SHUTT UP!!!

Y can't d world shut up
I had enuf of everythin
It tears my heart,
hurts my mind,
but funny thing
it doesn't make me go mentally.

How can i hold much longer;
seekin life s a happy thing
Having hope all the time
Wanting, wishing
everything wud be ok in the end.
Easy to see,
easy to say
yet hard to have.
I'm better in helping others
but can't seem to help myself.
How can it be i say;
how can i be.

My mind spins
n works freely
Voices in my head,
Can't seem to stop;
I juz wanna live life in peace.
Knowing tat nothing wud bother me
or hurt me no more.

How cud i handle
Alone the hurtfulness I've felt.
The sufferin I've had
Not many knows wat i've gone through
Not many knows how i feel
Not many cares the way i do for them.

Missing paradise,
Missing comfort,
Missing my childhood,
Missing love,
Losing my feelings,
Losing my mind,
Losing my sense of direction.
How cud tis happen to me;
all so many times
all so frequent
Ever so long.......

Trust!!!

Wat izit... I don't seem to care these days or so it seems.Dunno but sumtimes i juz feel like i need to release my thoughts.Normally after i do tat i tend to forget wat i juz stressed myself about.So ya in away it's good.But sumthing i totally fear is tat telling may back fire.Ah wells,wat can i say.The world's not perfect rite?
Secrets r ment to be told not kept to suffer for life.Pains r ment to be shared not kept to break ur heart.Feelings r ment to be shared to bond a relationship.Words r ment to be said to start off a frenship.Wisdom is ment to be shared to make the world a better place.Music is created to heal souls.
I've been looking toward a new light for sum reason i dunno how it started.Life may seem painful but i ignore it n juz look toward another world out there.My mind spins n vanishes frm the real world making life a plesent place for me.
I may not die till along time(fortune teller told me i'll live until old age).She also told me tat my life wud be better,plesent,healthier n happier after age 30 n tats where i juz can't seem to make time go faster.Being healthy n happy is sumthing i juz look forward to.
Being sumbody is better then being a nobody.Being poor is better then being rich wen ur happy.Being ugly is better then being pretty wen ppl like u.Being stupid is better then being smart wen sumone cares for u.Being retarded is better then being normal wen the world seems perfect...
But knowing myself i suppose i'm a person tat tries changing things for the better instead of worse no matter how much energy it takes or no matter how i don't wanna do it.It's juz my nature to make life easier for others then myself....

Tom-Boy

Now tats sumthing i haven heard for ages.Esp wen refering to me =)
My jazz orchestra frens keep callin me tat for sum reason i dunno.Mayb coz of my short hair n how i like defending myself alot..heheh..Tat's y have been wearin skirts lately to show out my feminine side... ;)
No la... Actually it's coz my pants r gettin too big for me.Am actually losing weight even though i'm tryin hard to gain it.Been feeling kinda sick n still m.
Can't seem to eat.Everytime i do i feel like vomittin(I'm not pregnant)... I have gastric very often.So even if i cud eat i'll get gastric pain straight away. Not forgettin my early stage bronchitis is back.Can't seem to breathe properly.Shallow breathing.Having chest pains like last year again n feeling ever so tired easily.
I juz gotta get outa stress.It's killing me faster.Tat's y trying to stay far frm it.Once if sumone gets me mad or hurts me,I'll juz walk away.Normally I'll defend myself or answer back but i juz can't find the energy to do so.I'll get chest pains or difficulty breathing if i stress myself too much.I know i wanna die so much for along time but not while sufferin.... =)

Kl trip

It wasn't tat bad at the very begining...I only started feeling really stressed out on sat afternoon.

Fri
We left at 2pm.... Had quite fun... Having to look after a bunch of monkeys is really tough.Esp gals...(nvr knew tat.tot it was suppose to b the other way round)
Tat day i've already been feeling kinda sick... But wells i juz cudn't wait to be in kl again...heheh.We reached kl in the evening.It has been raining there so iwas quite cold.dang!! i din even bring any sweater.Met afew of my old class mates.Prob is i seem to hav forgotten her name... ;p woops.I'm very bad at remembering names.In kl,was suppose to get together wif my march alevel frens though i wasn't actually invited officially.But juz cudn't no matter how much i wanted.Tat nite we had a strange youth vespers.Then after tat we all practiced awhile then wen back to rest... At tat time i juz felt spiritually recovering.I nvr knew how much i actually missed the church.How much i missed playing in the church expressing my feelings through music.How feeling the ppl having the burning desire to continue worshipping the Lord instead of juz comin to church every week like a routine n nothing more. We all slept quite late.Considerin how i'm a light sleeper i hardly had any sleep the whole time.There is always 1 of the gals kicking me or their hp's start ringing or sumthing....

Sat(sabbath)
How my spiritual life which was darn low for the pass months is still recharging.Felt happier... Familiar faces gave me smiles.Kl youth did their prog 1st.Made all of us nervous considerin their special music was good.But in the end everything wen good though not smoothly.I was again the pianist after along time.Felt good again.Our special music wasn't smooth but thank god everyone continued with the tempo,din slow din or got softer.All eyes were on me coz everyone din wanna get too scared.I was doin the 1st solo.Sorta nervous.My voice is not the powerful voice though i'll consider it ok only.2nd solo was suppose to be done by another gal but she din practise.I was sorta scared at the 2nd solo section coz the choir normally had problem there.And since i was doin 1st soprano then,sopranos don't seem to have any sound if not then they're out a little.So at tat time i was suppose to help out the solo n sing my part all the same time.But suddenly on tat area i juz frozeeeee awhile.It's like i juz stood there starin in the air.Then suddenly realizin it i helped the solo awhile then continued singin my part....But overall it was ok... Benjamin did the sermon.They say his good n i think he's the best overall the youth.Not including me la...heheh... Coz i consider myself still better in a way ;p Though he has english prob and read quite frequent everyone was listening to him which was a good thing.I wanted the youth to preach but none wanted to.If Benj din agree to take it,I'll have to do the sermon as well... So oh well... Maybe ppl listen to him coz his goodlookin n coz of his smile or so tats wat i've heard but i dunno..Maybe it's juz coz of his humour.Now tats outta way afternoon was the worse.Very complicating to explain but it juz gave me alot of stress.Thank god for Dr Kwok and afew other ppl...Nite time oso we went to eat at Harts.Eewww....I dunno y i oso wen there coz i felt totally sick there.I hardly ate and i felt like vomittin.So i left the group and wen round the mall(Sunway Pyramid).There was tis person tat juz cudn't stop botherin me.Considered how stressed i am i juz wanted to be quiet and by myself.But it seems everywhere i wanna go he's there.Normally i'd talk no matter how irretatin a person maybe but i was juz too tired and too stressed so juz wanted to be alone awhile to think things through.I juz had too much on my mind.Things tat seem to be bothering me since we reached kl tat is.After tat short walk i felt a little better though still had tummyache n felt like vomittin.I din participated in the social nite.Juz din feel well to hav fun.But after everyone wen home the gals n i all talked and laughed till midnite.We were talking about the guys frm our church making fun bout them ;p n juz talkin about funny moments n weird n scary ppl....Felt like a mother telling her kids stories then... lol.. kinda funny can't to think about it. :) By midnight i was juz too tired.But the younger 1s had soooo much energy to continue talking and laughin.So us 3 older gals wen to bed.The younger 1s were laughin soo loud every few min which irritated me.So i "SHHHHH..."-ed them.Then after doin so i cudn't sleep so lookin at the time i told them "gals it's 230 already.." After tat they all rushed to bed.

Sun
I seem to wake up before 6am.Don't ask me y.My alarm was set at 605am but i juz always seem to wake up before my alarm.So i brushed my teeth,washed my face,walked around and did sum thinking....The gals din wake up though their alarms ring.They were juz too tired.So 2 of us older gals had to push the gals to get ready for our visit to another church.The gals were all not ready n the guys din know how to make breakfast.Even the adults.So it was a practically rushy mornin coz even the guys slept,woke up and arrived late to the church.I was pushin everyone but no1 seemed to move till our transport came.
Church service was an eye opening for everyone.I suppose sum of them enjoyed n sum juz had shoppin on their minds coz the gals left early.They told me they cudn't stand it but soon after i found out they juz wanted to shop.Wat the heck.Din wanna think about it too much.The remaining ppl enjoyed the sermon thank god.The whole service finish very late so we were kinda late for the shoppin.We wen to pyramid(the mall) anyways.Met li again after so long :)Talked all the way till i had to leave.Wangzi,another music gang was leaving for China the same day but i din really had time to chat.Don't think i'll be seeing him until a very very long time later.Our group is really splittin.
Anyways,we were all suppose to meet at the entrance at 215 but everyone din arrive till pass 230pm which made the adults n me quite mad.Dunno la.After the session of stress and anger everything wen back to fun and laughter again.Thank goodness... So like sum ppl wud say things went well after didn't it.>!!! Dunno la...


I'm now spiritually recharged.Members ask me to take back my post as youth leader but i don't think i sud.They also say tat my choir was very good.They din exactly catch the mistake we made.Now i have to 'chia'(treat) the choir ppl on ice kacang though sum don't deserve it.I only promised those tat sum all the time for practise with responsibility.Wat the heck.It's oni RM1 per bowl...
Now typing tis i'm still feelin sick.Dad don't seem to wanna treat me.So i think i gotta go clinic by myself but i dunno which clinic to go n how i'll handle it coz i know sumthing is terribly wrong wif me now...Oh wells... I'm juz taking things as it is now.Don't really like to say much to things.Don't wanna stress myself too much coz tat makes me feel even sicker....

Part Timers

Lol...Juz went to Jessie's blog... Don't think part time boyfren or galfren actually existed.It's either ur a couple onot... heheh... Never actually thought about the part time bf gf thingy... heheh. Kinda cool can't to think of it.If anyone of u going through tat now juz let me know ya... Sounds interesting... heheh..
Test subjects....*testing* ;p

Sum VIP From Melacca

Last nights performance was quite fun i must say.Or maybe it's coz i'm juz soo recharged frm the weekend... :p All but 1 thing.We were playing for the gobernor of Melacca or sumthing and the CM was there too... Lets juz say those tat attented were Ministers and their wifes.Important ppl?I don't think I'd consider them tat.I'm more important then them...heheh...
My clarinetist partner(tis old man) seems to be pissing me off alot.. He thinks he's so great since he's played the clarinet for 30+ years and write pieces for my bos before.But well,he's not very great.I'd rather learn violin frm my bos then learn the clarinet frm him.And for ur info my boss' violin playing sucks worse then mine.Sum more tis old guy has bad breath and has been whistling next to me the whole night.Boy,did tat make me sick at times.Wen he plays the wrong note or his instrument goes flat he then turns to me telling me tat I'm wrong and m playing the wrong note... Wat the *toot*.... rite??? Yup..
I juz ignore tis kinda ppl.I was trying to be nice the moment he came.But he acted like sum big shot even though he drives a broken down small(but cute) van ;p
Anyways,the whole show was kinda draggy.... I actually slept during the speech..Nearly fell outta my chair while sleeping.Hopefully the camera wasn't on me at tat time.Darn boring and no feelings to the speech.I wonder how they even gotta be Ministers.No wonder Malaysians never inprove.It's coz the speeches bore ppl....
1st part of the show,the combo was playing.Kinda fun actually... wanted to sing along.But din know the words though i know the tune quite well....heheh... I like this song called Love.Have been looking for the nice version of jazz for quite sumtime.But forgot i was looking for it after tat.... lol.... Then there was tis guy whos about my age(so they say),sang the P Ramlee song.I don't really like his voice but tats the outcum of it.He was 1 of the bintang P Ramlee or sumthing.But the song he sang last nite was cute and the ministers liked it... heheh... Boss played his violin solo.His intonation totally sucks.Cudn't bare hear wat he was playing actually.... Bluekkkk!!!
2nd session we played....kinda messy.I din know who to listen to and follow.The speaker was next to me and my fluty fren and sum of the guys had their own mics.... Man I wanna so learn improvisation... It's darn cool.I can only play better on the piano then any other instrument.
3rd part is the traditional dancing...Kinda laughed quite alot at this session...The dances flopped abit here and there and the way they preesented was sorta cool.Made me think about the time i dance those dances in primary.... =)
But the whole thing dragged till 11pm.Was darn tired at tat time.Din wanna drive back.Lazy.But tats the only way i cud get back.Thank goodness my car din break down.I actually forgot to fill the tank and the whole journey was long...
Oh wells,...tats last nite...
Can't wait for the Jazz Festival.Hopefully it's on.I'm so so very looking forward to it....

Last night was at orchestra practise instead of the last nite of the rain forest festival.I'm juz darn pissed off at ppl who think their better then u juz becoz they've played the instrument longer then u have... Esp my partner.He's this stupid old man who thinks he's good and totally blames it on his clarinet wen he can't play at all... Damn rite!? Then he knocked my poor baby(clarinet) on the hard stage and blames it saying tat I sudn't put it there but wen i actually put it in a considered safe place.I wasn't holding my clarinet coz my stupid stand fell down.Kononnya my fail too heavy.... lol... But other then tat I had losta laugh wif my good flutist fren,Clane and the other ppl.Heheh.... though I'm chinese I seem to always mix better wif non chinese ppl.Or maybe tat only happens in Kuching.
It was juz COLD last nite.didn't know tat...We will be performing at Dewan Undangan Negeri tonight.Playing for sum governor from Melacca and the rest of those Menteri.Another 30 min drive(if got jam). *sigh* how i hate driving.
Hopefully tonight wud be good though those ppl wud be eating in front of us.... Don't think they'd bother.They maybe more concerned on their food...lol... heheh
Well,we won't be playing the whole night.There would be sum combo playing,my boss wud be playing his electric violin which sounds totally fake,there wud be traditional dances and stuff..... So tats about it i suppose...
Heheh... after all i'm being paid wat.... =)

Wat a weekend....

It was wat i was looking forward to....Rain Forest Music Festvial... Never actually gone there though it has been held every year.It's either parents don't let, got exams or just wasn't around. But this time i made an effort to go and boy was i glad i did....
For the pass few weeks I was feeling like a bummer.I had no sense of direction and lost every single sight of anything.I suppose MUSIC is my life after all....I felt like i was in a different world dispite the messy setting throughout the end and a few scary moments... :p I felt recharged for the 1st time in ages.But sad to say i only went for 2days though it's a 3day thingy.I'll start from day 1.

Day 1(fri)
Reached at 2 sumthing.Came down with Dan and Eva.Sickening journey considerin I have to drive more the 30min.My longest I've driven journey....I think(though going around town is longer i think) Never liked driving.Prefer being driven.... Anyways,I wanted to go to the workshop considerin I wasn't gonna cum the next day.It was fun there though it was kinda hot and humit.Spotted a few frens and stuff then just hanged around. Then Wennie outta the blues decided to cum so we wet her there.I actually sorta felt outta place the whole night considerin i was wif coupled ppl.But all i did was just enjoy the music.heheh....But tat feeling actually din last.Got a phone call from dad which actually ruined my mood after tat.How i hate it wen my famile members call me wen i'm having a good time.There was tis group who made their own instrument.Pretty cool but rather boring and messy if u ask me.The harp was made in 27 years, the violin in 10days and their guitar in 7-8days....It was totally cool.But it sounded not s it seems.Rather messy.Wanted to stay till the end but alas had to go back coz Dan was leaving the next day. *sigh* Wished i stayed though.Dan was suppose to drive back down but then he looked sleepy and tired so i had to drive down again.Driving both Eva and Dan back home was scary.We had to go through tis dark area just to sen them home.Thank God for Wennie.. :)

Day 2(sat)
Feeling sucky frm the call yesterday.Wanted to find a way to get conforted again.Wanted to hav the same recharged feeling again.Tired contacting frens to seek comfort but to no success...Went to church feeling like shit.Kept thinking of going back there again but then i had orchestra practise and had performance on monday nite.Considerin I'm a devoted kinda person I din wanna miss my rehearsals.
But i felt super horrible and wanted to be recharged again... So in the end I got my uncle,sister and Pauline to go with me... heheh... I just needed tat feeling again.It was like a drug to me. =) I finished my choir practise in the afternoon full of pressure frm the members itself.Wish they were more responsible and concerned about our trip to kl tis weekend.
Oh wells,left around 4 sumthing.Me=driver again.Was looking forward for tat nights performance.The night before,me and Wennie tried looking for William who just came bck frm studies.But we failed.I walked around, ate, thought myself through.Was just waiting for the music to start.But then finally wen it did boy did it start kinda boring.... All those Parkistan and watever....The boring part was in the begining but the better ones at the end... Smart ppl rite? =) I was begining to fell so bored i went to look for Wennie.Tat is where i found William by accident...heheh... So 3 of us just walked around and talked till the fun group was up... Then I actually lost them in the crowd.. I wanted to take a few pics and video.I wanted to be at the front... There i met a few other frens.Kinda weird coz instead of me actually spotting them,they seem to spot me better then i do.. woops ;p heheh... Was too concern on getting to my destination. lol
I went from stage 1 to stage 2.It was sorta scary.esp being by myself and stuff... Wished had frens following me around but i'm a person who's good at going through crowds.Maybe it's coz i'm small or maybe ppl just seem to let me through...A few times i saw gals passing out.There were times i felt like giving a hand but on the other hand i didn't think it was a good idea.The problem wif me is I HATE BEING NICE but it's JUST MY NATURE....
Half way my uncle said he wanted to go home.But then again,I SO SO wanted to stay.I din wanna miss tat nites show no matter wat.So did Wennie so we tried getting ways to bring him home.Sum frens ask me to drive him down then drive back up...CRAZY. No way ho-zay.I'm not tat desperate. Thank goodness coz in the end he agreed to stay a little longer.So I enjoyed the rest of the night.At the end of it i was totally recharged though tired.Cudn't have felt better.Didn't wan tat nite to end.But it just had to.... They had the old spice boys, tis scottish group, gypsys'.....Can't remember...
Went back at midnight though it wasn't really finished.I drove everyone back home.By the time i got home at 1 sumthing i was totally out!!!!

I'm just glad i went though i missed the last night.I've never been to it and it's my last year here.... so i suppose wats ment to be wud be so.... =)

Lost but found then lost again.

It's been forever since i've actually gone out with a bunch of frens.It's either our time don't fit each other or i'm just too lazy to go out.I always end up driving so i normally juz cancel the whole plan considering how much i juz hate driving.
I was in terible shape through for these pass few days.Being online juz makes me feel better.Thanks to sum of u guys.Normally music wud help me but now my house is under renovation so it's very noisy.I sumtimes juz leave the house and drive around juz to let my thoughts wonder more instead of juz thinking on applications.
At times i juz wanna run away and forget everything.I just wanna have fun again.
Tonight was a total different story.Was suppose to have orchestra but as usual bos din cum so we ended up juz signing again then leaving.Normally I'd juz go home but I was invited to go yam cha.I suprised myself by actually going and we ended up talking and eating away till 10 pluss.... The thing with hanging out with musician is a total different atmosphere compared to juz normal daily ppl truely speaking.I really miss those times last year wen with my music gang.Really brings back good memory.heheh...
Being sad and happy is sumthing complicating for me.1 moment i'm happy and the next i feel horrible.I wan my life to be a fairy tale.Juz for once i want things to cum to me easily and nicely instead of being awfully messy.....

My dream

I have had many dreams since a child and 1 of them is going to UK or Italy and having a happy home.Going out wif frens and being happy.I suppose tat dream wud stay a dream forever....
Parents ask me day and night without fail bout my future.Wat i wanna do?where i wanna go? But the thing is they never respect my decision making in anything.I wanted to do veterinatry science.Tat was like my dream.But now i can't coz i'm allergic to mites.So my 2nd option is music.But still they don really agree.Y? I do not know. I've decided to study in UK.My dream place.But it seems dad wud rather spend his money on my brothers to study there or my stupid cousin who always changes Uni.Dad says it's his responsibility.... My foot....
*sigh* Things cudn't get worse.Mum says it's coz dad can't afford to send me there.The question is y do they simply spend their money.The money I've been saving all my life incase of emergency oso was spent on my college education without me knowing it.I didn't want to use tat money for my college but mum combined all my bank account which ends is where i pay my college fees.I seriously dunno wat to do now... I don't wanna study music locally.It totally sucks.And I wanna go far frm home.I just hate this place here...Esp wen 1 person can feel absolutely lonely here.Wat can i say.I just need my space u know... I wanna die..
Isn't tat juz the best way to solve things... ;P
I juz dunno wat to do any more.Everywhere i go,watever i do I seem to be thinking of this problem all the time.Wat sud i do i juz dunno.I wish an angel wud pick me up rite now and throw me into the ocean....



Blogger: Post a Comment

I dunno wat to think rite now... All I'm thinking is my applications.Sud i go in Sept?? or sud i not?! I wrote down reasons y i sud go n y i sudn't.It seems tat the sed go beats the sudn't ;p but then again.My ticket.I'm willing to pay after all it's RM120 altogether only back and forth.But the 1 thing i fear is my mum's yacking. I'm just hoping the intake is sum where end of Sept or at least middle of Sept so at least i get a chance of not wasting my ticket to kl ;p
I seem to be down in the blues again.I just need company at times or frens to be with but most the time i keep thinking tat I'll be bothering them or they mite already be fed up wif me.I dunno wat else i sud do.I dunno wat else to think.I dunno where else to turn.I'm turning into an insane weirdo....