life goes on

Although hurt i find myself smiling with my chin up high.
All i needed was sleep to make me realize and understand things better. And I have. A dream was just all i needed to give me that little sign... (=
There, i had roughly the same issues of being hurt and feeling horrible. Nothing else could beat that feeling. As I *sigh* walking around the spaces available. I was suppose to have a medical check up which i wasn't i didn't feel like doing. Some how E was there and medical check up was done. He saw the results for me and sent it to be mailed.(i dunno what that was all about). Made me realize that YOU do care and I'm eternity greatful for that. You have always seem like an angel to me. Like my big brother and I'm glad to have known you. You were always there for me when I feel like crap or when I'm in gladness.
I feel better now then the previews weeks. (= Thank goodness for that. It's time to move on. Time to stand up for myself instead of shutting up. Time to put things in the open instead of keeping them to yourself. It's time to let things go and learn from the shits around.
conclusion? ppl cannot be trusted. words cannot be believed until proven. Actions can be fake and there is no such thing as love(mentioned this more then 3 times on this blog).....

and i smile with confidence (=
the world goes on

i totally understand how it feels

After breaking more then a dozen hearts now i totally understand how it really feels. Sure, i sense the pain they are facing but it's not as painful as it really is.
yup... I'm laughing at myself right now just thinking about it. How could I be so stupid but to even have feelings? How could I let my heart lead myself into this ridiculous situation?
Suppose to be doing some listening exercise but waiting for the online web-page to upload.
Trying to be strong,not to cry but it's hard.
Feeling jealous and ridiculously stupid.
What is real? I haven't any idea. All i know is that words can't be trusted AT ALL!!! All I ask for is a little effort and a little 'sign'.
This is stupid i know but i wish i had alcohol drowning my thoughts. hmmm.... Wish i could play the piano the whole night drowning music through my mind. Wish I had a furry animal with me. Wish I knew the truth. Wish I knew what is real and what's not. Wish I could be somebody else. I've no money in the atm so i can't possibly feel any better considering I can't go out shopping or watch a movie or rock climbing. And to make it worse, the air at home sucks - no fresh air.
What else could be any better having a bad singing lesson although Mr M was really nice to me.
Time for work now...
Duty calls...

my heart aches

*sigh*
the only thing i seem to be doing alot this week.
Depression, sadness, frustration....
I don't even think you read this.

To think or have that feeling hurts.
it hurts so much that i feel like crying.
To keep it a secret is a sin,
but yet to let the world know seems wrong.
maybe the weather is getting to me
or maybe it's how i've been feeling all along.
maybe it's the months i totally dislike(July and August)
or maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me.

Missing so much.
Those times when we would talk late nights
speeding home hoping to be home by midnight.
missing the sound of comfort
missing the warmth feeling
missing the thought of things.

waiting and hoping....
something i shouldn't have done
needing to be proven
instead of believing words.
What's wrong with me.

No mood to talk to people I usually talk to.
Wanting to be alone yet wanting company.
Forcing a smile
drowning myself in practising.
hurting myself in doing so....

And the world continues to spin around.....

Me with my siblings. They say 3's a bad number but oh wellz.... 

How did he do that?

Today was my 1st day of singing lessons.. yup. singing.
I was nervous coz I've never gone for any singing lessons at all. Mum only practises with me. She doesn't teach me. But i have a grade 5 in it.
Was going to chicken out. Was wondering how my teacher would look like. Was hoping he was some old, short, gentle guy. And it was kinda frightening going to a house of a person you don't know, taking lessons.
When i heard his voice, i was like "whoa!!" He has a nice voice. Then when I saw him, he was the opposite from my thoughts. He was a little taller then i, cute, young(about 2 years after graduate), nice and 'quite' funny.
His place was nice although he says looks messy. He's a fan of Alias(your fren,lyn) =). He's got the whole series of it on his shelf. He's on musical theater which is one of my dreams =) and he has this cute facial expression esp when acting dumb.
Overall? I've never had such fun in a music lesson before. Seriously. We did technical work which was quite fun but challenging. I reached to 2 octaves E(when i used to only reach high G uncomfortably) and low F(used to reach G uncomfortably). I was amazed. There was a sense of great accomplishment. I felt happy and i was smiling most the time.
He was talking about chest voice, head voice and falsetto. Rather interesting.
To my surprise, he also recorded the whole lesson for my own practise although it's a pity he can't play the piano. I have to sing without the piano which gives me more pressure hearing more of my voice then blending together with the accompaniment.
He kept asking if I've ever had lessons before. I said "no". My 1st exam was grade 5. He was amazed telling me that I was already quite good. lol... That made me feel even better today.
I wonder how next week will be. All i have to do is listen to the cd and practise at least twice before next lesson.
I'm not a fan of practising.(piano is an exception)

Bck to winter cold

Returned to Aussie feeling strange. This weird feeling came over me. About everything. Couldn't sleep the whole journey and felt like vomitting. Felt a little dizzy. Been feeling cold and chilly lately. Even in the heat at times. Now bck in the cold is kinda drastic. It's raining and really windy here.
Btw,Thanx ean for those gifts. You really didn't have to.

My week caught me off guard. Suprises everywhere..... Unexpected happenings.
Dad congratulate me on a good show once i entered the front door. Mum for once actually thanked me for helping her in this musical play. Overall, they said it was good all but the lights and a little of the sound. Hearing about all this actually gave me a great sense of satisfaction and achievement.. =) Wish I visited grandma 1 last time before i left though...
*sigh*

I was so worried about my results that my mind kept wondering off so much for the pass few weeks. I was expecting music history to fail coz i didn't sleep that night and was really sick but in fact i only needed 1-2 more marks to get a distinction. lol.... I was laughing my head out after looking at my results. All my results were unexpected in both a good and bad way. So overall I passed everything with average results. Not expecting much. I'm not those brainiacs and weirdos of the con so I'm quite satisfied with myself. At least I'm going somewhere.... =)
All I need to do now is settle my enrolment and classes. Hopefully that goes well...

Reached Aussie to find out that my new nano ipod got stolen from my luggage. The hurt I felt when I realized it was gone. That was why I felt so funny the whole time of the flight. I just baught tat thing and hardly used it. Was kinda excited about it but now I have to figure out what to do. Maybe get another one with higher memory. And to think I nearly got the one with 4-5G. Glad i didn't.

Listening to music from rain forest. Makes my mind relaxed. Makes me crave more for music. Crave more for the freedom music gives. Craveness of the future. Am definately looking forward to the future... =)

my god sisters(consider them as they are)... taken at bing!! a place they fell in love with... ;p miss them already.... 

"The Sorcerer"

Just finished.
Relieved yet not happy about it.
Everything went crazy. Mic was noisy and certain parts the battery died. Lighting? Those stupid lazy idiots don't even bother following the script. I went over the whole thing with them more then 5 times. They just depended on the moving spot light. I had to run from left stage to right then to the front of the hall and back again just to make sure everything is in order. I think overall I worked the hardest. I was practically cursing when the lights wasn't switched off and mum got the orchestra to play instead of waiting for my que. That's the problem when they all don't take things seriously and listen to me.
Crowd?? Sad.... Hall wasn't filled. With everything going wrong I felt like I didn't do a good job. Not many ppl noticed how much work i've been putting on running up and down and stuff. Felt terrible. And not to mention on the program sheet, they put me as assistant stage manager while the stage manager was some unknown malay fella whom we have never seen. Talk about ppl taking all the credits from the efforts I do. Happens all the time for my case.
Didn't know whether to cry, scream or hide myself. I hate it all... Only a few came up to me to say well done. And those ppl are not the ppl I expected to say anything to me.
With the pictures and camera video recording, now I wished i didn't get them or paid them. The whole thing was shit. There goes my savings. One of the camera man came up to me congratulating me which made me feel better. When I came home, dad came down the stairs straight away to do the same. I was surprised but what the heck. I don't wanna think about it.
I wanna practise piano and get back to uni.
Which reminds me over again not to ever come bck home to work here or do anything here coz nobody gives a damn. Especially when it's a muslim country with majority of the population being the laziest ppl around.
Can't wait to leave this sad place....

Headache strikes

Hot day.
Guilt strikes my heart.
Confusion? That attacks my mind.
Headache and rumbling tummy....
Today was too complicating for me.

Musical is getting on the way.
Video recording and percussionist player all settled. THanks to my wonderful frens.
The MC was suprise for me being the stage manager.
Aunties walking past me whispering loudly saying I should go for the Ms Sarawak competition.
Musical tunes from orchestra was hurtful enough for me.
Light complication.

I wish I could say what my heart feels but my mind doesn't understand it.
The reason I distant myself from the world is to run from hurting ppl. From creating problem and suffering. This was the main reason of hating myself.

I can't wait for the performance. Hopefully it will go well. Recording? I'm funding it. All my money. Got the ppl to sponsor on the next production though.
My whole body hurts from running around getting ppl to do their part properly. LIghtings, sound, solos, acting part, choir, props.....
I need to get away from this confusing place. I need to get bck into my own music world. That's the safest place I can be right now....

musical

This saturday night.
"The Sorcerer"
My role? Stage director. 1st time ever doing it and I think I'm doing an ok job. Ppl are starting to listen to me. Maybe coz the performance date getting nearer and they all starting to get worried. Kinda excited about it yet i wish the ministry would have put more effort into making better props and customes and getting it recorded or selling tickets and advertising it.
The choir and solos have improved quite alot since the 1st time i saw them rehearsing when I got back. So I'm proud of that. The orchestra sucked though. That part mum's taking care of.
Am hoping tonights practise will go well.

I'm so tired out from everything here. Haven been having enough sleep since I came home and have been doing alot of things like the rain forest and the musical and being the driver and teaching and stuff.... Can't to think of it, holiday is almost over and it's bck to the routine of waking up at 5am every morning which is 3am(Malaysian time).

Godsisters left yesterday. Kinda miss them. Dunno when the next time I'll see them again. 1 is leaving for UK soon and the other has just graduated.
Since they left, i have to start practising 4 hours a day starting today... soon....

Can't wait to really get a good sleep....

P/S:- Jess, could u pass me the link to ur blog again? I lost the link... Thanks

Rain Forest Music Festival 2006

The best. Expecially being with the ppl you care about the most.
Regardless the heat, sweat, stickiness and tiredness, everything went sorta well. There were moments which were boring or rather scary(with drunk ppl) but it was all fun. I met frens I haven seen in ages. Hoping to bump into certain ppl but didn't. Hoping to meet up and chat with certain ppl but didn't. At least I didn't need to worry about bumping into ppl I don't wanna see... =) Glad for that. No stalkers.... ;p
The music and all was great. God sisters were glad I got them to come to Kuching. WC on the other hand was in Penang complaining in boredom. He blaimed us gals for not inviting him which we did for ages.
Anyways,...
In the festival I felt different. I didn't feel like the lorraine i used to be. I felt abit lighter and less holding back. Although there were plenty of times I tried not to be over board dancing up front with those bunch of drunks. I still have my reputation to keep. Not to mention ppl do know me.
I found out that they actually broadcast my face on the screen without me knowing it and a photographer took my picture to put on the net(Rain forest web site). Kinda shocking if you ask me. Didn't expect anything from it but I suppose I'm glad I didn't go over the board being wild. Frens told me about the broadcasting thing and the photographer thing is a different story.
Last night was the best. Especially the finale. Although last night a got my head hit at least 5 times. Twice by this ang mo camera guy(his camera knock my head) and the other times were by some drunk dancing gals, 1 doing the chicken dance and the other just plain drunk. Not to mention they all hit me on the same spot. Now my head sorta hurts.
Not only that but my left foot hurts too. I think it's coz of standing too much. Got joint problems la... And my cough is getting worse coz of too much smoke. Alot of ppl was smoking cigars this year.
Not to mention I did meet a few ppl through my frens. They all said they know me(or rather they knew a Lorraine from St Teresa school). I had to tell them that there were 2 other lorraine's from my year. Next thing you know, they say I'm the wrong lorraine. That's a confirmation of me being a nobody since young.
The rainforest made me realized I'm more confident about myself and less worried about things. I seem to take things easier now and proudly bring myself around. I dunno whether it's suppose to be a good thing or not coz I feel more connected to the worldly side of things then the christianity side. I'm more confident about myself so for me I'm turning into a respectable person and am improving character-wise.
More updates soon...
Me going to upload pictures on my computer and get to bed. Have to send siblings to school in the morning....

Hell

I thought everything was different. I thought things changed.
Yes it did but for the worse in most ways.
I don't wanna cry any more. I don't wanna feel the hurt.
I wanna hug. I want encouragement. I wanna feel important.
I wanna leave the house. I wanna be happy.
I don't wanna kill more brain cells or have a weak memory juz because of the negativity.
I need to get out of this place asap.
Now I'm starting to think more then twice whether I wanna come bck at the end of the year.
I hate this place so much. I hate everything here.

Changes?
Brother apologizes for getting me scolded by mum. I'm purely innocent. Siblings seem to be listening more to me now. Church? Sucks as before. Same as the youth and young adults class. I don't even know why I bother doing anything.

Piano? Was playing in church and felt connected with the piano. 1st time playing hymn songs in months. Felt good and more confident playing the piano. There were a few new ppl that complimented my playing but I dunno if it's juz for the sake of saying it.

I can't wait to get bck to Aussie. I can't wait to get back to uni. I can't wait to get bck to my 3-4hours a day practising.
I need to get my mind of all this. Need to get away from home and relatives and anything connected to family or love. I need to drown myself in music so that I may no longer feel sad and horrible. I need to be as emotionless as possible to survive this painful journey....