Fun fun fun...

hahah... nvr had tat much fun for such along time.Yup... I went out finally.But din do much.We juz chatted n wen for the MTV hunt or sumthing.Kinda boring at the same time fun.Before tat we watched Charlie and the Choc Fac..Yup. Watching it again.If it's to spend time wif fren y not rite?Met Jin's sis' frens and introduced them to the wonderful butter chicken rice...heheh... Their business surely grow.They sud start giving us discount for bringing more customers... heheh... ;)
For the whole day I sorta felt outa place coz was the youngest n stuff but all went well or so it seems so... I dunno... Kinda fun lo.Finally was outta the house. Getting to knoe ppl and myself.
I can be shy at times or rather i juz hav nothing to talk about considerin i don't really knoe the person and it's not a program to mix around.I realize tat I look younger then my age but act older then my age.Tat's wat ppl tell me.I dunno. I can be pretty quiet but also very noisy.I can tolerate noise wen m energetic n not tired but wud go crazy wen m so tired n hav a headache.I can be very creative wen not under pressure.My talent is in art n music in certain area but then again but tat very good coz i normally need my feelings and inspiration to do so.Can be a perfectionist but also i don really care much if i get too fed-up and don wanna trouble ppl....
So tats me i learned for the whole month...About me and the depression and sadness and loneliness and joy and stress and stuff... heheh... =)

My Sabbath turn to joy

I woke up this morning feeling blue.Wat a rush i had to church.Thinking it wud juz be another normal day I didn't quite bothered wat i wore to church.Was doing a puppet show before my mum's sermon tis mornin n we weren't quite prepared but for sum reason i was as calm as ever.Wish is quite weird coz normally i'll panic at the end...Oh wells,... We came to church early to practise.Me, alayne, silas, gina and ida.Did everythin though wasn't fluent and then went to Sabbath school...
I was like "*sigh*,another boring class". Tat was until 1 of the uncles came to me sayin tat Jin's bck... Now tat made me jump.Jin?Bck? Woohoo... He said she feels alone and stuff considerin the older youth were all gone so i quickly wen to meet her.Boy,do i miss her lots... =) we talked and talked and talked.until we parted at 3 sumthing.... Hopefully can go out tmr la considerin i can use the car.The last plan we had didn't work out.Hopefully tmr wud be A-ok.... Darn... Can't to think of it I can't believe she's leaving tis mon... *sigh*
Hmmm.... I'll be redoing my recording tonite.Hopefully it'll go well coz it definately took along time to record 1 song. *shish*
I definately can't wait to leave tis place....

Thoughts

Aimlessly walking towards my room after choir last night i wondered and worried bout my music application.Confussion floods my mind.There seemed to be problem in my recording.Tat wasn't enough to fill in my thoughts n worriness.Dad passed me another letter frm Berklee(in Boston).I thought I had every mail from them.Does it mean i sud go there?I know my heart is in Jazz and learning sumthing which is sooo noot classic but unfortunately sponsorship doesn't permit me to do so so I'm stuck in a very horrible position.
Wat cud be worse is tat I don't seem to smile or talk as much as i did before.I keep quite in my own corner thinking and juz thinking.I knew coming bck here for a year wud be hell as it is.I knew I wud suffer emotionally and mentally.I knewI wudn't be able to stand the pressure.But my desicion was made and tis is where i am.Maybe it was a mistake.But if it were then I'm learning frm it.
Thinking so much and stressin so much makes me think tat maybe I'M really mentally crazy.I dunno wat else to think.No1 to turn to here.Maybe I'm not normal at all?! Maybe I'm not ment to be here at all.Maybe I was ment to suffer all the time with continues heart breaks and heart aches.
All i seek now is encouragement,support and frens to be around wif.It seems awfully dark in my part of the world.Nothing else to it.I juz need sumone to show me a clear path to my life.Nothing more.
Maybe I'm rite.I AM crazy after all.....

My Astrology Reading

Section 1: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
Proud and intensely individual, you really want to stand out, to be the very best you can be, and to be recognized and appreciated for your unique contributions. Doing something well and being respected for it is extremely important to you, and you cannot tolerate being in the background, taking orders from others, or being "just one of the team". You must put your personal stamp on whatever you do, and direct your own course in life. You need to have a place where you can shine, express yourself creatively, and be the one in charge.


Section 2: Mental Interests and Abilities
You are a person of strong opinions and you express your views energetically and often dramatically. You are an entertaining speaker and will embellish or exaggerate in order to get your point across. You have an aptitude for story-telling and performing. Even if your arena is only the classroom or dining room table, you put on a good show. You have an abundance of creative ideas and do not enjoy a job in which you have no creative input or voice in decision-making. You could be a good politician, spokesperson, group leader, director, or coach.


Now doesn't tat sound so like me?heheh....I got it from astrology.com

lost it....

Rite now i don't feel like doing music any more.I'm juz lost it.I've lost my inspiration in continueing my dream.Maybe it's coz i stay at home to much or juz feeling kinda low.Been sorta discouraged.Most the time mum discourages me n tat hurts me alot.Thinking about it so much brings endless nites.I keep thinking about it soo much.Have tis feeling i won't be accepted into Sydney-U.Can't go to Boston(Berklee) or UK(Kingston).... I don wanna study music locally.... And I'm not good at anything else.or tats wat i think.
*sigh* i do alot of tat now a days.Dunno y.I'm juz worried i suppose.I worry too much.. ;p
All i wanna do now is get away frm home n get recharged.Wif so much discouragement i feel like an idiot walking around blindly....
Tat reminds me....
About feeling hopeless?I don't think i feel TAT hopeless anymore.I got a few compliments frm a few adults on my leadership in church.Tat really brought my spirits up.The thing is i nvr realize it until ppl tell me face to face,directly or indirectly.... Maybe i'm juz not hopeless at the christian side but my worldly side i am...i dunno...
Btw,those who r not in here... There's a new pastor frm Indon which juz arrived in church yesterday.Gina said he came here to look for wife.N he's not joking about it....Now tats darn freaky can't to think about it... *shish* ppl now-a-days.

My Birthday...

Sum of u r juz dying to know wat happened to me yesterday... =) There were no candles,celebration or anythin special in particular.
Was reading a book the night before.Cudn't sleep.... Didn't see the time go by.Wen i finally did i realized it's my bday.... But silence was everywere.There were scent of roses in my room.A bday present i got for myself.heheh... Always wanted flowers for a special day =) Looked over at my sister who was sound asleep.Took a glance at my hp which and *sighed*. It's gonna be a lonely and silent bday i thought though i also knoe it wudn't be tat bad.Wat i got at the strike of midnight was an sms and a short call and tat was it.Cudn't sleep but knew there wud be more calls n sms coming.After all i had 24hours at hand. =)
Woke up in the morning smiling at myself.Wonderin wat wud happen to me.All i know is there won't be any suprise parties tis time =) and there wudn't be much gifts.But to me the thoughts count.I went to the PC,opened my mail to find mails.Bday greetings...Now tat put a smile on my face.After tat I got ready and went for violin lesson.Todays juz gonna be as normal as every Wednesday.Was thinking of watching a movie by myself or juz walkin around the park after orchestra practise but tat didn't happen.No car n no 1 took me out.so ya....
After lesson got home to check my mail finding again a whole bunch of bday mails.Aunty took me out for a bday treat at noon.I asked her to do the roses for me n she din wanna do it until i told her it's my bday.So tat was about it.... Got sms-es frm frens another call and tat was it....
Afternoon i got a suprised call frm sum insurance company or sumthing sayin they were outside my gate wif a present for me sister(referin to me).... heheh... Haven touched it yet though...Can't believe it but ya tat was about it.
Evening time was hell.Parens din wan me to take the car n they took me out for a bday dinner though it seems more like a normal thing.Went around the city for i think 30min.I got car sick too so felt horrible.Wished my parens cud drive better.There were arguements in the car n stuff so all i did was turn up the volume of my mp3 and waited to eat.After tat parents sent me for practise.Got another call frm kl... WC... heheh... Now she thought my bday sounded sad but oh wells.it's not as bad as it seems.Orchestra practise seemed dull tat time.My flutist fren din turn up so it seemed lonely.Waited n waited but nothing happened.Then halfway playin i got an overseas call... (thanks pal)... suprised me then... heheh After practise,bos asked if i felt better.I dunno y i said wat i said but i said "How can i feel better wen it's my bday?" To my suprise he stopped everyone frm leaving,anounsin tat it's me bday n playin a bday song on the piano... Now tat really made me smile alot..heheh... I'm greatful i have such a cool bos.Gonna miss him lots once i leave.
Home I waited on my bed for time to pass...Read comics i found downstairs juz to make time pass quick.To my suprise,i got 2 more other calls frm over-the-seas.Really made my day u guys.... It was really a total suprise.For the first time in weeks i went to bed wif a smile on my face.So tat was my bday... Silent in a way,special in it's way... Didn't expected much.... =) But m sorta happy for wat it came as...

jazz orchestra

Btw, it's not my bday yet la.. =)
woke up calling lyn good bye.After tat i juz cudn't sleep no more. *sigh* wonder how church wud b without 1 of my best buddies.Gonna totally feel weird.But life goes on. =) now tats for sure....
Anyways,...jazz orchestra..... It's 1 of the places i actually look forward too where i can feel relaxed n juz not worry even though i mayb pretty quiet there which i was sortta very last nite.Bos was like saying i looked tired.Ya,tired of life =) I told him i juz had no mood.For sum reason we were talking about bdays and a few orchestra members had their bdays last nite... heheh.... oh wells,lotsa august babies around i realized...
Anyways,we were juz talkin while waitin for mum to fetch me.Tats after practise la.I dunno y but i juz started talking about how i'm feeling.A total horrible feeling which has been clinging on me for days.Told him bout my parents and music application.About how i don wanna do classic like mum n stuff.... To my suprise, he said i look more like a person in the worldly side.More of contemporary n pop then classic.He said i'd do better at tat side.It then dawn on me tat it's actually very true.I never seem to hit the rite note all the time playing classic.He said quite alot of things like it's a conflict between wat we love,wanna do n parens.So wat can i say about it.I sorta learned quite alot by talking to him.All in all i think i'd juz go Sydney Con 1st then we'll see wat happens.

Not looking forward

Time passes.... and fast too...
Gonna do my recording for my music application tmr nite hopefully.I wanna get all those done bef wed. But the thing is I'm so not looking forward to it.The more i think about it the more i juz wanna stay home n do nothing.The more i don't wanna see anyone who'll make me cry again as it is.The more i wanna see my old frens who makes me laugh all the time.The more I wanna lose myself.The more i wanna die.
I can't even get myself roses which I've always wanted. *sigh* The fact tat the world feels like it's tumbling down on me.I'm grounded,hardly sleep(sister talks in her sleep and snores),starting to feel ill again n sortta feel lonely(mayb coz everyone's leaving),parens 'tembaking' me day in and day out,siblings get in my way doin.All me....
Cried pretty badly yesterday.Kept so much things in me i finally burst out yesterday.I juz dunno wat else bad cud happen.I hate August so much i can't wait till it's september.Can't wait till i'm long gone.Can't wait till i'm finally a sumboday again.Can't wait till i can actually finally post a cheery n happy post on my blog... Nothing will chance.Not for now.... And tat I'm certain.I'm not preventing it.I'm juz certain.

Maybe it's juz me

Yesterday did a sermon in church.Was actually preaching.Actually no 1 was preaching n since the whole service was under the youth, i felt responsible though not a youth leader anymore to try do sumthing for the Lord.The only prob is I only actually prepared 24 hours bef i was up there.... Darn scary n sudn't be done.But the whole thing din really go tat bad.The only thing is i came home feeling really hurt... Y?
I always expect the close frens to be around supporting me thru things or ppl to cum to my performances juz to support me but it seems tat never seems to happen to me.I found out the ppl i wanted to be there in front of me were not in sight,my cousin(bck for holiday) chit-chattin wif his wife n sum other stuff... But the suprise i got was my uncle who normally sleeps in church din actually sleep wen i started talking,the church was quieter,ppl who don't normally listen to sermons had their eyes on me(or may they juz dreamin away).... I was juz sumthing.... :)
At 1st i was super scared.Worried is more like it.But thank God for the youth who actually comforted me n Ps Francis who prayed for me.It actually touched my hurt n suprised me for the ppl that did those,i din expect them to be so encouraging towards me.Was hoping in getting it more from frens i trust n look to.At 1st i was shaking and ppl responded.I was darn scared but i let God lead me.Sooner or later it felt like i was talking to God himself.I felt like i was talkin to a very close fren... Tats wen the prob started... lol... Tats were all the 'eh' and 'leh' and 'y like tat1' came out.Lets juz say all my slang from kl came out... most of them...heheh.... :) But after everything i felt great,in a way la.... I felt sortta connect to God totally... Tat was until i started meeting ppl n shaking their hands.Sum ppl commented sum ppl they juz shoke my hand n left.Others din bother saying anything as if i din do anything at all.Sum encouraged me more saying i should do pastorin considerin how a good speaker i am.The way sum ppl said things made me wonder... "are they telling the truth?" "Y r they lying?"
I find ppl sayin my sermon was good wen most the time i find them chit-chattin.Now tat really hurt me alot but wat m i to do...
Life is like tat... I dunno wat else to see in the church.... Dunno how i feel next week.... Am hoping things wud be better for me.I juz think too much....

Sickening....

I'm sickening...
Can't believe how such an idiot i am...
Things hasn't been goin rite for me for these couple of days.My privacy invaded,heat killing me,frens leaving,parents getting on my back,siblings getting me into trouble,sleepless nights.... Wat else cud go wrong.....
I'm a very light sleeper.If u mentioned my name wen i'm sleeping or talk about me,I wake up straight away n fully awake too.Can't sleep wif the light on or without sumthing to hold.Can't sleep wif the slightest noice like ppl typing msg on the hp.Once a person snores,kicks me,knocks on the door or watever else I'll be wide awake.Wat else is new wen there's mosquitos buzzing around every nite and these has been goin on for the pass few days since sis moved into my room.I can't even watch my late nite shows on my portable TV or cry alone wen needed too.Not forgetting wen havin a private conversation wif a fren,i can't have it any more... Room invaded.All i can do now is leave home for Auzzie.There my aunty wud giv me my own room... hopefully la... =) *sigh* I can't leave my things lying around coz sis wud disturb them and i wudn't be suprise if things go *kaput*, spoilt or lost.I'm also sufferin in my own room.It's either too cold or too hot.So every few hours i hav to switch on n off the aircon.Esp wif the haze i dunno wat else to think of.Maybe the best idea is not think at all... hmmm.... now tats a thought.
Tmr's gonna be a busy day for me.Morning i'd be doing sermon.Afternoon i hav to bring the youth for ice-kacang.Night time got interior design exam for 3 hours which I'm so totally not prepared for.Wat else is new wen I have to do my music recording for my application on tue n have to practise for special music tmr.... *sigh* I suppose being busy is good...=) Go figure out myself... I'm weird ;)
Btw, Happy Sabbath... Haven said tat for quite sum time...

Honoured... =)

Hehehe....
Y??
Well, I've juz been personally asked by tis form1 guy frm sum school (which I'm not gonna mention) to teach him clarinet.The surprisin thing is I only teach piano n ppl don't normally ask me to teach them.I get my students all from mum =) Was kinda surprised but the same time honoured.I mean a person cud easily get a teacher from a music school instead of coming straight to a person not knowing their qualification...
Blueekkk!!! ;p heheh... Talking about qualification,i AM qualified but in the sense of only teaching piano n violin.Not really the clarinet teaching type.But wat the heck.My 1st student.Gonna charge him RM80.Do u think tats expensive? hmmmm.... I do actually for an person who is not even graduated frm Uni yet.But then on the other hand I'm teaching him 1hour straight and normally a beginner takes 30 min lesson... =) So i suppose RM80 is ok rite??
heheh..... I'm really a wanted teacher....
Not only tat but sum music school was looking for music teacher and mum introduced me to them.They asked my details and wen mum said i was or am(not yet) 20years old;they were like "wah!! so young...." Hmmm....U don't have to be old to teach rite? Well, I dunno the out cum of it but hopefully i get the job.After all $$ is coming in rite?? heheh ;p me abit money face now a days.Dunno y.I suppose the feeling tat ur working for the money instead of getting it free frm parens. =)
Well, i'll update wen the time cums ;)

Over-powering

Heheh...
Drove my mum's mercedes...or rather have been driving it.Not much though... I feel so different.Feel I'm above all other driver...muahahah....heheheh... The feeling is juz mixed la.Kinda hard to drive.Feels heavy.Speeding oso takes time but driving pass cars n fast is sumthing.... =)
Sis says i look funny.Little gal driving big car...Now tat i totally admit...heheh... I know it does look kinda odd.But wat the heck.. +)
But then again i do miss my red car...Coz i can use tat car any time.With the merc,i have to ask permission n mum won't let me drive it all the time...
Oh wells... =)

Accident

Happened yesterday evening.But it's not me.Was my mum on MY CAR.... with a proton -_-!!
So now i don't have a car to drive unless i drive those big cars.. =( Was juz thinkin how said J wud b without his car n me and mum were talkin about me driving the big cars.Now it seems i'm in the same situation... Oh wells, thank goodness mum's alright and safe though shocked.The whole thingy took place juz outside church area and the curve there..... Scary.Dad said he could hear the loud BANG!!! frm home but i don't think i heard it.I did frooze for awhile at tat moment not knowing mum was in an accident.At tat moment i was on the PC checking all my mails which was long not checked.
*sigh* now got problem going for rehearsals, lessons or fetching my siblings.Parents have been soooo wanting me to drive the big car.So i tried dad's car last nite(Prado). Felt kinda light using the car but hard to estimate distance.Maybe it's coz i was wearing my specs o mayb i'm juz not use to it....Felt like the 1st time i drove on the main road...(remember tat time lyn??) heheh... it was really freaky.Dunno wat else cud happen. I no car for a month of more... ='( and to think i ate driving....Hmmm.....

Spinning mind

I'm the kinda person tat thinks alot.Thinks too much in fact.About alot of things.Prob is i dunno wat i'm thinking about.It's like hearing soooo many ppl talking in 1 go.Complicating i know but tats the way i work.
I can't seem to stand too much noise these days.Normally i can juz block those noises but now it's juz awfully hard.I burst out afew times at home having juz too much noise.Too much argument.Too much negativity.I nearly burst out last night wen at the Sunny Hill charity dinner.During prayer there were lotsa noise n it juz didn't feel rite.It reminded me of the time Jesus burst out knowing his holy place was a place or selling and buying....It reminded me tat the world is wat it is and is today.
Simple as it is.I'm tryin to stay far away frm too much negative settings.I juz can't take tat much.M juz not emotionally stable rite now....
*sigh*