These attacks come on and off...It really irratates me some where or another.... I just don't have the mood to actually communicate with anyone but yet there are times i just needed encouragement.I don't even have the energy to talk to anyone nowadays.I don't have the energy to argue like i always do :P. I don't have the energy to layan anyone.I just don't have the energy to open my mouth basically... ;p
Well, I suppose i gotta be going now... Just thought I would rest my mind after 1 1/2 hours of work non stop... My mind is just in the blues now.. Am currently waiting for somethings exciting and cheerful to happen in my life... :P Hope this depression won't last long cause I can feel that it's actually killing me....
Now it's back to my books.... I gotta catch up with lotsa things which I've missed during the period which I've lost in my ever sickly days... :P

I'm serious but..

But i think my life is really ending soon... I'm serious about this.... I've never mentioned it before but then... Well, the thing is that I never can see and never could feel what my future would be.It's as if I would never make it to the future.I just can't see myself in the future.It's as if I would never make it there..I'm not crazy or anything but my sences are normally right and if this is so then..... well... I'll just have to wait.. Esp with my attacks which has been already quite frequent.I just dunno wat to think.I just can't see myself having a job, having a husband, having kids, having seeing my family grow, goin to frens weddings and things like that.. It's as if I could just go anytime... I mean I did died or rather nearly died twice..... Maybe God gave me a chance to live and see the meaning of life... I understnad more about life.I understand ppl more, I forgive easily, I care for ppl's needs, I worry wen anyone has a prob, I'm just someone different... I normally live life to it's fullest knowing that I could die any day or any hour or any minute.... This may sound crazy but thats wats on my mind...
The last serious attack was on wed night.Around midnight.That time I was all alone in my room.Li Yien and Wendy went out yam cha for amost 2 hours pluss and my house mates couldn't hear me coz they were watching a movie in the room.That night not only could i not breathe and my chest hurt but then, i was cold and practically shivering.I couldn't talk... Ok ok.. I could but it took alot of energy to do so.I was so scared and alone, I didn't know wat to do.Tried contacting my cuz who's a doc in kl but he neer replied til next mornin....So the only option was to go hospital even though my dad would kill me for doin so..As I was about to open the main door,there was a n knock.And behold, my 2 buddies were there... When they saw me, the were like "Y,wats wrong"... At that time I couldn't really talk to all i did was showed my shaking hands and the rest they knew... Next moment, my roomate just came back.Next thing I knew it I was in the hospital with 1 of the worse services being given to me....But then they still charge me without giving anything or even helpin me out..
Am now back home.... *sniff* ... I can't go near dogs or animals for that case.... That means my dream of becomin a vet is all gone....Which leaves me 2 option... Architecture or performing arts.... My parents haven said anything about that so may I could at least do performing arts... Yeah!!! :) Then again, my dream of studyin in UK wouldn't happen I suppose... I think the next place where I'll be at is at Australia next year where everbody is though I just wanna go to a different place and be...well.... different...
I've learned alot being in kl... Maybe thats wat God has lead me.To actually great frens like u all and to open up and see what life really is... Maybe I was ment to find out the hard way that science IS just not for me and that there are other things i could do make make a difference in ppl's life..... Maybe.. just maybe this was all planned out... Even my illness and my health.. There's always a meaning to everything... Be it failing exams,being dumped, losing a fren,losing ur life or losing a loved 1...I just dunno wat to say about wat God has on mind... Staying faithful may also be a prob....But i do try... I wouldn't wanna be lost again without GOd... Next thing I know it I'd the the 1 jumping off a buildin or sum thing..lol... coi.coi.coi.... :P
Anyways... I suppose now all I have to do is finish up my alevels and continue life as it is....Hope my parents don c this... :P they would think i'm phyco... :)
Well, till next time I suppose.... :)