Fear of heights conquered

sorta...
Went with 3AM for indoor rock climbing. At 1st when I saw the activity in the bulletin, I didn't even bothered about it coz no way am I gonna do something with heights. I sorta told Nic and Vani and they sorta got me to follow them for today.
When we reached the place, I got shocked at the height of the thing. Chickened out a little. Stoned a little and started shivering and turned cold. But Nic pushed me into it and since I was there I might as well try it once so at least I can tell ppl I've done it before. It was AU21 and I paid for it. Expensive but it's worth it if you do it.
The 1st try was terrifying. I reached the top but getting down was sorta a problem. Thank goodness Nic's fren was holding my rope. Somehow I felt safer and confident when he was at my rope instead of the other guys. I came down trembling like when I came down the 'giant swing' in Melbourne camp.
I went up a few more though there were more I wanted to do and nobody wanted to come with me to hold my rope so I ended up walking around and finally giving up altogether. Got bored and did my assignment. Actually my hands were pretty painful so I sorta stopped. But I think I went to the top 3-4times and halfway 2 times. That was alot of work and energy and I'm proud of myself =)
Fear of heights? I still do but now it doesn seem to be that bad.lol... I suppose I have Nic to thank..... He's gonna make me face all my fears or so says him...

~Let there be light~

Friday (26 May 2006)
Performance was better then Saturday. But the crowd was sad. The hall was half full. We sorta had fun in the end though =) But I was in the conservatorium since 830am till 9pm. It was really tiring for me. Got home hungry but Friday was alright.

Saturday (27 May 2006)
Tiring as well but super although performance wasn’t as great as Friday. Soloist crewed up the whole performance. Glad to have Vani and Nic come though I wasn’t expecting them to cum. Made me feel like performing better though the whole thing was rushy as well and kinda in a mess.
In the morning I went to a Youth Rally. Better then the 1st one I went to and I went and talk to the guy (the only person who talked to me in the 1st rally). He was really nice and all. He is studying in Avondale. Somehow I ended up performing my concert practice piece after the rally. Halfway playing he was like “wow” “that’s nice” (under his breath) although I didn’t really play my best. Was looking around. And now he wants to cum to my concert practice in 7 Jun all the way from Avondale college just to see me perform. So that was my interesting morning. The whole worship service made me wanna do sumthing about Sunny Hill school and creating a good choir.
After the performance, me, Rachel,Vani and Nic went for dinner. Me and Rachel was suppose to go with the rest of the performers for a drink but end up chit chatting with the 2. While talking at Nic's car a homeless fella came over to us asking us for money. We ended up giving him a few bucks so that he wouldn't have to sleep in the cold. Then with all the questions Vani and Rachel was asking him, we explained more and I really started feeling for him. I could see he was tired and looked cold. I know how it feels so feel terrible and feel that God's not there, seeking help yet not getting much. At 1st I gave him AU5. Then after all the explaination, I gave him another AU20. Before that I was thinking whether I should give the 20. He needed it more then I do. All I have to do now is cut down my movie watching and eating out or having fun. I don't really spend much here in Aussie anyways - I bring food from home most the time. All he needed now is another AU3 after I gave him the 20. I sorta feel good after helping him. But now part of me wonders whether I did the right thing or was I stupid to believe his crap. Then I start to realise I have a heart like my dad, the touch of my mum and a mind of my own. Mind u, the money was suppose to be for Sunday's rock climbing with the youth.
After that situation me and Rachel walked back to catch up with the other performers but sadly they all left so we ended up talking for the next few hours at the harbor in the cold and didn't realise the time. When we did, it was already 10. So then we left....
Going bck home I met this Vietnamise fella who started talking to me on the train. Had a feeling he was looking at me at Central. He made an excuse to talk to me. He was like "What's the time". Kinda lame but I suppose that's how some ppl start a conversation. Oh wells...
Brrrrr.... It's starting to freeze here....

The Creation

Performance is this weekend. Excited as can be but also sorta disappointed. Excited is coz I love performing and hearing the crowd cheer and hearing sweet music knowing ppl enjoyed the performance. Disappointed is coz I know I don't have supporters coming to the performance to support me. Never had it anyway. Every performance I have nobody comes and watch me perform. Though I feel nice from the crowd, I still feel lost and empty knowing that there's an empty seat staring back at me. I hope yet know this will always be the case. Van's gonna come so I suppose that's alright though I wouldn't be surprise if a last minute thing would happen. Though I know ppl won't turn up in my performances, a part of me just urges myself to just invite ppl to come anyways though it's a waste of time.
*sigh*
I'm going through a face of facing my fears one by one. Friends surprisingly helping me out. 1st on fears or rather stage fright as well and then there's the trusting part and the dark and sharp objects.
3AM? They are amazing ppl. Or rather only 1 guy and a few gals has been really really nice to me; Nic, Emma, Sheyley(I think that's how u spell her name) and cousin =) Never met sincerely nice ppl in my life. And the thing is when I look into their eyes, I see that it's real. Going back to that church? Definately though I sorta love Ashfield as well(family church).
The songs are still ringing in my ears. Memorize? Sorta. I don't even practise the music and I can sing good =) Anyways I'm not expecting much. All I'm gonna do is enjoy the performance and take pictures hoping my things don't get stolen while we perform...
Surprisingly a stranger came to me and started talking to me. Next thing he asked was are you Malaysian? I was in shock.... Considering most ppl think I'm local or rather from Melbourne. This guy(a white man) came up to me as if to know I'm foreign and started talking about the weather. This senario actually made me feel visible in the world.

Btw, do you think I should cut my hair here or wait till I get home? Coz I feel like the longer my hair is, the more hair I seem to be losing. Yea... -.- you can say I'm getting bald -.-!!!!

What a mixed up day

Woke up early just like any other day and practised at the con for an hour and a half. Everythings seemed ok. Creative music skills sucked just having that Indian guy in the class(that maybe in my case). Significant Methods? Had a new lecturer(doing a new topic). weird as can be, the way she looked as me gave me the impression she doesn like asians. Practised again after that. Ended up chit-chatting with fren for more then an hour.
Finally got to practise. 45min on clarinet and another hour or so on the piano.
Didn't feel like going home for sum reason I didn't know. So stayed at the con and watched a performance by myself which was kinda sad. Was suppose to go out with Racheal tonight to watch sum gig but she couldn't get tickets.The performance was weird. It was some modern music which sounded really interesting but all boring at the same time.
Walked alone to the train station.Walked home past the park, which ppl say is dangerous walking pass during the night. Saw 3 white lovely dogs running around there. Knew the moment I saw them that they belonged to the anti-social asian lady who lives opposite us. Suprisingly unlike the master, one of the prettiest dog came up to me jumping and all as if welcoming me and happy to see me. I patted it and it nugged me and licked my palm. I smiled.... The other 2 didn't even come close. Made me really miss my dog. Those fluffy things were like my only true friends and are really reliable lovely things.
Came home feeling strange. Had dinner and asked if there was anything on tv(I usually eat with the tv on).Aunt then said uncle was sad.I asked why and had the news that his youngest sister died(I dunno whether it's natural death onot).And at that moment I've been silent ever since. All the sad memories rushed back into my mind as if to remind me of what I've lost. My uncle has been cursing and swearing the whole night. Makes me feel so scared I just feel like getting out of the house right now. I can't stand ppl cursing and swearing around me. I go crazy.I don't wanna be in this house by myself at this moment. Feel like company of frens but where am I suppose to find frens at this hour of the night in a foreign land with no what-so-ever transportation aside from train and walking in the dark by myself?
I dunno how to react and dunno wat to say. Alot of things have been bugging my mind today. Made a few conclusions but also had alot of questions floating into my mind....

Music me??

Sometimes I look at myself as a better musician then musicians already working or rather phD holders in terms of music. And sometimes I look at myself thinking I'm not the best and not any better. Contradicting I know but what can i say.
I'm not a perfect pitch though I wish I were. I can easily identify flat or sharp notes in a music piece or recording. I can pick out a mistake. I can learn a piece in a short period and memorize pieces but I can't seem to play confidently in front of people. I can't seem to remember facts like history or information in music studies.
In orchestra in Saturday, I went early and was there for the children's orchestra. The conductor was playing the piano and conducting at the same time which was really disturbing for me. He's currently doing his phD at the con. So I volunteered to help play the piano at which I did though I wasn't confident. Played and it was suprisingly ok. Then at the adults orchestra during tuning, everyone says the tunning is ok but to me, my ears are disturbed with the instruments still not in tune. Talk about timing as well. Alot of ppl tend to call themselves musicians but I don't see anything in it. They maybe good in the study part instead of the playing part. And as for the playing part, they practise for hours and hours which leads to an alright playing. Some can't even understand the simple music theory stuff which we do in grade 3-5. Students with good memory benefit alot which is just so unfair.
At the con, I'm put into classes of student above average which makes me feel stupid and horrible about my results. It's like most the students getting better results then me. Some copy assignments and exams and they score higher then me which makes me feel frustrated. Not to mention students who get distinctions complain they didn't get high distinction.
I was hoping to get a part scholarship but I suppose now all I need to concentrate on is getting my degree instead of scoring high results though it would be really nice.
Starting today, less internet. More music listening training, more practise, more music exercise..... No more free time. Only once a blue moon.... I need to feel brilliant and swell. I need to be on the peak of the hill(implying i can't reach the peak of the mountain).....

Today's not bad a day...

It went really smoothly. And I'm glad it did. =)
Woke up real early as usual. Deciding whether to bring my clarinet to practise. Ended up carrying extra load. Got my assignment in my bag. And left flowers for aunt(got her flowers for mother's day).... yea yea... I know... I always do these kinda things and I can't help it. It's what I am n who i am. Left a not with the flowers....
Reached uni and practised piano for at least an hour. Went for class(creative music skill). Today was great. I got to play. The lecturer put me on the organ. 1st time working it. It was really funny coz me and my fren was trying to figure it out. Couldn't get the sound out and stuff. Had the lectuere help us. We continued our composed song as a group - "clock work rain". That's wat we called it. Pretty cool. This time Aaron didn't get the chance to play. I suppose now he knows how I feel. The harpsichord wasn't in class(I was grateful for that. Hate the sound of that instrument). Piano was taken by N. Could never stand it when he touched the piano. When Mr P asked him to give a tuning note(on A), he played a hell lotta notes. I was rolling my eyes and kept my cool. Then the gal next to me(plays the bassoon) told everyone to keep quiet and shot back at N to play a solid A. Finally.... someone making a noise. I've been trying to tell that fella to tone down and give other ppl a chance but he just wanna continue boasting and boasting.... I did my thing though it was only 1 note. It wasn't bad at all.... N was given a solo part which he was longing but he totally screwed it up. So that's that.....
Significant Methods after that was pretty cool as well(music education subject). Was real fun =) Nothing much to say considering it was the last lesson for Dalcroze topic. Passed up my assignment and felt hungry abit but that didn't bother me coz I was all =) Talked to the lecturer about the education function happening at kl soon realizing that it's when the semester starts. Then she asked if I was international student and how long I've been in Aussie. I told her almost 3 months. Friends over heard me saying all that. Then they asked how long I've learned english. That sounded like an insult for asian people overseas isn't it? I told them I've been speaking english whole life. Then I made it clear with them that we all speak english back home. Made me realize aussie's are still in their nut shell comparatively to overseas student. Malaysia is not a bad country and I don't think we should be called the 3rd world country. We are actually quite equavelant to growing countries like Singapore or Aussie or NZ.
After 3 hours of class, I went to find practise rooms to continue practising. Walking out of class I read a really really sweet msg someone sent to me(you know who u r) =) It's like the sweetest thing anyone has said to me =) Now that made my day even better. Lucky me I found a practise room, had my lunch. Practise piano for another hour then my clarinet for 45 minutes. And was disturbed by a fren(another admirer so it seems). I was cleaning my clarinet so he went out and got us a hot cup of choc though I didn't really want it. Trying to save money. But if it means socializing then what the heck. Talked to him and walked around for awhile. Then met up with my other 2 frens.
Had 'dinner' with them(only a small bite.Nothing cheap and nice to eat in the city). Went back to uni to watch an operatic done by the students. Title was "2 weddings and an engagement"-Marriage of Figaro(act3) in a foreign language by Mozart and A Dinner engagement in english by Berkeley. To tell you the truth, it was brilliant. The acting and their voices. Had a few favourites. They are both comic operas... =) Made you wanna know more of the story. For the engagement, it was sweet but then one of the strings were out which was really annoying for my ear. Frens didn't hear it though.There was only a small orchestra for the 2nd act. Pretty cool I must say. I was impressed. Makes me wanna do music theater even more.
After that 3 of us walked outta uni. We talked so much and laughed alot after everything finish that we didn't realize we were like the only 3 audiance in the hall. Hugged good bye and I went home. I was warm the whole day though only wearing 1 layer of clothing. It's 21 degrees max and 11 min today. Going home was quite chilly but not freezing yet.
Came bck to an empty house. Watched tv, vacumed room, called for transport to church tmr and relaxed. Today went smoothly and I'm glad for that.
Tmr there is sure gonna be a mother's day special program in church(I hate it) and orchestra in the afternoon(I'm looking forward for that) =) Wonder what interesting experience I'll be having tmr... Hopefully sweet ones... ;)

Bloody miserable day.... u think?

Hmmm.... U be the judge.It started out like this...
I woke up at 6am. Actually closely before that. I slept early the previous night coz I thought I'd get over to uni and practise before concert practise. I ate breakfast and gotten ready and stuff.... Walked to train station just in time before train left. In the train, I had this weird indian guy sitting opposite me. Scary thing was I felt like every few seconds he would be looking at my direction. Maybe I'm paranoid but the thing was he was actually (sorta) reading a Starwars novel. At central, the train i was at left late for some reason I dunno. Darn those trains. Time is really golden to me.
Reached Circular Quay and everything seemed ok and it was all fluent. Practised a nice hour and a half. Felt confident for lesson in the afternoon. Concert practise, I wanted to see the winds for a change instead of the piano. Wanted to hear the oboe and the clarinet but they were all at the end. At the other hall, the piano performance was on and my friend was playing at the end. So I went for half in one the half the other. To my disappointment, I missed the oboe and clarinet and the piano hall, they had a teacher correcting mistakes of students. It's like I wanna be in both halls at the same time. *sigh* So that's that.
Went back for practise after that for another hour. Went to library to meet up with Racheal and have lunch before our class. While waiting for her, I went over another fren who promised to borrow her notes for my history essay paper for 2 weeks now. She got me into the middle of the debate she and a few non-christians have been having. I feel like I've done something wrong even though I didn't even say anything. After that short arguement, I asked her for her notes but she didn't answer me so I just let her be and went bck to Racheal. We went to check out results for music history which was suppose to be ok. Checked it and I nearly fainted. I didn't get what I thought I'd get - as usual. I thought I'd be getting 70-80% but I only got a pass which was totally shit. It was suppose to be easy. Most the students got 70% above and the thing was our names were displayed with our results. So I felt horrible. Then I thought, I was really sick that week with a fever and stuff and hardly gotten serious study. And the 2 gals sitting next to me asked me to change a few answers. Shit right?! Yea. There was this other girl with us. She's so immature and I can't seem to stand her ever since I saw her. But she followed us. I walked aimlessly all the way to the cafe. Sat and ate. I acted cool but Racheal knew I was in a horrible state. Brian had 97%. Freak man. And there was this other girl that had 99%. Suprisingly Brian bought us girls a cup of chocolate drink which was really sweet of him. I didn't feel like talking at all and I wished they'd just shut up about the whole test thingy. Finally they did when I started doing this... "la-la-la-la..." An old habit ;p Talked about a church which was burned down this morning. It was Brian's anglican church.Really sad coz it's a 146year old church and had one of the biggest organ in the church. Everything was burn to ashes.
After that we went for class. Music history was ok(I so totally hate it now). Solfage class was so-so... Got called to sing out notes and I can't seem to get it out right. I could hear the tune in my mind but the sound can't get out correctly. Got our results for the class and that sucked too. Was hoping a better result. After the whole class I went to see the lecturer. She thought that was the mark I deserved but she was nice enough to give me the extra mark. =) Made me feel better a little. But she said she gave me that mark coz when I sing, I sounded scared and timid. Not brave enough to try even though I'd be wrong. Which was sooo right. I need to feel more confident.
Then there was piano lessons which to my surprise was the best. I played my concert practise piece nicely thought there were few stumbles. I practically played all 5 pieces today when normally I only played one or two. And I actually had extra time to talk and stuff. Teacher said I did good. She said I practise correctly but need to polish up a few things. So that was a bonus that made me feel a little better. Maybe it's coz I was previously feeling depress coz normally when I'm depress I play better music then when I'm in my normal everyday condition.
Walked to lecturers office to ask a few questions on weekly assignment due monday. Got everything done and felt good or rather maybe it's coz he's nice. Asked about the oboe and stuff. Makes me wanna learn it even more. Talked awhile.
I found out uni ends earlier then what I thought. And to think I've already booked my ticket. I was so freaked out and scared I won't be able to change my ticket. I went back to MAS office crossing my fingers all the way. Thank goodness the guy could change my ticket. I'm so reliefed now.
Went to Allan's music store and got music books. Walked down the road and ended up buying a few Ts. When back late in the dark. Got home feeling dizzy and hungry. Ate and suddenly got a stomachache again. Hate it when I eat, I get a tummy ache.
After dinner, I realize my nose was bleeding. It has been doing so quite often for the pass week. It didn't use to happen before. It can't be coz of the cold wheather coz I've been to colder places for weeks....
Tmr I have to wake up early to see the doctor at the main campus and then there's choir in the afternoon.
Overall I still feel horrible about the results. Just because of who I am, I get horrible marks. Just because of what my distant pass had made me, I'm in a terrible position right now.
*sigh*
I need a hug. I need a friend around like Racheal. I need to feel better. I need to change-BADLY. I need to chill........

what's wrong with me?

i don't understand myself. It's a miracle if anyone actually understands me.
One moment I'm scared, timid and a nobody and the next I'm confident, upfront and people can't stop bugging me. I just don't get it.....
I've decided to face my fears one by one. Starting with piercing my ear once I get back home, dying my hair purple or rather high-lighting. Go out more not forgetting to finish my assignments before that. Posture... posture... Need to fix that too. Take a chance at things. Then there's facing the dark slowwwly. I really fear it soo much I could scream. Nearly did at the con when I was in the girls toilet where it was pitch black with nobody close by. Accepting challenges. No excuses(I'll try) ;p when people don't give me a chance to speak, SPEAK anyways........
I'm doing all these coz I really need to relax myself. I'm so afraid of life and just too tense. Hence the tendonitist which suprisingly doesn't seem to really be bothering me much this week. Maybe it's coz of the exercises my teacher thought me- using gravity ;p
I need to be more confident and relaxed. I really need to change. I wanna live my dream. And I'm doing it.... I'm looking for the path that leads to popularity and stardom... ;p

accident day

Woke up this morning feeling funny. Had breakfast and left at 830am. Class starts at 11am. On the way to the train station, there was this bad accident which blocked 2 sides of the road. Ambulans and all were there. Looked bad yet not really that bad.
Reached the con free and light. Assignment due today but I handed it up last week. Practised for 2hours(which suprisingly didn't give me pain at all). Went for lecture for the next 2 hours and laughed my head off to see the amount of ppl stressed out and lacked of sleep from the assignment =) During lecture I seem to get noisy ppl sitting behind me everytime I sit with a fren. On the other hand wen I sit by myself, I can concentrate better. Got soo pissed I asked the back ppl to shut up.
After lecture I went to MAS(Malaysia Airlines) building to get my ticket booked. Unfortunately no more direct flights to Kuching =( Went bck to the con and practise for awhile. Lucky to get a piano(lousy,pedal not working) in the afternoon. Went for class. Everything was ok but felt sorta lost. Friends complaining about the amount of assignments due. Have 1 more due this friday but I finished that one on friday =) Exam tmr(ear training) so will be doing alot of listening exercises tonight. Music history results will be out tmr as well. I know I did ok but some how I'm still nervous. Got assignments due next week but that's sorta a piece of cake considering I've already started on them.
Went home after class to find another accident on the same road which the 1st accident was at. This time it was a bus and a rich man's car. Didn't see much damage but rich ppl juz want more money. Passing the park, I heard ambulans. So i suppose there IS another accident close by. hmmmm.....

Me and my younger cousin at the beach on the closing of Sabbath. Rather chilly but it was alright. We enjoyed collecting pretty shells... =) More artsy stuff for me to make... (I look really tired here) hmmm.... 

shells we illegally took... ;p 

The weekend

Was the most relaxing ever. Went and stayed over at uncle's place and have been having more then 8 hours sleep. No computer, no air pollution, no fuss.... They are the strick kinda adventist where no washing, ironing or big cooking is done on Sabbath. TV? Only news, nature and christian stuff. Been sleeping early and waking up at 7-8am. No work. Finish most my assignment before i went there. Yup... =) Got 3 assignments due this week but I finish them all last week. More of pushing myself to finish it off then leasurely doing it.
Friday dinner was huge and delicious. Was doing my journal on the train(part of my assignment). When I finished it, I realized I skiped a station. lol... kinda funny. Anyways, was late to reach Pennant Hill coz was finishing my music education(on Dalcroze) assignment. Talked and lazed around then slept at 10 pluss.
Next morning I followed my aunt and cousin to Waitara Church to my surprise was a huge church. They have 2 services and the church was packed for both service. We went to the 2nd service. My uncle and other cousin went to the chinese church. The church was cool. There was this bubbly gal who came over and started talking to me. Much more of a chatter box but i liked her. These ppl felt like country like ppl. Innocent adventist living the angelic way =) which isn't quite my type but I'm not complaining. Met this other gal I met the week before at 3AM(youth church in the city). So it was pretty cool. Was suppose to go with the youth for some youth potluck but I felt kinda tired so went bck with aunt. Afternoon me, uncle, aunt and my little cousin + Candy(dog) went to the beach. Picked shellss(shhh... don tell ;p) and walked around and took a few pics.... Was so tired yesterday. I usually sleep in the afternoon after church. Had fish and chips for dinner and got allergy reaction in the morning. Uncle used egg.. =( Played piano for a while but mind was lost in sleep so i went to bed at 10pluss again.
Today? Did quite alot. Ate breakfast, packed, did music exercise which Thad gave me, practised till lips sore, watched tv and ate lunch. Now I'm bck on my precious internet and soon will be going to uni to watch music performance done by music teachers.
Might go up stay over uncle's place frequent coz I like the church there and it's away from smoke and not forgetting I don't need to worry about practising. Cousin said I played my clarinet better then her teacher which was a surprising thing. Oh wells.. =)
Overall my weekend wasn't as dead as it was. More of relaxing then anything... ;)

dunno

*sigh*
Life....
So imperfect.
So depressing yet surpricing.
So innocent yet evil.

Sumtimes I wish the world would shut up.
Other times I wish it would speak.
Wish some people would leave me alone,
yet I want company.
Sumtimes I wish people would let me speak,
yet I hold myself back far too many times.
Wanting to be the centre of attention,
yet too afraid of failure.
Hoping to be the greatest,
yet chicken away from every spot light.

It's happening again... Those of you that know me for a long time may know my history of heart brokenness. It's so happening again. Wish it didn't. Wish it wouldn't but it's happening all over again everywhere i go.
Troubled frens makes my heart ache. Lonely me makes me wonder even more. Weird fans crowd me while hunks stay a distant. =) This is a life of a musician. A weird and confused 1.
No more falling in love. It's too painful and troublesome. No more missing anyone, it's hurting and disturbing. Will always miss those wonderful moments of the past though nightmares haunt me over and over again.
Fears clouds me. The pain is back. When will all these be over? I can't wait to start working.
Day after day and night after night i hope yet refuse to accept those who love me and care for me deeply. Those who were always there for me in troubled moments and lonely arias.
No more thinking for me. Not ever since last year or the year before. It's too painful to think through things. It's too confusing to think about myself.
If everyone could read everyone's mind, everyone would hate everyone. It's a perfectly good theory. We hide our sinful thoughts from frens and hide our true feelings. Not many people know me from my outside. If you see through my mask then you're an amazing person. Very few has seen through my mask. Seen through touching my feelings and pain I've gone through. How many times I wish my past wouldn't haunt me. How many times I wish I was a different person altogether. How many times I wish I was brilliant.....