Jesus' Blood never failed me yet

We actually listened to this music in Creative music skill's class.And it was really something.I encourage u all to listen to it.There is a story behind it.The composer's name is Gavin Bryars.
The main singer is a tramp.They were recording voices searching for a suitable voice for their play.Gavin heard the record and it was suprisingly in tune with the piano.The left the recording on on a loop and went for a coffee break returning to find the ppl around calmer and some weeping realising that the recording of the old man's voice was still playing.The song only got real famous after a few years later.They tried to find the old man again but unfortunately he died.
The song entirely goes for 70-90minutes(or so says my lecturer).
1st impression when I heard it?
It started with the tramp but softly then gradually louder.We were all puzzled.It sounded like a drunk man or rather a person singing in the shower not knowing his voice was being recorded.Then the strings joins him which made more sense and the light feeling of the whole thing.Can't to think of of(I'm listening to it right now),it has enough power to make me cry.The touching voice and music background is totally something.
Later the whole orchestra joins in then the choir and Tom Waits sings with the tramp.But mind you,the tramp didn't sing life.It's his voice recording.
The great poignancy in his voice and the "human-ness" of the voice was something.The rhythm of his vocal line may be erratic and there is considerable irony in the relationship between what he is singing and his circumstances at the time.
It is a definite piece to listen to esp when you're stress or need to relax....

"Jesus' blood never failed me yet
Never failed me yet
Jesus' blood never failed me yet
There's one thing I know
For he loves me so... "

Do I look that horrible?

Today was weird.Some how i seem to be bumping into ppl and I mean literally bumping into them.It's like any other ordinary quiet day.
A had made me realize I was still holding my burden from home and today I found more.
Went for piano lesson and at the end of it, my teacher was asking questions.The normal thing she does every week.My lesson was worse from last week.I can't seem to relax when I play in front of my teachers.Ean's right,we try to hard when we actually do better by being ourselves.She said I looked depressed everytime I walk into the room.Do I look that horrible?I wouldn't think ppl would notice it.It made my mind wonder alot after that.I haven been happy since my siblings came to the world.I'm not blaming them but that's how it is.I was happy when I was a little girl.That I know.Once those little ones start coming around, I got scolded and depression was kept in silence which was why I was a timid and quiet little girl.During teenage life I thought I'd be able to change it.I remember thinking,"what if I spoke up.Maybe ppl would understand and I would be happier".So that's what I did.I answered back and explained.But it didn't work and I thought if I spoke more then they'll listen and understand, which made things worse.I became a bomb.Exploding whenever I felt like it and I couldn't help it.
College was great.My wonderful friends there showed me life and made me open up.I was more relaxed and see life through senses instead of as it is.But it wasn't enough.Being still close to home I still felt pressured and depressed.I didn't go out much with friends coz I knew my parents wouldn't have liked it.As most of you may know, my parents were strict about me going out.You could hardly get me out of the house.Even going out with church friends were difficult.So I stayed at campus most the time burrying myself with work loads,sorrow and textbooks.Outcome? I never did greatly in anything.I just wasn't happy at all.No point studying my head off when all I could think of was worry.
Came home(last year).Felt lighter then I ever was which pulled me back to where I am now.I realize I've never actually been happy in my entire life and I've decided to go out more in the sense of really socializing.I need it.My mind needs it.My confidence needs it.My future needs it.
Problem is how am I suppose to change?I need understanding ppl who'll really help me out.Where do I find those kinda ppl.Can the ppl I've clicked with here be trusted?
I've never been happy with anyone close to me(meaning family:blood wise).Never...Most of my expressions ppl see are fake which makes me realize they don't see the real me.They don't see how much I needed comforting or needed company.
I really need to do something about my problem before it kills me.I know I can do great things and be great.I can see it in the future,but I need to change quite a no of things in my life.And no.1 on my list is my atmosphere.I need to find fun and happiness instead of chaining myself to education and worrying about my parents.Sure,they pay my fees but my future IS my future and they aren't going to let me rott.
I sure hope those NZ guys will help change all my worries.Looking forward to the weekend... =)

Great day!! =)

Sabbath is as normal as it is.I went to church hoping I will meet 1 of the youth who is actually some where around my age.End up meeting 2 other new ppl from NZ.Really nice bunch of guys though they actually came late to church.Sabbath school,I waited and spoke when I couldn't hold up my thoughts.Didn't actually talk much to the youth(the guy I intended to meet.We'll call him A).Decided to stay back for some big celebration of the pastor.Though I was darn exhausted I still wanted to try to chat with A.But didn't succeed.He was more to this bunch of girls who were years younger then me.So I just played the piano then I help around and hang around.Noticing to 2 new guys were there,I came over and we started chatting.The best thing was we clicked and there were no awkward silence.Not like when I was talking with A.
After the celebration,3 of us went over and jammed awhile.1 of the guy on the violin and me on the piano while the other hold the page from flying.. ;p Then the church organist came over and we made alot of noise in church.It was the piano,organ and the violin.Really cool =) I've never enjoyed so much this year.This was the best.Might go over their place and jam if i can find the time.Might even follow them to go visit other churches instead of staying at 1 church.
Besides the new friends I met,the newly pastor played a special no and he wasn't that bad.Considering he graduated from a music school before ministering,I'd think he was either rusty or not really that great.Definately better then me but not the kinda fresh graduated musician.
Now back in my room with my uncle with the TV on super loud.I'm really super exhausted.Not enough sleep.Was thinking of practising since he's busy making his own noise but I think I'll make my own noise later.I'm darn exhausted.I'll wait till after dinner.
I just keep thinking about those 2 guys.I think I'll be back on my violin soon =) Haven touched my clarinet yet though.Have to be really free to play my clarinet.And since classes begin I can't seem to find the time to mess around with my violin.Maybe with these guys I'll find more confidence to perform in front of ppl.I definately hope so.
Can't wait to hang out with them again.. =)

Met a Malaysian

=)
After all these time I thought there was something wrong with me.I just needed a friend.Like any other Thursdays,I wake up and leave for uni though the only thing I have is choir which is at 2pm.Practise there until choir.Problem?THey removed more pianos so the choices of pianos were limited.And they took the good pianos away.grrr...
But today was different.I knew there was a Christian fellowship thing which is at 1pm but I've always been trying to avoid christians or the topic God.But then I thought there was no harm trying.Might meet new friends or things would get better.I thought I'd give God another go.I suppose in a way it was a good decision.I did make friends and they were more friendly.Or maybe it's all thanks to my historical partner(doing presentation with her).Met 2 Koreans.Was much boring there though.Then to my suprise,the annoying Indian came in.through the talk,one of the guys fell asleep and actually started snooring ;p pretty funny.The topic that afternoon was ok but I was sorta bored.After that I went to choir hoping my tummy won't rumble as it did during the christian fellowship thingy.
Before choir I was outside waiting.Was with a bunch of girls.They spoke to me like about 1 minute then totally ignored me and faced their backs to me.Then 1 of my guy friends came over to me and I started talking to him but those girls suddenly just bugged in and talk to him ignoring me so I just walked away.Talk about rudeness.The topic everyone was talking about was about last week which I weren't aware of.They had VIPs over and there were reports that say our students here were abused,hit and bitten up by the police.Students were on strike today.As long as it didn't bother me it's none of my business.
During choir break,I was hoping to get some peace when the Indian fella came to disturb me again.Bugger him.But then again thanks to him I met another Malaysian here who is my age but my senior.He asked me to translate english into malay considering I wasn't talking much to him.As I did,the girl in front of me started questioning us.And to my suprise we actually sorta clicked.After the indian guy left,she asked me how I could handle him.Even for 5minutes of knowing him,she felt annoyed.She was like "where do you get such patience". At least now I know it's not only me.lol... We then spoke all the way till the train station.And she was nice enough to offer her help unlike those other seniors.
Have a feeling things are just gonna get better.And to think I was the only Malaysian here.At least I don't feel sooo old and alone.Got another Malaysian my age =) And I'm enjoying choir and some of my subjects(not including History or concert practises).
Another day, another way.... =)

Burden

Haven been blogging.Mainly coz I realise I shouldn't be talking to a screen.Need to be talking to a person to feel better.
Sabbath I went to this youth Rally.A speaker was talking about Mask.About the kinda mask ppl wear.It actually gotten me to cry that day.Not because it was a really touching sensative sermon but it made me realise things.After he ended his sermon,I felt my eyes going watery.Seeing happy ppl around me made me think of the happy past and how happy i was to see happiness around me.Though I was again lonely,i hold back my tears considering I was in public.1 friendly guy came over and talk to me and that I was eternity grateful.He's doing 2nd year in Avondale.I think his name was Luke from West Aussie.Or I maybe wrong.
In the car on the way back,eyes started watering again.I felt tears.I dunno but that day I cried without knowing the reason for it.The family in the car were really loving and encouraging.Really made me cry and wish I had that atmosphere.Was quiet the whole journey.Didn't what to cry in the car.
That evening while practising my piano,tears started flowing down my cheeks and it continue flowing for a couple of minutes(still playing the piano) until I forced myself to stop.Aunt didn't notice anything...
I don't miss home.In fact I don't even think about home.Rarely I think of my dogs too considering how much I love them.Miss the happy moments in the past but I don't look back at things.I'm still by myself in uni.I spend my free time practising in the practise room.If not I'll be hanging around the China fella(he just broke off with his gal so was being kinda a supporting fren).Supporting a friend sorta made me feel like me again.But then I feel like I need someone physically to be with me supporting me instead.I feel like I've been wearing this mask all these years.Hiding my pain.Hiding my fear.Hiding my deepest thoughts.Though some of you out there are really encouraging and supportive,it's kinda difficult when you all are far away in distance.
Something is definately bothering me but I haven the clue.Been feeling like this since the beginning of the year.I really need to pick myself back up again to do well in this really very competative world...I need to get back on my 2 feet again.Been keeping myself super busy until I have hardly the time to rest.Haven had enough sleep.But at least I don't feel so lost in classes though I still have a few things the understand and remember.Gotta get that problem done before more tutorials and materials come my way.Hard to get ppl to help me here.They all very kiasu when it comes to studies....

Australia

The moment I set foot here,
I knew it will be a totally different life.
The moment I smelled the air,
I knew that everything would be just fine.
The moment I walked outta the airport,
I knew that a new adventure lies ahead.
The moment I saw Australians,
I knew it wouldn't be that scary...

Over here,everything is far different then anything else.
Punks are really punks;
brave being different-
With striking hair colour,part shaved hair,
pierced body parts and funcky dressing,
they still fit in society.
Ppl here are super nice and helpful.
Maybe it's only the guys here.
The air is cool and breezy.
Their language strong and sooo...
... Australian.. =)
The place?Huge as it is.
Traveling wise maybe a pain,
but it's the out come of it.
At least I exercise everyday =D

Food portion are HUGE
Animals live in luxury.
Things here are expensive.
(Have to remember not to convert prices)
Shops close by 5pm
Ppl party by 6 till the next morning.

The thin and slim may not look as they are,
look down and you'll see a belly bigger then yours.
Australians in particular are tall.
Surrounded by lotsa Asians;
who never set foot in their own origin country.
Strong and horrid dressing,
the politeness and eegerness in their dayly life is superb.
Lectures has never been this fun.
Life has never been exciting to watch.
Seldom see lazy ppl around.

Ppl here may seem like weirdos,
or maybe nerds,
But they are great ppl to be
more of at heart then at sight.
Interesting as it is,
as multi cultured as Malaysia,
the 1 strong point about them is...
....the fact that they accept you for who you are.
Not what background or by what age
but by you as a person....
=D

Dead

That's how I feel.I've no positive emotions.I don't feel excited,happy or anything at all.The only thing I feel is nervousness and fear.I'm not depress nor am I sad for that matter.Normal ppl living in my shoes right now would be bored to death or screaming their heads off to get outta house.As for me?I don't feel that way.In fact I didn't even realize it's the only place i am aside from uni.It's not like I'm eegerly waiting for a phone call or a messege from anyone here.I'm not even willing to make new friends with a little effort.Something wrong with me? I dunno.Is there?

Wednesday.
Hate it.Why?
1. have to wake up super early
2. have to get packed like sardines in the train
3. got concert practise(stage fright)
4. have to bring alot of books
5. No break for the whole day
6. Piano lesson(I play worse then my practise)
7. Come home tired
8. End up cold considering don't eat during lunch

I worry so much that I didn't realise something.I'm special....
I was thinking the whole day while going through time.We had an international welcome thingy at noon.It made me realise the amount of international students they take in and I'm considered one of the lucky one.Overall in 1 intake there were only 7 international students in undergraduate outta hundreds of students.I'm amaze.Meaning I'm actually quite good and not as lousy as I thought I was.There are students that cudn't get into a Bachelor degree ending up doing diploma while I got in easily.I speak ok english comparatively to some or most of the international students.I can mix easily if I wanted too.Singing is ok,i just have to relax myself.Piano playing in public?Working on that though I notice my fingers start shaking and sweating badly.Simple, normal things I can figure out in a snap while most students stare at them blankly while on the other hand,before I could even think of an answer,those students answer those question pronto.I take care of myself ok.Tend to be careful with my words which is very good.I don't lose my temper.I run from it.
I look around me.Though I'm lonely,I don't actually feel lonely.I would have felt depressed and sad but now I'm ok with it.Would rather be alone then being annoyed by a person who'll hurt you or eventually will.
Fears?I have to face them.Mustn't take in negative words too seriously.To improve,face those negativity with strength.Though I'm not really good in taking in negativity,I'm willing to try and face them even though it'll make me hated by majority or make me look real bad.
Choir tmr.And I'm looking forward to it.Though I don't think ppl will be talking to me for 3 hours,I love singing in a group and making melodious music =)

Can't they leave me alone??

Had a call from mum when I was watching one of my favourite shows(commander in chief).I didn't wanna talk to anyone.Not my blasting uncle who can't seem to leave me alone nor my mum who doesn't give me my own space.
Conversation?Well,she was practically picking my church.She doesn't want me to go to Ashfield.What's wrong with that church?As long as I'm going to church,u *******!!!I feel much more wanted in that church then at Van's church.In fact,I feel much more comfortable there.And now I can't go there because there is no youth there?What kinda stupid lame reason is that?Can't 1 youth make a difference in a church?Can't a girl choose her own path instead of being pulled by a leash?
This is the reason why I have never had confidence in myself.I don't see my future coz my parents never gave me a chance in life.Everything I do is wrong and stupid.Everything I do is out of hand.I don't wanna go to the city church coz my stupid cousin is there.I don't wanna feel hatred and pain again.Pluss the traveling cost alot of money.And the time I'll be wasting when I could spend it doing something much more worth while.If they are so bloody concern about my spiritual life,then let me choose my own life and my own believe.Not tag along in their stupid believe I've been following all my life.Just because the 1st time she went to Ashfield(they had their 1st children sabbath which din run smoothly) where the members didn't dress like the way we do in church back home doesn't mean they aren't teaching the same thing or doing good.The members actually listen in church.Not the noisy kind at home.And she says our church back home is better.Better my foot.It feels like a market place that I feel like screaming and shutting those ppl who don't pay attention in church and respect the church as a holy place.
Had a ok day today.Had quite a chat with this China guy,did practising and got books outta the library and bought music books.Didn't get lost and all.Had a short chat with 1 of my dear music frens.Everything was running smoothly until mum had to call and tell me which church is good and which is not.These are the kinda Christians I totally hate.Thinking they are the best ppl in the world.
If only the world didn't have churches or God or religion.Though there would be more chaos in the world,at least there isn't frustration between each different religion and church which to me is far worst then breaking up with a girlfren or boyfren or spouse.
Worry? NO.Angry is more like it......

Sabbath

Was great considering I was talking quite a bit to almost all the adults.There wasn't anyone there with my age.The closest is a 22 year old guy who is the only pianist in that church.He didn't come yesterday.
Went to church at 8am.They had pathfinders breakfast(something they just started).Interesting breakfast.They had cereal and some mexican thingy,fruits,milk n juice.Church started at 10am so there was a long wait.Felt a bit faintish(not enough sleep) but kept going.Could feel my mind was ready to black out but i kept pushing myself.The sermon was interesting but long.The church pastor looks really young and nice.He's from Ukraine.Very interesting church,i must say.Ashfield church.They have their own character.
After service,we had sabbath school.The just re-started the youth class since months ago.3 gals and a teacher.Sad but that's how it is.And I still felt like i was in youth rather then young adults class.But it's better then being in earliteens... ;p
Soup and buns.Burned my tongue on the soup.Bread was full of butter(bluek!!).They had fruits and cake.
Overall i was known as Vivian's niece which was kinda sickening coz I don't think they actually remember my name.Gave my no to some African dude(hope he doesn't bother me.He's the laughing guy i talked about last week)
Went home after food n slept the whole afternoon waking up with a heavy head.Uncle was coughing the whole afternoon which was sorta irretating.
Went over neighbour's place for dinner.I got a shock when I went over.Their house were full of liquor which most of them they hardly touch.Their house was neat and they looked well to do.Problem?They all smoked except their youngest son(age 25) who cudn't really do things properly for himself.I felt kinda outta place though they are nice ppl.Felt like a very innocent little gal in a wrong place.Told them I don't smoke and don't drink though i do drink.Just not very often.Kinda allergic to it... ;p
Felt like I smoked even though i didn't.Could taste the smoke even after a few hours of leaving the house which was bad.Had my uncle blabbering about things as usual.Most the time I feel like asking him to shut up.I can't even watch the tv in peace.That's why I don't really watch tv here.
Yesterday?interesting.Found out again that I look younger then my age but act older then my age.Alot of ppl have been saying that but I dunno how true that is.

Today?Gonna finish up my music history and do a little of my historical subject.Going over Van's place to practise for the next few hours hoping that my wrist wouldn't hurt.Yup.The pain is back sad to say. *sigh* I wish I could fix that problem but I dunno what to do about it.Not gonna mention anything to my parents or relatives that's for sure.They are just gonna make things worse.
The week?Getting use to it.Been feeling kinda sick since Thursday though.Dunno why.Feeling dizzy,drousy,felt like vomitting,tired and lazy.Friend said it sounds like sympthoms of asthma.Dunno how true that is.Have been exercising everyday.Lol.The journey i have to take to uni and the amount of hills/slopes they have here is just too much for a little gal bare with.Maybe I should lift weights to fix my painful wrist.

Significant method

Was the funnest subject I ever had.Had 2 hours of it today but it was really freezing.We had a short lecture,then sang little kids songs and played games.I could hear my voice quiver so much.Met another friend.She sounded nice and timid but confident.And again in that class,I felt sorta more confident.Sorta.
After that class I had creative music skills.Was really freaky coz most the students were jazz and they look really good in playing and improvisation.But it was sorta ok.We had a short game which was connected to our study and we did an easy little music togetherness....Was still freezing in that class.Overall it was ok.
Before my classes,I practise for at least an hour.The pianos in the practise room really suck badly.And to think the uni has gotten alot of money from us,they would get better pianos instead of just making the out look of the uni better.
Found out again today that I am older then most of the 1st years here. *sigh* And to think I felt really miserable,low profiled and young.In fact,I should be more confident.Found out that I'm better then some of them.Some of the guys I talked to couldn't get into Bachelor of music so are in diploma.So I'm not that bad at all.In fact I'm doing ok.Now I just need to transfer to music ed.So I have to really work hard in everything.
I have been feeling lazy since last night till now.Dunno why.Maybe I'm pushing myself too much.Need to relax ALOT.I tend to tense up and my nerve problem starts bugging me.Esp wen it's cold.My wrist starts hurting again.Maybe coz of too much practise without resting.Still have that habit... ;p I just wish i had more hours.I need more time for myself and to losen up.
Like this show I saw.The lady said "This is the time to fail as much as possible and make as much mistakes as ever(refering to uni students) for that will make you more confident in the future"... Now that is really something.I have to gain more confident.As far as I'm concern it's gonna take alot of effort...
Gonna go read some Jew history... then will practise my choral music.We're doing "the creation" by Haydn.Fun.Sight singing and all.I just get confuse when I'm sitting next to a person who is not sure of their notes.

Exhaustingly Lost

Just another day.Morning was draggy.Problem?I can't actually practise.Uncle hates it when I do but I need my hours of practise.Thinking about it the whole day.
Went to uni for choir.Went early so use the piano but ended up using a horrible 1.THe practise rooms are always full.Choir was ok.Was suppose to do Jazz vocal but clashes. *sigh* so end up with choir.It was ok.Considering I was yet again by myself.Wanted to be far from the Indian guy who was again bugging me today.I nearly slapped him.I realise I'm actually better then the gals sitting around me.hmmm.... Spoke to one of the Indian guy's friends who thought I was Australian.Said my english was good considering I've only been here 3 weeks.I sound like an Australian... =) But that's how I speak.I'm not having an accent or anything.It's just it.Talk to some other guy who said I was really old doing 1st year.Mind you,he is 17.lol.....
Tummy hungry again.Mind just kept wondering,worrying,thinking.Problem?I forgot to change train and ended up going to this area really far with LOTS of greens around.Darn scary and freaky.But I'm ok now thank goodness.
Solve my practise problem some how.I hope it's ok with my other aunty.She said I could practise at her house.I just got the call from my cousin.I'm hoping all goes well.I think I might go uni early everyday to at least practise and be as a freak as the other students.
In fact,I'm starting to get more confident.I'm not the worst student.There are some things some ppl are good at and there are somethings they aren't.Though still alone and lost,I'm starting to get a hang of it.I have to be more confident to get into music education coz it seems these ppl really know what they are doing and they just DO IT all the way.They have the confidence they project out and that's what I have to work on this year to get into music education next year....
Me off to eat now.Hungry..... 3 hours of choir really sucked the life force outta me...

Was suppose to post this up long time ago but didn't have the time.Anyways,now that i do..... These are my cousins here.Wish Jus was in it as well.. Oh wells... =) they sorta need to get used to me.Haven seen each other for years(i'm talking about the younger 2).The one in black,most of you know her... =) 

Today?

Not as great as predicted.In fact it was horrible though not as bad as last week.
Woke up late,rushed breakfast,more expensive ticket,late train,got off wrong station,late for concert practise.That was the whole morning.After concert practise i went to settle stuff which finally is cleared.But found out that wed I've no lunch break at all so skipped lunch again which I shouldn't have.Coz class at 1pm required singing and I didn't sing all too well coz I was hungry and tired.Classes seem to be more fun then back home but then mixing with ppl is definately a problem.I realise that it's because I don't seem to put effort in making friends *sigh* I just couldn't care less.I do have friends but they are just the hi,bye kinda friends.Not 1 where I'll hang out with or contact.There is this chinese china guy though.Seem to be meeting him everyday and walk together to the train station.At least it's not that bad though he's doing diploma at least the Indian fella doesn't bother me.He seemed to keep a distant from me today.. =) I suppose he finally got the hint.
Afternoon was ok i suppose.Piano was still bad though not as bad as last week.There was this fly flying around the room which bothered my playing but I still don't play the way i do during practise.Suprisingly me and my teacher had a friendly chat.She suddenly said I should have a positive thinking as if to know I'm negative.That really caught me off guard.I told her that I've had family problem and have not been myself.Kept me thinking the whole way home.esp my music lesson.Anyways,i got my music books from the library which was a pain and got home with my buddy fren.. =)
Problem?The moment I got home,uncle said neighbours complained that my piano playing is disturbing them at night.I couldn't help but play longer last night coz I was stressed.Now I have to practise before 8pm.Wanna scream but can't.
Not suppose to have class tomorrow but considering my clashing classes,i had to drop and pick up subject.So tomorrow I got choir.I think I'll leave early to practise in uni.(And to think I thought those ppl there were freaks when they practise there during their free hours...)
*sigh*
Oh wells.I think I won't be resting till weekend.Better be off to practise now.Got alot to do.Then later I have to get my own dinner and finish my unfinished tutorials this week and for next week.
So in conclusion,I've still not recovered.In fact,I find myself realising how I hope that a car will hit me hard which would kill me or I'll go brain dead or something.I'm just so sick of worrying about tomorrow.I know I shouldn't but I just can't help it.I've been this way since young.Fear,worry,pain...It's all in one package.Now that IS my talent.Can't wait till I really get friends here.I know it takes time but being the only Malaysian totally sucks.Esp knowing you have friends in the same country but on the other state.Totally extremely sucks.
Anyways,from all my dissapointments and negative atmosphere,I think I'll drown myself with my piano.
~musing out~

And here it goes

Uni? Not that bad.Still kinda alone though.Just being annoyed by this Indian guy who can't seem to stop bothering me.The one thing troubling me is this.
Why do my guy friend love hitting me on the head.Or rather touching my hair? I don't get it.It's darn annoying.I nearly screamed today.It's as if there is a sign that says.. "Hit Lorraine on the head" Not only does this Indian guy hit my head but this other China fella.Happened back in college and now it's happening again.
How have I been(aside from annoyed)? Exhausted.Frustrated.I've been moving around uni forever,settling lotsa things.Hardly have rest and have been skipping lunch for 2 weeks already.Not like I wanted too.Most the time I forget and if not I just don't have the time to stop.
Am still feeling lost here.But tonight am sorta ok.Got myself a mentor and he's really helpful.Going to help me tomorrow.Thank goodness for that.I don't wanna run around trying to figure things out.Tiring myself out.
Made any friends?Sorta.Not really in the mood though.Gals,as i've said aren't really that nice to me.Guys?Hmmm.... That's the problem.They ARE nice.In fact,I fear the whole problems gonna return.The problem I had in college.The part were 80% of the guys I know fall for me.Not including the guys I dunno yet that is.So not really in the mood of making friends.That's why I don't like the way i look.I don't dress up like most gals do.I don't do make-up.Just being me already creates problems....But then again,having new friends would be great.
Communication sucking badly.This is not really me.Hate it.Can't seem to find my words properly.Thank goodness it's not really affecting my writing.I'd scream if I couldn't write properly as well.
Aunt suddenly called me yesterday out of the blue and started saying how talented i am.How well I performed my clarinet during one of the Christmas carols in the one of the hotels.About how well I do in Mathes and how amazing my art is and my creativity.Really suprising.Wasn't expecting to hear that all.One of my cousin's from US also sorta said the same thing.He said I'm a good pianist considering the last time he heard me was age 10.And he said I sounded brilliant at that time let alone now.Hmmm... Kinda puzzling if you ask me.Sure,I self taught myself theory and piano but i think i'm not THAT brilliant.Sure.I can sing real well too considering I have little coaching from mum but that doesn't make me brilliant.Sure,I'm hardworking and stuff but that doesn't make me a genious.
So what else is new.I can't sleep right now though I think I better should.Lotsa things in my mind.About tomorrow.About the future.About my ability.About my talent.
I'm still questioning myself.I'm still lost.I'm still emotionless.I'm still in fear.
All i know is that tomorrow will be a good day.I hope....

Sunday

Some day it was.It was better then the rest of my days here.Woke up a bit later today though for some reason I keep waking up at 7am.Ate breakfast,read my music history book,played piano,did a bit of exercise,wash dishes.That's practically what I've been doing everyday here.Went out with cousin.
The funny thing was the moment I went in the car,my aunty started praising me for things I used to do when I was a little gal.She said I was a talented gal and that the guy who'll get me is one lucky block.She suddenly said I'd make a great wife.That got me puzzled.I didn't do anything.I used to cook and make lotsa arts and crafts when I was younger but now it's different.The funny thing was she said if she had a son and we're not related,she'll ask him to go after me.Some advise.Not something I wanted to hear.I don't think highly of myself.But that actually made my day.Considering how straight forward she is,i felt there is a chance in life for me even though I've been hurt again over and over so God knows how long.
One thing does bother me is the amount of guys who has crushes on me.The tend to speak but no action.It's more of hoping for luck which is totally stupid if u ask me.Anyways,I'm not any more interested in all these relationship thingy.Too distracting and can be bad at times.
Sabbath was shit,mind you.But I wouldn't mention it.
Went shopping today.There were alot of things I would get but it was just too pricy.I keep converting which is bad.I have to get use to the prices here.Now I'm at me cousin's house using her comp again.
Life here has been pretty much boring.No friends and it's kinda lonely.There were times I feel like calling a few ppl but considering they don't actually reply my sms then I suppose the best way is to forget them rather then feeling stupid like I'm talking to nobody.In fact,that will be my motto for the couple of months.Forget those who forget you.Thanks Joel for calling though I thik I got you into trouble... ;p
Anyways,I'm hoping life would be better and less lonely here.Some how I'm still feeling anti-social but the fact of wanting and needing company is really confusing.
Many times I hope for miracles and hope for suprises.I suppose with me that'll never happen.I don't really get much suprises.It's more of words and more words.
So what do I have to say about it all?If you got something to say,say it.Don't think it.When saying something,DO it.Don't just put it in words.If you mean something,show it.Don't just say you mean it and say that it's how i feel.I hate words.If you got something prove it.I don't care what you say,prove it to me.I've been hurt too many times hoping for things to happen when it's just total bull.

uni again

Yup.I'm here.And I seem to be here everyday.Was suppose to be home today but I found out this morning that I had to settle a few things here in the city.
After blogging yesterday I ran into a few more problems or rather alot more problems.
I found myself wishing and hoping to be back into Christianity.Looking forward to Sabbath and meeting real friends.I find myself praying again instead of blaming God.
Now what is this suppose to be?I'm quite puzzled about it all.Last year I would have blamed and cursed.But yesterday,I was praying,hoping and wishing hard for someone to save me from my misery.
Today?I feel much more better.But still feeling lost and miserable.
Sabbath is close and I still dunno which church to go to.The 1st SDA church I went to were a place with mostly adults there.I'd be outta place.This Sabbath I'm following my cousin to this other church which is non adventist.I was thinking of going to the 1 in something-field.I forgot the name.(There are alot of -fields and st.- or -ville)
I need friends right now and I need them quick.I need to boost my confidence a little bit more.
I'm hoping next week would be great.I suppose you can say I'm looking forward to next week.
If anyone wants my mobile no,just email me and I'll give it to you.
I better be off now.Gotta find some dean and get more music books which is another hour of walking for me...
*sigh*

I'm feeling terrible

In uni now waiting to get my timetable though the stupid server is totally slow.Had music lesson this morning and it was horrible.It didn't go well.Why?I didn't play well.In fact I played like a grade6.But the moment my teacher went out of the room,I played perfectly fine.This totally sucks.
I feel totally lousy now.Why didn't I just get married... ;p As if anyone would want a useless person like me.It's like I'm not good at anything.There are always a majority of ppl who are far better then me.It's like I'm totally foreign here.It's not like I can sms all I want or simply call someone.It's totally expensive.It's not like I have my doggies to make me smile,I'm staying with my aunt.It's not like I get encouragements,my other aunty is making me feel even worse.
I guess I'm nothing much to do but try to over come my fear.I can't seem to play as well as when I'm alone when somebody is sitting beside me.I wish I could solve that problem but I've been trying to overcome it for at least 10years.Not only that but I'm also worried about getting stage fright.Anyways I think I better be off now.I got alot of things to do and figure out.It's hard esp when I've nobody to help me out.
But then again there is this nice dean who HAS been helping me.Sad he's not teaching me.It would be far easier for me.Oh wells.gtg....
Till another sad day...