something about the week..

What I've done this whole week was really something.
Watched movie,became driver,went to theme park,went for lyn's house warming party,went cave with the gang and went out with cousins.
Yesterday we all went to the cave at bau.It was an hours journey or maybe coz the car I was tailing was driving pretty slow.Yes.I was the other driver.2 gals and 7 guys all together.Fizzi the other driver.We did enjoy ourselves or rather i sorta did.Was admiring God's creation.Made me think back to the time i was younger and more innocent.When the time i hardly had frens and depended more on mother nature.Made me rethink the wonderful moments i felt with nature.It was amazing and beautiful.Aside from the bat shit and the dark.I really feared it.There were times some of the guys really started annoying me but i tried not to sceam "shut up".There was this time we were right under the bats when Silas asked everyone to switch off their torch.I felt like screaming coz everyone practically listened to him.And I was then in pure dark.I wanted to scream i felt like i was alone though i wasn't.I was urging some of the torch holder to on the torch.It was either they were under the spell of Silas,they didn't hear me or they didn't bother....Now that was one fear i had to face that day at Wind Cave.
2nd place,Fairy Cave.That was something.I didn't know the whole journey was practically steps.Reminded me of China,Great Wall.And considering I have bronchitis i really had a little problem climbing those steps.Then I started realising my legs were practically shaking.I had forgotten that I feared heights.My mind and legs didn't work together so the whole time i was trying to control myself and suprisingly i was the 2nd to get outta the cave.The steps were wet,small and steep.Was puffing and puffing the whole time.Catching my breath and trying to control my legs from collapsing.lol... kinda funny....That was the story...
Fun going out with the gang.The only problem is once there is something to do with family and home then I'm back to sadness and frustration.
Oh wells....
Tmr 1 of my cousin will be going bck to Rino,US.Next week the guys would be going back to school.The week after(i think),my uncle would be coming bck from US.And sun I'll be in kl... =D

Merry Christmas!!

Christmas eve was something.Other then it being sabbath and stuff... Lyn,'the sims',eva all came back.All the familiar faces came back and were in church.Made me smile for that moment.Sweet memories and laughter floods my mind.But at the same time sadness... Pr Francis has just left Kuching.His family all moved to Penang.Talk about all my close frens being there... oh wells.... He was one of the ppl that actually help me through and gave me encouragement.
Anyways... Christmas....
On the eve,the choir sang at Merdeka Palace. And again I found someone who actually shares the same observation about the choir and stuff...At least now I don't feel like I'm a freak who likes to complain alot and stuff... =) But we did have fun.I suddenly switched from soprano to alto that night.The alto's needed my help and I thought the soprano was bigger in no thinking they were ok.A few other strong alto's begged for my help so I was partly sight reading and making sure my fellow alto mates could hear me and sing the right tune.
After singing and eating alot(food provided by the hotel),me and the gang went out to the theme park.only 5 of us though---Chun,J,Lyn,Wycliffe and i.Kinda lame the theme park.Expensive and lame.It could just be me considering I've ride on the other theme parks like the one in Aussie,Korea and Brunei.But what the heck.We hanged out till pass midnight then I had to go home.It was already drizzeling then.Makes me wish that it was snowing instead but what can i say.I'm living in the tropical part of the world.It would definately take a miracle for snow to actually appear here.... =)
Now I'm just waiting for time to pass.Waiting for the gang to contact me.We're suppose to visit Dan and Laverne.Dunno what else to do but make myself fat for now...
=)
Merry Christmas....

Animal Slave

That's discribing me.And it has always been that way.Since i was a little gal.I remembered when i was young,the animals were my only frens and they were always there around me.They talked to me... lol... it sounds like some fairy tale rite? =) Well,it did happen.And I'm not a lunatic.I could see in their eyes what nobody else could see.I could feel how they felt.They have feelings like us humans after all.This is why i wanted to be a vet in the 1st place but it's a long story to tell...
Yesterday chun and i went to SSPCA(animal shelter).I wanted to work with animals before i left Kuching.But upon arriving,the place was not what i vissioned it to be.It was wet and sad.The staff were so not friendly and i could hear the poor animals cries.There were dogs,cats,puppies and kittens.We walked around looking at every single dogs and cats available there.The look in their eyes.Their cries that begged us to take them home.I wish I could take all of them home but i just couldn't.
1st my parents would kill me.
2nd I'm leaving soon so nobody would take care of them.
3rd Don't think i can afford all of them.
4th no space in my house.I don't stay in a mansion.
5th I just bought 2new puppies

Their sad eyes pierce my heart.The sounds of their cries stays in my mind.And soon I *sigh*... Chun and i wanted to take those animals back that we decided to leave.Staying too long there might end up making us actually get a pet from there... ;p I decided not to work there after all.Conclusion---I'll end up wanting to bring those animals home and actually feel like cuddling them and petting them.
Not only that,I mentioned earlier that i got 2 new pups.Actually they belong to my brothers.But it seems to be me spending more time with them.I run to every cry they make.And they follow me where eva I go.
Watching national geography,my eyes get glued to the tv.Makes me wish the show could last the whole day =) ...lol...Maybe not that long la... But I just love watching that show.If only we had more tvs in the house. ;p
So in short, I AM an animal slave.I love them more then anything in the world.And they are everything to me.... =)

1st caroling of the year....

Was fun... Or rather it's fun coz some of the guys are back.Feel like they never left Kuching at all...Ok ok..Maybe there are afew changes for each individual but I'm happier now... =D Reminds me of wen I 1st joined the youth.Such memories. *sigh*
We did the cantata at Travilion.Wasn't worried abit coz it's not my choir.My whole idea of Christmas is just to carol and thats it.The choir did better then they did in church last sabbath which was cool considering we were singing in public.Scary in a way and also hot.All of us were practically melting away.heheh...
My solo part was not that bad.In fact i thought i did better then in church as well...Suprisingly i wasn't as nervous as wen performing in church and that's good.Finally facing my fear slooowly. =)
I finally found someone who shares the same view of the choir.... Dan..... I'm not going to say further then that... =)
Travilion is an ok place.It sorta reminds me of China.I mean the way it's design.The only difference is that Travilion is smaller then the shopping area in China.It's still empty but i suppose giving it a year would be good....I have no idea why but i noticed that they have like more then 10 saloons there.At least 4 on each side.Go figure that out.hmmmm.....
But overall I'm happy and i did enjoy myself.I always do during caroling.heheh...

Not forgetting another interesting news.For those who knows Randy,he's engaged already.Actually he's getting engage tmr.That's all the news here in kuching at the moment.

Accidents...

I've been alot of things ppl would never think of or imagined that i've actually gone through those time.I've experience and felt alot of things more then anyone can imagine.But still no matter what I'm still alive yet shaken by the world.Certain happiness,sadness,frustration and shock .... i have felt is beyond what anyone can imagine.Sometimes my imagination makes my life seem more interesting but the fact that what I've gone through in life is more then what i can imagine myself yet it's a lesson to be learned from.
Talk about car accidents... Been there,done that,felt that.How about the air bags?Always wondered what it's like and stuff.Now i know.... I understand now how the pressure of the bag can actually kill ppl esp asians....The strong impact which it gives doesn't make you feel that it's from the car itself but makes ur body numb and soon after in pain. *kids,don try this at home* It's also a painful process so don't try it.I'm serious.Or maybe it's coz i'm small and very fragile.But thats besides the point.The point is drive safely and keep a look out for dangerous drivers out there.No difference being so careful when sum wild driver is out there not exactly aware of their surroundings....
And if your wondering, yup I've gotten bruses on my arm and it feels like hell.... So I'm serious.Keep your seatbelts fasten,bring your license where eva you go,be alert when on the road and drive safely.Don't think it's funny now....

Happy birdy

Yup.me again.Seem to be blogging quite alot this week....
I woke up this morning finding out that mum and the boys had went out for golf.Sis was still sleeping and the maid already being a busy bee...It was almost 9am then.
I took a shower,got dressed,...those kinda stuff and headed downstairs.There it was;right in front of my eyes.The results of the exams.Actually i didn't wanna see or peak.Was scared.In fact I was hoping for the worse.Though I knew i wasn't going to fail yet i fear the comment and marking.But my curiousity won over me.So i went to my mum's file and searched.To my suprise i got a 82/100 which is a merit.Then i looked at it again.I could have gotten a distinction with only 3 more marks... *dang!*
What the heck... At least i gotten quite high results considering I hardly practise my singing and screwed my exercise part. ;p But then again i could have gotten a distinction with just 3 more marks.
I did ok with my ear test suprisingly.Gotten 7/10.I thought I did badly for that.I couldn't find the report.I just saw my marks so dunno what he comment.
Heheh... At least I'm getting somewhere.Facing my fears 1 by 1... =)

Death!!!

I opened my eyes to see it bright.It was already 7am.Felt like taking a shower then head back to bed.Can't help but wake up early all the time.Wondered how today would be like.Hmmm... It was Jus' birthday and had to send my relative to the airport.Not forgetting settle my payment for Sydney U and pick up my pay....
Heard noises outside my room so open to hear what the noise was all about realising that mum was on the phone i went back to bed.I was about to dose off to dream world when I heard it.... "When is her funeral...?" That woke me up.Soon realising another person whom i loved who actually cared about me has finally died.My heart beat races and i felt stoned for that moment.She was 1 of my maid who really took really good care of me.I loved her dearly and called her everytime i saw her.She was finally resting peacefully.She had breast cancer which evantually spread to her brain and other part of her body.Her husband was also in a dying state and they still had a 12year old adopted child.
I didn't know what to think.I hated that feeling.I find myself wishing it was me which is dead instead.I've always wish that.... That I would die instead of the person that has actually departed.I felt like they deserve another chance to explore this world and make a difference.I've no use to stay longer here.They would have more time with their love ones.
I promised myself I'll visit her when I have the time soon realising i should have done it sooner.The last time i saw her,she cried when she saw me and insisted i sit next to her while the other church members sang to her and talked to her.She loved me and my family dearly.And I'll really miss her.Miss the times she would panic and rush to me when she thinks I'm sad or crying or alone.I'll miss her long hair she kept;telling me that it represents beauty.I'll miss those days.....I'll miss her....
*sigh*But i suppose looking at the bright side she did made a difference in me.She thought me how to iron and wash up.She thought me how to be strong in certain situation.She thought me that God is a wonderful thing in ones life.That everything is ok and that we should be who we are...

Shall we dance...

That was 1 of my exam pieces... Had my singing exam today.I didn't feel all that nervous and stuff till a few minutes before my actual exam.I always seem to have that problem.Stage fright or that matter being up front trying to impress someone.Or maybe it's just the big space and the echo from the music i make.I used to feel really nervous before even weeks before my exam.Now it's ok but still i only start to panic minutes before the actual occasion.Arrgghhh!!! I can't stand it.I was so scared I screwed my singing exercise(no scales for singing)... My music was ok but my ear test was a bummer....The lady before me did the same grade 5 singing exam but her ear test was much easier then mine which is just so so unfair. Arrgghhh!!! I know I'll pass though but dunno wat grading he'll give me.Or maybe it's because of the supervisor who can't seem to shut his mouth.He told the examiner that I'm the daughter of my mum...Maybe that's why he gave me a more difficult ear test. I was so nervous I could hear my voice tremmerr.... My feet were stable for the 1st time but I could feel my throat tighten...What the heck... It's over.
But this morning I sorta suprised myself.Was practising my songs with mum and for the 1st time I sang confidantly.Noramlly I wouldn't sing confident esp with her around but i sorta gave it my heart.Gave it my all.. I felt prepared.It was a real pleasant feeling... =)
Now that was the day...
Tonight I just found out that i wasn't accepted into music education. *sniff* =( I feel real hurt.I knew i wudn't get accepted.Coz once being interviewed I always seem to screw things up.So i suppose I deserved it.The fella told me that I could try to reapply next year then they can transfer my credits...So I'll definately try again next year.I wanna specialise in sumthing rather then doing music just in general.
My cousin who is a music graduate has been discouraging me in doing music.I feel so hurt everytime we talk about music.Not only her but my mum also seems to be discouraging me.My cousin says I look more like a japanese model then a musician.She keeps telling me to do modeling.She and my aunty says i look like a Hong Kong movie star.Not to mention they say the pay is better then doing music.
*sigh*
I'm still gonna do music no matter what.... If modeling also who would want me?Not like anyone would take me in.I'll definately fail the interview... =(

About me this year....

I came back from kl knowing that I've changed alot... Appearance,charactor and how i bring myself about... Many people say I changed for the better but my parents say I changed for the worse.
Coming home,staying home for the year was a huge decision for me.Esp me knowing the out come of it.After all,I went to kl to study was actually just to leave home and stay far away..I did missed the food and my doggies.Not forgetting the youth that time when they were still home but I never missed home nor did i actually miss Kuching or my family or anything else.
At the begining of the year I was confident.Nothing could pull me down.I had high spirit and dreams.I was so positive people seeked me for help most the time.I did everything to make things better.I cared about every single detail or problem.I had every answer for every question.I was certain about everything i did.Everything was done confidently....
But that soon all faded by the 5-6th month.Dreams colapse.Heart started breaking.Started sliding back.Became more negative.My fire and desire in me burn out.Now I'm totally unsure of things.Not all question I could answer.Problems are left unsaid or unfixed.Not caring for everything or anything.Feeling lost and alone most the time.Sad most the time and things just bring me feeling low to the ground.
Me?yes... But the thing was it was me all along.
I just didn't say it out.Horrible dreams and happenings stay in me left unsaid.untold.Sadness and anger was hidden from the world.I hid it well....I didn't think anyone would know how sad i was my whole life.Or rather since my teenage life.I haven exploded yet.Not yet.I just seem to be having a leak some where... =) instead of bursting there are leaks in me.This year i just couldn't keep everything that is in me.At times I'll burst out everything but on the other hand I'll just keep quiet and pretend that nothings the matter.I find myself needing someone.Never before needing someone.You may say it's good needing someone but i come to realise i need you alot which is a bad thing.I can't seem to stand on my two feet like i used to.I'm totally unsure of things.I seem to feel that I have infact 2sides of me.1 that craves to burst out being wild and the other holding unto myself being curled up not letting go.
Being in a group i find myself answering alot.Only the problem is nobody hears me.The words don't come outta me.It stays for only me to hear.At times i feel like speaking out but my muscle tense up and my mouth is either kept shut or opens with laughter... =) I keep things being told to me to myself.I keep myself from people yet at times force myself to show up and open up.
I find myself being alot like my father;a person i don't wanna follow in the foot steps off...I hate the many food he hates.I look more like him then any of my siblings.I have the heart of a caring person.I have quite a temper at times.I have a very violent side and I have freckles... ;p not forgetting stubborn.
The more my parents prevent me from doing things,the more i seem to want to do them.The more people want to see me hidden away,the more I wanna be heard and seen.I find myself splitting into 2.What is right and what my heart knows is right.What is true and what is not...
My mind is clouded with doubt,fear,anger and sadness... Everwhere i go whatever i do i fear.Don't ask me what i fear and why.I don't know.I just have the sense of fear in me.The horrible feeling I wanna get rid of.The feeling i wanna face.
I don't wanna be alone.I don't wanna fight my battles alone but I suppose in life it's just a solo journey.A solo journey to death....

whole week's work

finally over...over...over.... Woohoo!!!
It was kinda boring.Worse then the last one.Didn't really mixed better with the rest then before.Maybe because i just didn't have any mood or maybe it's just the bunch of people.There's this woman who wears real think make up and is super darn lazy not forgetting proud and thinks she's sum beauty queen that only thinks the easy way of getting money.She wants to lose more weight though she looks like a corpse already.But that's not my problem.There's the fat lady i mentioned earlier on who laughs at lame stuff and follows the beauty queen painting her face.There's the short lady that talks to me and thinks whatever she says is interesting though it's not(felt pity for her so talk to her sometimes).There's this other guy who thinks he knows alot about everything(make me sound so dumb and feel like a no-brainer)...The other 4 are the same... S,Z,M and F...
Found afew talents within my work-mates.2 of them can draw pretty well.S and the beauty queen.They are not bad at all..
I came to realize this week that there are alot of guys interested in me.Guys as in students from the college itself.It actually suprised me.Was talking to one of my ex-classmate who was sitting for exam and she told me quite alot of stuff...I mean i come every morning sumtimes being scared(i can't help it)... to make me forget about my fear i just walk in pass everyone confidently.It actually helps instead of hiding away like i used to do in high school.There's this guy who never actually notices me or looks at me during high school is now trying every oppotunity to get my attention. Kinda funny just thinking about it.Some of my other frens don't even recognise me.It's as if i totally change my features.The only difference the the specs,hair length and the fact that I'm fatter then i was then and not forgetting the way i bring myself.I suppose it's all thanks to being in kl for the 2years.I'm more confident then i was.Though I still fear alot of things people don't really think i have any negative 'chi' in me.
I suppose I'm glad all that is over.No more waking up early,doing nothing,working late and staring into the air...
Now back to reality and .........Christmas...........

SONS classic orchestra sucks-----> BIG TIME!!!

Went to try it out considering I quit my jazz orchestra.I just miss the feeling of playing in a group producing really nice music.I can't seem to get that now being in Kuching.It's like the music quality is really going down low.
Anyway,today was my 1st try out.Went there everyone had a serious face on.The thing is i could feel the uncomfortable feeling all around me.But what the heck.Played a few pieces or rather sightread everysingle one.Considering I was new I marked a few markings on the music sheats and put down my violin just for a slight second to mark or to figure out the tempo.The problem?? ---->> the stupid conductor.
He scolded me indirectly which made me really feel tremendously absolutely embarrass.The doesn't give the beat for each piece.Just expect us to come in just like that.So i was like not only trying to figure out the timing but also sight reading and trying to catch the bowing considering the whole violin section's bowing parts were in a huge mess....He didn't scold my violin teacher or the other teachers there.That made me real pissed off which comes back to the conclusion.... I should have listen to mum from the begining.She never actually let me join that particular conductor's orchestra.Now that really added up into my frustrating week.
All i just wanted to do was have fun during the Christmas season playing with a group of musicians producing real nice music for people to listen.Is that a sin?I can't even enjoy my most favourite season.Even the cantata is starting to sound sucky to me sorry to say.It's like people don't try their best to produce nice music.It's like they don't hear the horrible music they make.What has become of the music here?I'm even starting to feel that my sense in music playing and hearing is getting worse.And when i say worse i mean worse.I just can't wait to leave this place.I can't imagine my music becoming any worse then what it is now.And I'm worried about it.
Overall... advise to all musicians in Kuhching... DON'T EVER EVER join the classic orchestra coz you'd not only not enjoy it but you're standard of playing would be worse...

Sabbath

Yup it's finally a day of rest for me..Halleluja..
Finally no more high heels,no more standing and walking around the whole day...No more doing nothing... But then since it's sabbath still have to wear nice nice la... And this is only a temporary break.Will still be working next week. *sigh* But for all the suffering I suppose it's worth it for the cash.... $$$$ heheh..
Chun's back.Finally...And he's not as fat as i thought he was... ;p heheh... Seriously chun,u were fatter wen u left Kuching.Thanks Vina for the stuff u though I wasn't expecting anything.U didn't have to u knoe.Now i have to get sumthing back for you for Christmas... I pinned up the card you wrote for the youth on the notice board so no worries.Btw,there hasn't been a youth leader in the church since I've resign.

I opened my mail this morning to get a mail from Sydney.Suppose to schedule an interview with 1 of the person in charge.Oh how i hate interviews.I always seem to blow things up... I never seem to get pass through interviews.I blew the one in school with the prefects(i wanted to be a prefect),I blew the one with NESCAFE kickstart(the dream-job thingy),pluss there's the... errr.... I can't actually remember but i juz remember i don't do well in interviews.I know there are a few interviews in school which i din get through but wat the heck.Tat time i was really quiet and timid... I suppose I have to look at the bright side of things.I deffinately can do this and get through tis after all the trials I have gone through...
We'll juz have to wait and see....