Uni

It's scary and is what I've feared.
Reached yesterday for orientation.It was really scary.I didn't know a single person and I was the only Malaysian there.Sat down in the music workshop alone.Everybody seemed to know everybody.There were at least 80% Australians there.Nervous and was hoping some friendly person would come talk to me.Before that I tried talking to 2 person but they were snobbish.Actually 66% of them are the uptight,snobbish batch.Esp the younger ones.The youngest is around 17 and the oldest I've met who's really nice and friendly is a 29 who has a kid already.It seems to me that older ppl are nicer ppl then the younger ones.Though I don't know the reason.
The 1st person I got to know was this Indian fella from India.But when he talked,eveything just had to be him.He kept talking about how good he was and stuff.Really freaky.Didn't talk much about me.Actually that's what I've been doing.Listening to what those ppl had to talk about themselves.2nd person I met was this Singaporian Australian fella.Pretty nice but suprisingly his name is the same name as the 2nd person I met in college.Can't to think of it,I hated the 1st person I met as well.
Anyways,they alocated me with this mentor.The ppl were all very nice but they were all composers.So I switched to the pianist group of ppl which were not very friendly and nice.The whole time I kept wondering wheather I made the right choise.Why am i here?I'm not even good at anything.Things just started getting worse.It seems that international students are not allowed to get discounts for public transports.The discounts were only ment for local students.I was lost and puzzled and it seemed to me that it's kinda hard getting ppl to help you out.Don't feel like joining any activities.Was thinking of joining the music theater but kinda chicken out.Will join in next year though.I found out that I can't major in piano coz I'm doing music studies.Which made me think I might just as well go to Melbourne U where they accepted me into music education and they let me major an instrument.My name wasn't even on the uni list.Bugger..... In a short while I have to go find some dean to sit for some small test which alocates me into a class.To make the day worse,i took the train which over shot my stop and had to take another train back.
Even my dream haunted me.Made me wonder what I'm doing here.It's not like I have friends around here to seek help from.Maybe I should just get married and rott.
But all in all I just gotta try right?It'll be hard.Definately it will be but it's like they say..."the greatest ppl known in history failed a million times before creating something perfect"....
Anyways I better go find the dean now.Wouldn't be hearing from me until i get my connection.
p/s:-getting my piano today.

Aussie

FINALLY >>>> CONNECTION.....
Have been without connection for the past week.What I've been doing is shopping(mostly for mum),getting things done,gone to uni and visited part of Sydney.Rather tiring.
The moment I saw Sydney I felt a whole lot lighter.Felt lose.Was rushing the whole way from Kuching airport.I knew I wouldn't see anyone at the airport to see me off though I was hoping to see familiar faces.Reached kl but only had 15min to finish up my credit.Called a few frens and sms a whole lot of ppl.But still had RM2 left.Spent the last amount sms-ing in aussie.The whole journey was about 8 hours.Was placed next to this Korean gal.She's holidaying in Sydney for 1 year.Hardly slept.Watched movie,ate,played video games and did nothing.
Time really pass quickly.
I think I'm gonna get my bronchitis back.Considering I'm staying with my aunty who smokes.I start sneezing and my cough is back so am back on drugs.
Jet-lagged?Nah... Somehow or another I seem to be waking up earlier then I do back in Kuching.
Been sweeping,washing dishes and stuff.... Not because mum asked me to but because somehow I can't really stand mess.
My Irish uncle(he's sick) is a fun person to talk to but then it's kinda hard understanding to what he's talking about.His accent is really strong.
Went to church and it's kinda weird.Half the time I don't get what those ppl are talking about.They don't have youths there so I went to the adults sabbath school.Oh wells.
Though it's summer here it's not really as humid as back in Malaysia.The wind is really cooling.I think I may die during winter... ;p I have to get use to the weather.But IT IS rather dry here.
Can be rather boring here though.Not knowing anyone.Nobody contacting me.Everything is really expensive so I don't exactly play alot with my mobile.Food is expensive too and in big portion.I know I'm skinny but I'm starting to grow a tummy.
So things I have to work on while being here...
1. Do sit-ups at least once a day
2. Practise everyday(goal?all instruments)
3. sleep early and wake up early
4. might work(gonna get a piano so may have students)
5. be more confident
6. work on communication skills(am actually getting really anti-social lately)
7. work on my language(have to erase all the ma-s,ah-s,la-s and leh-s)

Miss anyone?Nah.But i do think about some ppl... =)
That's news from me....
=0

terrible sabbath

Friday night wasn't as it was suppose to be.
Went out to my same spot to relax my mind to be disturbed by my mum. I did feel better after being outside at my spot to come home and make the whole feeling turn into a nightmare.
Came home having my dad lecture me about me not being humble. When he mentioned my cousin's name(the one i hate) I totally lost it. I went to my room covering my ears. I didn't wanna feel the anger by remembering what that stupid cousin has done to my life. Then my mum got me outta my room to talk to me which is totally fine. To find her lecturing me as well and dadm pouring in whatever harsh worse about me. Before I blow I left the room to have my dad hit me in the arm. The pain shot up to my mind. It was piercing. I screamed and cursed. The pain was intensed. My left arm has just healed n now I have to worry about my other arm. After screaming my mum started hitting me. Protecting my head lying on their bed, dad came with his belt and started wacking me.
More pain. More hurt.
For those who knows my parents may not believe this kinda things actually happen. Especially my parents being very nice people. This makes me think I'm crazy. It really does.
Spent the rest of the night crying and feeling the pain.Cried to sleep and wished I didn't exist. Wish I was dead. Felt like I needed somebody to be next to me trying to calm me down. Making sure I was ok and just being there. Wanted to leave the house again and scream but I knew I was trapped in here. It's nothing to do with God testing me or anything. I've had this hurtful feeling since I was young. Since before I accepted Christ.
Woke up still in tears. Eyes puffy. Headache and pain all over. Didn't feel like going to church. Mum scolded again. Dad wasn't in. Left for a meeting. Waited for mum to leave then started to get ready for church. My whole body ached. Especially my arm but I hit it from the world.
Went to church feeling lousy. I didn't wanna go but I feel like I have to go since it's my last sabbath here. Wasn't expecting much. I knew the church didn't see much to it.
Afternoon was better. Me and Elsie felt tense while leading the choir. Maybe becoz bos was arround. Choir was a bit flat but that was ok. They sang better then while being led by bos. After choir I had fun with the youth. Felt connected. Felt wanted. Felt missed. Felt visible. I spend the afternoon talking to the youth and laughing alot. Opening abit until now. I just came back from church. It's something to remember off. But sorry to say, I don't think I'll actually miss anything here in Kuching aside from the food and my dog.
Btw, received small gifts from a few friends both close and not close frens. Just wanna say thanks for the thought... =) Sorry no party from me =)

anti-social

That's what I've been feeling this whole week. I seem to be avoiding every human around. In no mood to talk to anyone. Or rather I just feel like telling someone everything. I dunno. A few guys have asked me out this week but I turned every single one down. I have no mood to pretend being happy when I'm not and was just in no mood to talk. I don't even feel like going to church this weekend but choir might do me good. Besides, I have a feeling the youth have something for me =)
The week? Sucky. Considering I didn't work this month, I've no spending money so am practically broke. Frustrating considering parents were at my neck. Horrible considering I've been crying practically everyday. Hurtful considering how the world isn't working with me. Tiring considering the amount of things I have to do.
Conclusion = I'm mad with everyone. I'm mad with nature. I'm mad with the world. I'm mad with myself.
Equation of the sum.... ;p (joking) sorta miss mathes.
Anyways.... It's like the only time my face actually lids up is when I'm with music. Only then do I start having more hope in future and in life. I feel better when I sing. I feel like acting. Like doing theater(which unfortunately my dad would consider that sinful). It's the only time I feel free and feel superb. That's the only way I can feel happy even though at times the choir may go out alot of times or I'm sight-reading a new piece. It's not like I'm allowed out at night. It's not like I have alot of free time. And right now I can't get out of the house. The car no petrol so I'm stuck till mum's back from golf.
I can't wait till tonight. It's the only night I'm not exactly disturbed. It's the time where I just waste my time trying to forget the whole week. It's the time I recharge and go blank. It's the time I feel free.....

Life's like that

I’m now in my room trying to calm myself. As tears flow down my cheeks, I keep thinking of how unhappy I am now. How much I wish I wasn’t born or for that matter non existence. Every time I feel like my heart has been pierced by a thousand knifes. How unlucky I am to be around. My fingers trembling hard as I pour out my feelings. I don’t wanna cry any more. But I can’t stand it. Words spoken are more painful then action.
Sure go ahead and say parents love their children. But how can you consider it love when they keep discouraging you and making you feel not only horrible but hopeless in this world? No matter what I say or do doesn’t make life any better. Many times I just wanna hide at the little corner not be bothered. Sometimes I just wanna be invincible. That is why I’ve decided not to believe in love.
Sure call yourself Christians or whatever religion. I think it’s all bullshit. Sure teach all the teaching created by men but where is the truth in it all. There IS a God and the 2nd coming and all but the rest are just bull. Isn’t there suppose to be happiness being a Christian? Isn’t there suppose to be understanding in it? Why in the world would we risk our future just for something stupid which we can’t even see? We can’t see the future. We can’t see the clear path of our lives.
That is why I just want a break from all this. I’ve been following my parents and their ways for all my life. Even deciding on the uni wasn’t me. It was all my parents decisions. I never had a say in anything. I wanted to study in contemporary music. If not I want to do music education. Between Sydney and Melbourne, I chose Melb. And they say that it’s all my decision. The put me in Sydney in a reason that they could save cost. I would be staying with my aunty who is a free thinker. Now thanks to my stupid noisy relatives, I’m gonna stay with this stupid religious aunty who’s daughter has no sense of commend sense and the fact that they are the stupid religious type of ppl that talks too much nonsense about the end of the world and the ppl around them. I can’t stand it. I wanted to be free but now I’m stuck.
Dad keeps saying I’m lousy and I’ll never become better. Haven I become better then before I left for kl? I’ve become more confident instead of being my old self no thanks to them. I never believed un myself until I met the outside ppl. Free thinkers…. The only encouragement I actually got last year were mostly from my music teachers though I didn’t actually pay them to encourage me and talk to me like a counselor. They were suppose to teach me music. But that didn’t really bother me though it’s sorta wasting my parents money. I needed encouragement. I needed to be pushed. I needed to feel confident again.
And now I just wanna go against everything my parents have to say. I don’t actually wanna come home. What is home when your being kicked outta your own room before even leaving? Or being so discourage every time I meet those ppl staying in it?
Tears still flows…. I just wanna leave this place asap. I feel like I’m gonna really lose it completely. My fingers still tremble with anger and hurt. My heart aches with the thought of un-acceptance from my own parents.
My future is my future and they can’t control me. I can look after myself perfectly fine. What is their problem anyway? It’s not like they are giving my stupid cousin or brother any problem. It’s like they are more innocent then me when in fact they can’t even look after themselves properly….
Why was I born in this unlucky body? Why in this home of hurtfulness?

sleepless nights

Yes,i know.It's now 4:33am and i'm still awake.I'm quite amaze myself.I don't actually go online at this hour.
I woke up at 1am.Tried to go back to sleep but woke up at 2 pluss then 3 something in the morning.When I woke up at 3 pluss,I had a bad headache and was sweating.Felt kinda sick.Maybe it's coz i didn't take my dinner.Oh wells.My head bothered me so much and i couldn't sleep.So i got up,wash my face and actually practise my piano for an hour.Mum's doing a special music later in church and I so HAD to play(mum's orders).Then later figured it was high time i tried to sleep.
Played with the dogs awhile and went back to bed.The problem is the moment i touched my bed,my headache returned and I was still wide awake.So here I am.Downstairs with my laptop with Anuar Zain music being played.
No doubt.I DO wanna sleep.I really do but I just can't seem to sleep.I know something is really bothering me but i can't figure it out.Don't u just hate the lost and confused feeling?
Was gonna practise my violin too ;p but I think i'll wait till tonight.
If anyone has a cure for me pluss do let me know.Don't wanna take sleeping pills or panadol.I have enough medicines everyday.Don't wanna take another kind of drug.
Yes.I'm still on drugs and i hate it.Wish and I hope I'll get well before i leave.My eye sight is kinda bothering me too.Hopefully the degree went down... =)
Alot of things on my mind yet sometimes i can't figure out what I'm thinking myself.
Right now I'm just waiting for the time to fly by.Can't wait to leave.Can't wait to live life as it is.Can't wait to climb the steps of popularity and fame(ok ok maybe that's too much.But can't a gal dream?) =) Can't wait to make a difference in the world.And can't wait for Valentines to be over.
Yup.U heard me.It's not because I've no Valentines.Ok.I don't but the whole thing is really stupid.Shouldn't Valentines be an everyday thingy?Anyways,that's beside the point and I'm not gonna go into there.
My speech has been bothering me.I can't seem to get my words together some how.Maybe it's coz of the flu or my head.I've no idea but not only my speech has gone terrible.My spelling has been awful.It's like I totally forget the words or how the words are being spelled.Can't believe it's happening to me.Not now.Geessss... It's back to the dictionary then. *sigh*
I can't wait to start school.Can't wait to start doing assignments.Can't wait to get super busy again... =) Can't wait till March comes...
I better get to bed.It's gonna be a long day for me.As usual(Sabbath).And I don't actually have afternoon naps anymore.
So adios and good night(or rather good morning) and Happy Sabbath.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz(i wish)

... and I'm still not asleep

Though it has been a long day for me and even though I've juz wrote in a few hours ago,I still can't sleep.
Am now downstairs on the couch hoping that someone online would chat with me and make me feel better.What my dad said just now to me really stung me real bad.Aside from fingers shaking,head spinning and tears forming I just can't get hurt off me.Now I'm back in the slump.Watched charmed ones on telly.Made me wonder if I'm actually really any good at anything.Considering how my dad sees me.I can't see myself as a star.I can't see myself owning my own music album.I can't see myself on stage being not only great but wonderful.All I see is a girl easily hurt as fragile as can be staring from the stage crying on her knees with both hands at her ears; shouting for silence.
I can easily end up in the nut house.I've felt that really strongly.But somethings holds me sane.As my mind runs,my fingers write better then my mouth speaks.Just give me 10 papers and I can write down my whole thoughts,my mind.But give me 10 minutes to talk and there would be empty spaces left.
Y m i writing this?It's merely coz I can't sleep.I need to cheer up.I wanna get outta house and chill but that's not possible.Not with my parents being at home.Where else can I find silence but my laptop.
A child sees the world in wonders in angelic ways with high hopes and dreams with keeps them youthful.They know not the difference between right and wrong or good and bad.I've pass that stage and am entering into the world of knowledge and misery.I've lost my childhood days though at times I wish for it instead of knowing the truth of the world.Instead of seeing the truth.Instead of fighting for freedom like a bear in it's cage.
I just wanna get outta misery and fly again.Fly into the world of hopefulness and light.Into a place of happiness and courage.
I don't wanna be scared no more......

another days job

Morning went to violin lesson for the 1st time this year.Haven actually touched my violin for 2 weeks so i sorta suck.I think.Found out my violin teacher actually read me blog =) (yo,Mr Lee) heheh...
came home to the computer while getting dressed for my working session in Swinburne.Ate my lunch in a rush and was practically dodging cars all the way.Though I'm not suppose to do tat.Realized how hard I was gripping the steering when i parked the car.Let out a sigh and rushed to collect papers.
Ya.I love rushing.That's what I've always been doing all my life.Rushing from 1 thing to the other and getting things done.Got the office and was switched from the auditorium to the classroom.A room i totally dread.It was practically an igloo.The reason why i was stationed there was because non of the supervisors wanted to make the anouncement to the students.1 couldn't come this afternoon and the other 2 comes late.Thank goodness she put Alayne with me.I made the anouncements,got the students seated,got them to shut up and started shivering.I couldn't stop shivering.While reading the announcements,I had to prevent myself from shaking so much and considerin i was wearing heels,it just made the situation worse.
The whole time i was sorting out papers going from 1 exam hall to another figuring some of the attendance slip out and re-arranging the papers.It was alot of work.Plus my nose was really killing me.Had it so blocked up i felt like I couldn't breathe.I then realize that I was working with a bunch of losers(no offense) not including Alayne and the older supervisors la.They didn't do their job properly and they were plain lazy.At least the chief examiner wasn't such a make-up frek this time(if u have read my last post about my last supervising).My last shift will be this friday then I'll have to watch time fly by slowly...
Night time was nothing interesting.Went to change money with mum then got my specs fix.Met my old english teacher.Went home watching time fly by really slowly and tried to control myself from what dad said about me.
Hands started shaking,head started spinning,eyes started watering.I just can't wait to leave and be free once more....
So from a good morning or rather moderate,i ended up feeling terrible at the end of the day.

EEEEKKKK!!!!

I've been screaming since I left the hospital.Y?
ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!
Let me see.....
Went to the hospital and couldn't find a parking until 15-30 minutes later.Late for appointment.Went in to find the doctor not ready yet.Then he said he refused to remove my tooth coz my tooth is situated at a very difficult position which may makes things worse where he has to remove ALOT of bones.Then they charge me for registration fee for not only today but also the last time I was there for my 1st surgery.They made me wait some more while the stupid nurses slowly did their stuff.When I went to my car,I saw a bunch of police writing tickets and finding a ticket at my car.
I could have worked today.Not paid the extra RM60 but earn RM30,save my time and energy in finding a replacement today and enjoyed myself.Now I'm mad,annoyed and hungry.
I just wanna scream.So now I've lost extra cash,have to deal with the pain all my life once in awhile and have to stay home and stay hungry till dinner.
I no mood to go find food.
EEEEKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

After the ang pows....

Since my last post I've been sick.Had migraine and now a flu.And not only that but I have my dental surgery tmr.Oh boy.... Keep thinking my immune system is real low right now and with the surgery it's gonna be worse.
It's been raining everyday here in Kuching.The problem is once it's not raining,it'll be real humid which is actually killing my skin and giving me allergies.
Suppose to work this whole week starting tmr but since I got my surgery tmr then i might start either Tuesday or Wednesday.Hopefully my surgery won't be as bad as the 1st one.I WANNA WORK..... I WANT M-O-N-E-Y!!!!! Invigilating exams again.My last job before I leave for Aussie.Working is fun depending on wat kinda job and where your working at. =)
I'm half done with my packing.Not quite sure what I can bring and what I can't.Stupid Australian rules.Can't even bring snacks.Pretty dumb reading all the don'ts....The ultimate question ppl keep asking me is "are you excited?"
In a way I am.I can't wait to leave this place.Can't wait to be free again.Can't wait to have adventures. =) But on the other hand I fear alot.I fear of failure and rejection.I fear pain and hurtfulness not forgetting loss.I fear of not being able to do my best.Not only that but I keep wishing I could do contemporary music instead.I wish Sydney U would have accepted me into music education.I wish I was going to melb U instead.
Oh wells.... we'll just have to see watever things that come in my way.I know they are all obstacles but I dunno if I have the right amount of strength to face everyone of them....

Open house....

Chinese New Year this year was in a mess.I hardly had sleep since the 1st day.Actually I had alot of bad luck and felt horrible.But as the time passes things sorta got quieter...
Today(3rd day) we had open house.Considering I hardly had sleep,I was in a total mess.Felt sick and tired.But had to wake up early to cook.Wondered who'll come over.Hoped my frens would come over.So far only 4 group of ppl came.At least.Cooked my special favourite dish,'haka duck'.Everyone that ate it loved it....Muahahah... feel happy bout that.Very seldom u get ppl praising you for ur cooking instead of just eating away.
Woke up at 8am and started cooking,cleaning,filling cookies and stuff..... then serving drinks and refilling.Din have time to chat with my 1st batch of frens. *sigh* Some how i feel bad.But nobody else was doing the job so I had to do everything.My brothers were being idiots by sitting at the computer playing the whole day but sister helped abit.I didn't even have time to eat a proper lunch or dinner and didn't even have time to rest or sit down.Was up and about.Had a bad headache but was still up and about.Frens came by and i hardly had the energy to talk or listen to them but i made the effort to chit-chat and tried to concerntrate.Was hoping for more frens to come by but wat the heck.Nothing to it.
Can't believe I'm finally sitting down relaxed abit.I think I did more work then even my parents.
I had no rest at all,I not only had a bad headache but I also felt abit feverish.Now am ok abit after taking my medication.It's been a hell of a day.
Now I'm just looking forward in leaving this town.I feel so sick of this place.I need a new environment.I need an adventure.I need drama in my life....
=)